Fat Woman and the bazoomas

Fat Woman was minding her own business on the rowing machine and had just knocked two whole seconds off her interval time. Fat Woman has been rowing 250m intervals throughout 2012. Back in April Fat Woman was struggling to get below 1 minute 10 seconds. Now Fat Woman has recorded a time of 1 minute 1.08 seconds. Fat Woman is determined to get below a minute in 2013.

Fat Woman was playing with arm position. Fat Woman knows that she is meant to be pulling the bar into her abs, but there is a lot of stomach in the way. This drastically shortens her pull. When Fat Woman pulls the bar higher there is more pull, but the tension is wrong. Fat Woman was also trying to change the pressure on her hands as she is fed up of getting blisters and callouses. Fat Woman doesn't mind looking like she has been working in the fields when she has been working in the fields, but would prefer to come out of the gym looking better for it.

Sparky paused briefly on his way past to say: "Pull into your abs, not up to your bazoomas."  Fat Woman has said many times before that she is grateful for any help even if it is delivered in a patronizing fashion. However, although Fat Woman was taken aback at the idea that someone would use a slang word for breasts in a professional setting, it was the choice of a word meaning "extremely large breasts" that really made her jaw drop. On to her extremely large breasts.

Fat Woman guesses she should be grateful that Sparky didn't say "nunga-nungas" or "tatty bojangles."

Fat Woman and the important lesson

Fat Woman is learning many interesting things through working with Personal Trainer, and not just things about exercise and fitness. For a start, Personal Trainer keeps Fat Woman up to date with slang, dropping in words such as "reme" , as in "I'm reme" meaning "I am supreme". Fat Woman is a fan of language and appreciates the updates. Personal Trainer has also shared the secret of his all-year tan, although Fat Woman suspects that when he confessed to using "tinted moisturiser" he meant a moisturiser with a tanning effect, not the tinted moisturiser that women use in lieu of foundation.

The most valuable lesson Fat Woman has learned is that if you cannot find your sports bra you should not chose to wear an old bra instead. It would be better to wear a less comfortable but more supportive garment than to have your right breast flop out when you are pounding the heavy bag with all your might. Should such a calamity happen to you, you will have to stop your workout, take off your boxing gloves, turn to the wall and adjust your clothing.

Of course, this is what happened to Fat Woman. By the time Fat Woman had replaced her boxing gloves and was ready to continue the workout Personal Trainer had of course noticed that something was amiss and wanted to know what it was. Personal Trainer likes to know absolutely everything going on in his sessions. Fat Woman's refusal to specify what exactly she was up to inflamed Personal Trainers curiosity. Personal Trainer was puzzled at the mystery and went into terrier mode, refusing to let go. In the end Fat Woman cried out in exasparation: "DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW? BECAUSE I'LL TELL YOU IF YOU REALLY WANT!" Fat Woman must have been quite ferocious because Personal Trainer decided that perhaps he didn't need to know after all.

Fat Woman still has no idea if Personal Trainer knows exactly what was going on but would die rather than invite conversation about her breasts.