Fat Woman and the surprise tin

Fat Woman had a session to use up so she booked a cardio session with Personal Trainer. This is how Fat Woman refers to the gym sessions when she is not doing resistance work. When doing cardio on her own Fat Woman likes rowing, cycling and the cross trainer. With Personal Trainer a cardio session means boxing. Fat Woman and Personal Trainer have been doing very little pad work in session since Personal Trainer started his Tuesday evening BoxFit class so it was fun to do a couple of rounds of pad work in their old silent and fast style.

Once Personal Trainer had lulled Fat Woman into a false sense of security he announced he had a lot of technique work for Fat Woman. Apparently Fat Woman has lazy uppercuts when padding, terrible footwork, and a tendency to drop her right hand well before she should. Fat Woman has no defence against any of this, apart from the fact that she was taught to make the most of pad work for her cardiovascular benefit and suddenly Personal Trainer has decided she should know more about boxing.

The gym has just had a proper punch bag installed. Fat Woman thinks it is rather light and Personal Trainer agrees but says that he will wait until the novelty wears off and the testosterone-fuelled evening crowd have finished showing off to each other before he replaces the bag with his own proper heavy bag. Fat Woman is glad that there is a proper punch bag now as it was the only thing she missed about her last gym. Instead there was an inflatable punch bag that everyone refers to as the Big Green Penis (BGP). Fat Woman can hit the BGP hard enough to knock it over and once when Personal Trainer was being particularly aggravating even managed to land a right hook that bounced the tip of the BGP of Personal Trainer's head.

Fat Woman spent half a session learning how to move around the bag, where on its swing to hit the bag and also how to stop the bag. Fat Woman was told off for pushing the bag rather than snapping her jab back. Fat Woman learnt that she should move her back foot first and drag her front foot after it once she has thrown her shot. Personal Trainer says that Fat Woman is not close enough to the bag most of the time. This is because Fat Woman doesn't want to get hit in the face by a rebounding punch bag. Personal Trainer says that if Fat Woman stopped pushing the bag and learned to hit it at the proper time and also practiced moving like he taught her that she wouldn't be in any danger of being hit by the returning bag. Fat Woman knows this is true but is concerned about what happens when she is practising these things but has not yet learned them. It was a good and productive session ending with fast pad work and Personal Trainer was pleased with Fat Woman.

At the end of the session Personal Trainer asked Fat Woman what was in the tin that she had in her gloves bag. Fat Woman's gloves bag was her Christmas present last year from Personal Trainer. It is a cotton shopping bag with a picture of boxing gloves and "sponsored by Personal Trainer's company name" on it. Personal Trainer had it printed especially for Fat Woman. Fat Woman doesn't actually keep her gloves in her gloves bag any more because she has so many other useful things - protein shake, water bottle, iPod, gloves, wraps, emergency oat cakes etc - in the bag that there isn't really room for the gloves, so they hang off the handles. Fat Woman doesn't want to hurt Personal Trainer's feelings by upgrading the bag though.

The tin that Personal Trainer had spotted was one of Fat Woman's treat tins, small decorated metal boxes with a hinged lid that have held all kinds of delicacies, from zero carb fudge when Personal Trainer tried no-carbing, to the protein bars Fat Woman designed for Personal Trainer, to Personal Trainer's favourite chewy cashew nut flapjacks. If Fat Woman appears on the gym floor with something that might contain goodies it is reasonable to expect that Personal Trainer will be a recipient. Personal Trainer made it a rule early on in their relationship that Fat Woman wasn't to bring in food for anyone else unless he got some too. Fat Woman thinks that although Personal Trainer insists he is all grown up he's awfully like a small boy at times, which makes her the indulgent auntie.

Personal Trainer wanted to know if the tin had flapjacks in it and if he was getting any flapjacks. Fat Woman said there were cashew nut flapjacks in the tin and that Personal Trainer could have the flapjacks if he could tell her why she would be bringing him a tin of flapjacks on that particular day.

Personal Trainer asked if it was because if Fat Woman put flapjacks in a tin rather than one of her high quality air tight boxes she stood a chance of getting the tin back. Fat Woman forgave Personal Trainer the first box as it went missing but is demanding the return of the second, which Personal Trainer simply wants to keep. Fat Woman is very indulgent of Personal Trainer but her kitchenware is not up for redistribution.

