Tuesday, 31 December 2013

Fat Woman and the unfortunate leftovers

Fat Woman had a very good Christmas so far as food was concerned. As Fat Woman was hosting she was able to stock the foods that she liked and plan meals to be if not totally on her usual eating plan but to be her kind of healthy whilst considering the dietary preferences of others. There were plenty of unhealthy foods for everyone to indulge in, and Fat Woman even made some of her traditional mince pies with the correct ratio of pastry to mincemeat and with pastry made from lard and also without sugar. Fat Woman served gammon on Christmas Eve and turkey and beef on Christmas day, with the plan to serve cold meats at least once a day thereafter.

By the 29th December Fat Woman had had quite enough salt, sugar and fat and got back on her eating plan. Mostly. Fat Woman did have a mince pie in the afternoon, but no one else was going to eat them and they are really, really good. Fat Woman has won prizes for her pastry. On 30th December Fat Woman declared it was time to throw things away. The stollen bites that Fat Woman bought for Boxing Day tea, for example; Fat Woman shouldn't eat them and Thin Husband won't eat them, so they can go straight in the bin rather than sit around until they are too stale to eat or they go mouldy. Fat Woman is working up the mental courage to do the same with the perfect mince pies. Many things such as biscuits and crisps, can simply stay in the cupboard until they are needed or wanted by Thin Husband. Thin Husband is allowed to eat anything he likes as he remains the same weight as he was when he was 18 and if he does put on a pound or two he loses it when he stops eating biscuits for a week. Fat Woman is pleased for Thin Husband. Really.

Fat Woman's father had brought along a gammon as part of his contribution to the festivities. Fat Woman believed her father when he told her the gammon was three kilos, but given that (1) it took waaaaay longer to cook than a 3 kilo gammon would according to her Majesty Queen Delia and (2) Fat Woman had 2.5 kilos of gammon looking at her a week later, Fat Woman suspects that wasn't the case. Fat Woman and Thin Husband like the traditional gammon and even like cold gammon for a few days, but Fat Woman feels there are limits to the amount of processed pork she can be expected to eat. Even bacon becomes wearing after a few meals on the trot.

Fat Woman announced that she was going to throw the remaining three kilos of gammon in the bin.

Thin Husband said that Fat Woman couldn't throw the gammon in the bin.

Fat Woman said that she had a gammon joint in one hand and a green wheelie bin outside, so she didn't really see what was stopping her.

Thin Husband claimed the green bin was full.

Fat Woman said that wasn't true, but she could always use the black bin (for general waste).

Thin Husband said he was going to eat the gammon.

Fat Woman said that she could freeze some of the gammon for him, but wanted to know just how many gammon sandwiches Thin Husband was planning on eating over the next six months, as she knows that whilst she is happy to eat the same nice thing every weekend, Thin Husband likes variety in his diet.

Thin Husband refused to consider this question.

Thin Husband claimed that he would freeze the gammon to feed Fat Woman's father when he comes to visit.

Fat Woman pointed out that her father visits twice a year so that would be a long time to keep the gammon and also that he probably couldn't eat that much gammon in one visit, although if Thin Husband was very keen she could certainly invite her father over much more.

Thin Husband said he was going to take packages of gammon to Fat Woman's father every time they visited.

Fat Woman pointed out that her father had refused to take more gammon away with him as he had an identical gammon waiting for him at home.

By this time Fat Woman was enjoying watching Thin Husband wriggle on the pin of his childhood indoctrination that food cannot be wasted, especially as usually Thin Husband feels no responsibility for eating food before it "needs eating" and Fat Woman regularly cleans out lovely things from the fridge that Thin Husband has ignored. Fat Woman rejects all suggestion that she personally has any responsibility for eating food rather than letting it go to waste and is particularly unhappy about such claims when they also delivered alongside the message that she is morally reprehensible for being fat i,e. from Thin Husband's mother.  Fat Woman enjoys throwing away food that is not on her eating plan, even if it would have been nice to eat; it makes her feel empowered and slightly pleased that she is making food choices, not running on childhood programming.

Eventually Fat Woman took pity on Thin Husband and sliced the gammon so he could put it in the freezer. Fat Woman suggested that Thin Husband package up the gammon in 150g parcels and put them in the freezer. Fat Woman couldn't resist pointing out that if Thin Husband packaged up all the gammon then he would be having gammon sandwiches every  weekend for the first six months of 2014 and perhaps four portions would be quite enough. Thin Husband had nothing to say about this but Fat Woman noticed that his packages were closer to 200g. Thin Husband then shoved eight portions of sliced gammon into Fat Woman's freezer, taking up the same amount of freezer space as four to six portions of healthy home made meals.

Fat Woman is betting that Thin Husband makes a point of eating gammon sandwiches exactly once in 2014 and then forgets about them. If Thin Husband knows Fat Woman thinks that way he might manage to make a second gammon sandwich some time in 2014. Fat Woman thinks it far more likely that Thin Husband will wait until the weekend after Fat Woman has thrown away the remaining gammon and declare that what he really fancies is a gammon sandwich and then asks Fat Woman what happened to all his gammon he saved from Christmas.

Fat Woman is just glad that there is no question of freezing cheese as they have a positive cheese mountain waiting to be addressed.

