Monday, 18 June 2012

Fat Woman and the pigeon

Fat Woman is a foodie. A low-calorie foodie who is concious of carbs but still a foodie. Personal Trainer shoots. Early on their relationship Personal Trainer brought Fat Woman a brace of pheasants. The pheasants were beautifully prepared by Personal Trainer, skinned and gutted with all the shot removed. Personal Trainer even triple-bagged the birds, meaning that Fat Woman only got a little pool of blood at the bottom of her gym locker. Fat Woman was extremely impressed with the quality of the birds. They made a fabulous casserole. In fact, they were the best pheasant Fat Woman can remember eating.

The pheasant season is over, but Personal Trainer promised Fat Woman some pigeon. Personal Trainer did actually go as far as shooting and preparing two pigeon breasts, but they got eaten before he could take them to Fat Woman.

Today Fat Woman was working very hard, so she had little breath to talk. However Fat Woman did manage to say in an enquiring tone: "Where's my pigeon?"

Personal Trainer replied: "In the tree at home, keeping fresh."

Thursday, 7 June 2012

Fat Woman and the important lesson

Fat Woman is learning many interesting things through working with Personal Trainer, and not just things about exercise and fitness. For a start, Personal Trainer keeps Fat Woman up to date with slang, dropping in words such as "reme" , as in "I'm reme" meaning "I am supreme". Fat Woman is a fan of language and appreciates the updates. Personal Trainer has also shared the secret of his all-year tan, although Fat Woman suspects that when he confessed to using "tinted moisturiser" he meant a moisturiser with a tanning effect, not the tinted moisturiser that women use in lieu of foundation.

The most valuable lesson Fat Woman has learned is that if you cannot find your sports bra you should not chose to wear an old bra instead. It would be better to wear a less comfortable but more supportive garment than to have your right breast flop out when you are pounding the heavy bag with all your might. Should such a calamity happen to you, you will have to stop your workout, take off your boxing gloves, turn to the wall and adjust your clothing.

Of course, this is what happened to Fat Woman. By the time Fat Woman had replaced her boxing gloves and was ready to continue the workout Personal Trainer had of course noticed that something was amiss and wanted to know what it was. Personal Trainer likes to know absolutely everything going on in his sessions. Fat Woman's refusal to specify what exactly she was up to inflamed Personal Trainers curiosity. Personal Trainer was puzzled at the mystery and went into terrier mode, refusing to let go. In the end Fat Woman cried out in exasparation: "DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW? BECAUSE I'LL TELL YOU IF YOU REALLY WANT!" Fat Woman must have been quite ferocious because Personal Trainer decided that perhaps he didn't need to know after all.

Fat Woman still has no idea if Personal Trainer knows exactly what was going on but would die rather than invite conversation about her breasts.