Personal Trainer asked if it was because Fat Woman had lost weight again. Fat Woman thinks he meant that she had gone down a size in jeans, which she used as an excuse for making him flapjacks a while ago, but that was not the reason. Fat Woman had actually made Personal Trainer flapjacks when she could get into the jeans she currently wears, which was a heck of a lot earlier than the time she would be seen in public in them. Fat Woman didn't think Personal Trainer should get two lots of flapjacks for one size of jeans.

Fat Woman looked patient if a little exasperated and suggested that Personal Trainer consider that particular day. Personal Trainer can be unthinking where Fat Woman is concerned but he is not usually dim. Fat Woman watched Personal Trainer over the top of her glasses as he mentally ran through possibilities. Fat Woman could see Personal Trainer mentally checking off her birthday (lunch bought, card given), his birthday (early next year) and any other news (no shooting trophies won recently).

Eventually the penny dropped and Personal Trainer asked Fat Woman if she was giving him flapjacks because it was their two year anniversary.

Fat Woman felt the phrase "our two year anniversary" a little jarring because last year Personal Trainer was very clear that it was a Fat Woman milestone and not a Fat Woman and Personal Trainer milestone, but as he got her a lovely card with the number 1 on it for one year of training and took her clay pigeon shooting in the snow with her new gun Fat Woman didn't really care what he called the event. In fact Fat Woman liked the idea of having a training birthday far more than having a shared anniversary because it was all about her.

Fat Woman said that it was indeed the first day of her third year of training. Personal Trainer did his surprised face and asked if that was today. Fat Woman did the "don't try to bullshit me" look and handed Personal Trainer the tin. Personal Trainer claimed that they weren't due to train that day so it was not on the calendar and so Fat Woman never knew what might happen the next day which was scheduled training and therefore the proper date to celebrate. Fat Woman knows perfectly well that she and Personal Trainer had discussed the upcoming date just ten days previously and that he hadn't bothered to mark it in any way precisely because he wasn't bothered so she let him squirm under the assumption that she would be bothered that he hadn't bothered. This amused Fat Woman, who thinks that if you have a whole year to do something and you don't do it in a timely fashion you may as well not bother at all. Also Fat Woman is fairly sure she wrote her milestone date in Personal Trainer's diary at the same time she was writing in her birthday. Fat Woman believes in being proactive about these things.

If we are going to be strictly truthful Fat Woman made flapjacks as a way of rubbing it in to Personal Trainer that he really should have remembered the milestone of the nice lady he calls his favourite client. Of course, Personal Trainer might have bothered to remember, but Fat Woman feels he has rather been taking her for granted recently and didn't expect him to remember without being prompted, and whilst she acts like his indulgent auntie where cake is concerned she isn't going to prompt him over things that.

Fat Woman just wishes she'd kept at least one of the flapjacks for herself. Fat Woman does make exceedingly good flapjacks.

Fat Woman and the dangerous sweets

Fat Woman was making cake. Fat Woman likes baking, finding it puts her in her happy place. Fat Woman has become practised at making cupcakes because they are much easier to hand out than large cakes. Fat Woman was working her way through "500 cupcake and muffin recipes) by making a batch on Saturday, eating two over the weekend and sending the rest to work with Thin Husband, until she realised that she didn't actually want to eat most of the combinations and you can have such a thing as too much cake.

Fat Woman likes decorating cupcakes too. Sugarcraft is the only craft that Fat Woman has ever been anywhere near passable in. Fat Woman likes being able to give thoughtful gifts that are better than money can buy. Fat Woman might be boasting a little, but she doesn't compromise on quality of ingredients and she doesn't stint on the icing. For the record, Fat Woman thinks no icing = no point, but as a tolerant and accepting type of person she has developed a special set of recipes for those who claim not to like icing. Thin Husband can eat plain Madeira cake for breakfast. Fat Woman shudders at the very thought.

Fat Woman likes to present friends with a pristine white box containing a batch of cupcakes. If you are a close enough friend that Fat Woman knows what you like she will design a box of cupcakes especially for you. For example, Swimming Coach received a box with three different designs of banoffee cupcake for his birthday.

Personal Trainer likes Fat Woman's Ultimate Chocolate Cake and received one in good time for his birthday. However Fat Woman doesn't like to miss an excuse to bake so spent Sunday knocking out first vanilla and then chocolate cakes so Personal Trainer could have a box to share with his friends at work.

Fat Woman doesn't quite know where her A game was but it wasn't in her kitchen that afternoon. The chocolate cake recipe Fat Woman tried out was very strange with a crunchy top and not particularly chocolatey, so she was compelled to make another batch to a different recipe. Whilst distracted with the let-down of the latest recipe, Fat Woman let the buttercream on the vanilla cakes crust (dry). This made it impossible to put sprinkles on the buttercream so Fat Woman resorted to some miniature love heart sweets. Fat Woman has used these before to great effect. The miniature version of the love heart sweets have very short messages on them, each with no more than four letters. The messages include YES, HOT, DOLL, LOL, SIS, BAD, L8R WILD, GLAM, CUTE, HI, COOL and Fat Woman's personal favourite FIT. The pastel colours on vanilla buttercream worked quite well and the raspberry buttercream was topped with white love hearts.

Having made a second batch of chocolate cupcakes Fat Woman topped them with a dark chocolate ganache. To make the chocolate cakes fit with the rest of the box Fat Woman thought putting a single large Love Heart sweet on each would work. The pale colours would contrast with the chocolate ganache in an effective way.

What Fat Woman hadn't reckoned on was that a large love heart sweet has room for a much longer message and the little packets she had purchased were originally marketed as favours for weddings. Therefore instead of the childish messages such as "Funny Face" or "No Chance" Fat Woman remembers from her early years, these sweets had nothing but the most romantic messages printed on them.  Fat Woman sorted out the first four perfect sweets and was about to put them on the cakes when she saw that she had chosen BE MINE, I LOVE YOU, YOU AND I and most horrifying of them all, KISS ME.

Fat Woman went hot and cold at the thought of presenting Personal Trainer with cakes bearing such messages and had to sit down and eat a cake before she was strong enough to continue.

Fat Woman had to open four more packets of sweets before she found COOL DUDE, LUCKY LIPS, SMILE and DEAR ONE. Thin Husband picked out DEAR ONE because he says Personal Trainer is costing him a fortune.

Fat Woman is going to throw away all the leftover packets of love heart in case she gets accused of sexually harassing someone by cake.

Fat Woman and the perfect present

Personal Trainer's birthday present has arrived. This is a personalised adventure with Disney's The Lion King. The book comes customised with the child's full name, address and also includes the name of some friends. Fat Woman thinks it is simply marvellous. Fat Woman ordered a copy for Personal Trainer because he is a fan of The Lion King and will surely appreciate being included in his own adventure with his friends Buddy and Sparky. The fact that Fat Woman finds such a gift hilarious, especially in view of Personal Trainer's insistence that she "Raise Simba up! Show him to his people!" when "Simba" was an 8kg kettlebell, is an additional advantage.

The dialogue in these books is sparkling:

"Personal Trainer" cried Simba. "I haven't seen you for so long!"
"Hello, Simba!" said Personal Trainer. "I've missed you!"

Fat Woman hopes that Personal Trainer appreciates the book as much as she thinks he might. Fat Woman knows that Personal Trainer appreciates customised gifts as her Christmas present from him was a bag for her boxing gloves stamped "Sponsored by Personal Trainer Inc".

Fat Woman is not too worried about how Personal Trainer will take the gift of a child's book as she is making him the Ultimate Chocolate Cake again and everything else will pale in comparison.

Fat Woman and the arse

Swimming Coach is being an arse. Fat Woman is not interested in having any more arse in her life as she has quite enough of her own, thank you very much.

Fat Woman has been training with Swimming Coach once a month because she hurt her back swimming. This was the ultimate irony as swimming is meant to be the safest thing for really fat people to do. Swimming Coach diagnosed a "screw kick" and said that also breaststroke leads you to bend the back. So Fat Woman has learned to do a brilliant and easy front crawl and has improved her back crawl too. Fat Woman is intending to go diving again, and Swimming Coach had promised to go Open Water swimming with her next Easter.

Fat Woman has, in the past, trained with Swimming Coach in the gym when Personal Trainer was away. The first time was in March when Personal Trainer went skiing. Fat Woman was terrified that if she missed training on Monday her whole week of exercise would crumble. Then in July, when Personal Trainer was away/ill/cancelled last minute Fat Woman trained several times with Swimming Coach.

This caused trouble.

Fat Woman had no idea how much Personal Trainer and Swimming Coach were in competition with each other. If Fat Woman brought one of them flapjacks the other had to get the same. If Fat Woman had an appointment with one, the other one would keep her talking and make her late. This was mildly amusing, but got old after a couple of months.

This history is that Fat Woman had enquired about training with Swimming Coach first but reception had not passed on the messages. This did not help matters. By the time Swimming Coach got in contact with Fat Woman she had fired the awful Barbie PT and in the last twenty minutes had engaged Personal Trainer, who had approached her on the gym floor. Swimming Coach had never really got over losing out on a client and Fat Woman knows not to joke about it because Swimming Coach blows up. It was a little tricky when Fat Woman engaged Swimming Coach to train her when Personal Trainer was away, but things got positively sticky on the one day Fat Woman trained with Swimming Coach without telling Personal Trainer first. At one point, Fat Woman got thoroughly fed up with the pair of them and if she hadn't got her own self-interests firmly at heart would have given them both up.

Swimming Coach and Fat Woman were mates. They had lunch a couple of times, texted outside of the gym and went to a couple of places together. Occasionally they would talk about personal stuff. After Fat Woman asked Swimming Coach to stop flirting with her quite so hard on the grounds he didn't really mean it they were getting on very well. Fat Woman knows that Swimming Coach likes his girlfriends to be younger, thinner and way more insecure than Fat Woman.

Fat Woman noticed that once September came she no longer saw Swimming Coach anywhere near so much. Swimming Coach also stopped texting Fat Woman, which wasn't an issue, and no longer replied to her messages, which was slightly annoying, but never quite an obvious cut. The idea that perhaps Swimming Coach had been courting Fat Woman as a potential client when Personal Trainer left the gym had been dropped in Fat Woman's ear, but if that was the case it wasn't because Fat Woman had ever said anything. Fat Woman had been very clear that she was continuing to train with Personal Trainer.

Way back in April Swimming Coach and Fat Woman had discussed birthdays. Fat Woman said that she only made cakes for milestone birthdays, unless she had a reciprocal relationship with someone. Swimming Coach declared that was what he wanted, so Fat Woman made him bodybuilder truffles on his actual birthday, plus a voucher for a box of her cupcakes that he could cash when he was eating normally again.

Fat Woman's cupcakes are pretty good if she says so herself. Fat Woman will often design a box of cupcakes for her friends. Swimming Coach loved Fat Woman's banoffee pie, so Fat Woman did three different designs of banoffee cupcake, some with banoffee icing on a banana cupcake, and some with the toffee actually inside the banana cake. There was a choice of  buttercream icing with classic grated chocolate or a toffee drizzle with little gold stars. Fat Woman considers she outdid herself. Swimming Coach was very pleased, took lots of photos, refused to share the cakes with anyone and boasted about them on several occasions.

Despite seeming to appreciate the cupcakes, remembering it was Fat Woman's birthday the week before, and having Fat Woman's birthday in his diary, Swimming Coach didn't even manage a "Happy birthday". Fat Woman considers the least he could have managed when she said: "I'm another year older" was "Oh, shit! I forgot." Fat Woman doesn't actually care about people remembering her birthday - Personal Trainer certainly forgot between Wednesday and Monday - but she does think that not even doing the minimum to secure a repeat of her marvellous cupcakes is pretty narcissistic. Fat Woman doesn't forget broken promises either.

Fat Woman wouldn't give two hoots about the birthday thing if something else hadn't happened. Swimming Coach pulled Sergeant PT aside when he saw Sergeant PT coaching Fat Woman and said: "Careful - she's gone through a few PTs!" Sergeant PT wasn't going to engage with Swimming Coach but he certainly mentioned this to Personal Trainer because of the suggestion of impropriety. And so it came straight back to Fat Woman. It took Fat Woman most of the day to twig to the double entendre, but she was pretty ticked off when she did. No one who knew both of them would think that Fat Woman and Personal Trainer had been up to anything inappropriate because they simply don't have that dynamic. Swimming Coach, however, is an outrageous competitive flirt and has been not been shy about being forward with Fat Woman in front of other people, to the point that at least one person has asked if something might happen/already be happening.

Fat Woman doesn't mind people thinking she has no morals but she does mind them thinking she has no taste.

Fat Woman feels like she's in High School, and it's not just the lockers. Swimming Coach is avoiding meeting Fat Woman's eyes and Fat Woman is not giving him the chance to pretend everything is okay. Fat Woman thought that Swimming Coach was jealous of Personal Trainer, but when Swimming Coach started sticking his beak into interactions Fat Woman has with other trainers it becomes possessive and creepy, and especially weird because the apparent jealousy does not appear to be based around Fat Woman as a person, just as a client.

Fat Woman is spending this month's swimming lesson budget on a manicure and facial.