Saturday, 28 December 2013

Fat Woman and the food police

Fat Woman suffered the food police over Christmas. Not the overt kind of food police, who are easily dealt with when they stick their big noses in, but the undercover kind. The undercover food police are aware of what you are eating in the same way a stalker is aware of your every movement; it's unnatural and unhealthy and very disturbing when you realise it. You might not realise it whilst they are keeping watch but eventually they can't resist giving themselves away, because they need to feel superior, and part of that is making you feel inferior. Fat Woman views food policing as a kind of bullying and has never seen it used for good.

Fat Woman had said she was sorry, the only fruit she had in was seasonal fruits such as satsumas, she didn't have apples in the house because she doesn't usually eat a lot of fruit as it's a bit high in natural sugar. Food Policeman gave a nasty little laugh and asked how that fitted in with eating chocolate. Fat Woman snapped back that she doesn't usually have chocolate in the house either. Food Policeman retreated for the time being, but had given away the fact that (1) they were aware of what Fat Woman had eaten and (2) they had views about what Fat Woman should be eating.

Fat Woman hates being defensive about what she eats, but if she is honest she hadn't eaten that much, having been careful to eat enough but not lots at meals and having allowed herself only a very few treats. Fat Woman wasn't denying herself though, there had been at least four chocolates that day, and denial was what the Food Policeman wanted to see, that Fat Woman was punishing herself for her moral failing of fatness. Between this and the horrified cry of "More food?!" every time Fat Woman put out a scheduled meal - and all scheduled feedings were run on a help yourself basis, not presented as a serving or plated - Fat Woman had had quite enough of Food Policeman by Boxing Day evening and was goaded into playing "I'm better than you because I can go longer without eating". There was only supper on Boxing Day because Thin Husband declared he was hungry and offered some. Food Policeman was forced to admit that actually they did need to eat after all. Fat Woman didn't say anything.

Fat Woman does not have an eating disorder, but it's no thanks to people like Food Policeman. Fat Woman freely admits that she has issues with people who make her feel like she shouldn't be eating. Eating is a basic human need and to suggest that someone shouldn't be eating or isn't worthy of food is dehumanising in a terrible way. Fat Woman does not react kindly to people attempting to dehumanise her. When people stick their nose into Fat Woman's diet making Fat Woman feel that she shouldn't be eating, Fat Woman reacts by not eating enough at meals, which means she is terribly hungry later and is left trying to find extra food. This usually means that Fat Woman ends up eating more than she intended because its harded to find nutritionally balanced food on the go and if she doesn't eat the right kind of things Fat Woman is hungry more quickly.

Fat Woman doesn't have many holiday hills to die on but she isn't going to be made to feel uncomfortable about her basic human rights in her own home. Fat Woman anticipates a very small Christmas celebration next year.

Monday, 23 December 2013

Fat Woman and the walk outs

Fat Woman wasn't having the greatest training day. First, Fat Woman's breakfast omelette had been spoiled by some dodgy smelling bacon, and she had resorted to smoked salmon and scrambled eggs, which is just not fun without fruit juice, coffee and a copy of the weekend newspaper. Secondly, Personal Trainer had not had enough sleep. Fat Woman could tell this from the deep shadows under Personal Trainer's eyes but he confirmed it anyway. Thirdly, Personal Trainer is hopped up and waiting for Christmas like a four year old, which makes him silly and a bit of a pain. Fat Woman had spent forty minutes the previous day riding a lift with her four year old god son and had been very glad to give him back to his mother. Sadly, Personal Trainer is too old to give back to his mother.

Personal Trainer made Fat Woman do walk outs. Fat Woman hates walk outs because they always feel like she is doing way more work than it looks like, and making them turn into renegade rows is just adding insult to injury. Fat Woman wasn't made any fonder of walk outs when Personal Trainer nearly fell off his seat laughing at her because he said she looked like she Spiderman clinging to two sides of a gap. After making Fat Woman start the movement with a squat Personal Trainer then kept singing the Spiderman theme tune, and not even the 1980s cartoon theme that Fat Woman recognises.

Personal Trainer is getting coal for Christmas. 

Tuesday, 17 December 2013

Fat Woman and the little piece of magic

Personal Trainer is very good at encouraging Fat Woman. Personal Trainer knows that Fat Woman responds incredibly well to positive criticism. As Fat Woman once explained to Swimming Coach, whilst there may be people who react to being told they are useless at something by showing that they are not useless after all, this motivational technique does not work with Fat Woman. If you tell Fat Woman that she is useless and will never be good at something then Fat Woman writes you off as an utter cock and fails to see why she should care what you think about the weather, let alone her. Personal Trainer doesn't often take advantage of Fat Woman's reaction to encouragement but will occassionally say things like: "I know you can do it!" or "Come on, I believe in you." Personal Trainer hasn't yet managed to say these things with sincerity but Fat Woman is tolerant of his youth and lack of duplicity, and anyway, saying these things to Fat Woman somehow works, although Fat Woman reserves the right to roll her eyes as she continues struggling up an incline on the treadmill/lifting a big heavy weight/doing the nth set of some nasty exercise Personal Trainer has thought up just for her.

Personal Trainer isn't big on actual rewards, thinking that the results of the work are reward enough. What Personal Trainer does say quite often is "Well done. Ten points to Gryffindor." Personal Trainer is a film buff and has seen all the Harry Potter Movies. This has been the cause of some friction with Fat Woman who is not a film buff but a book lover. When Personal Trainer asks if Fat Woman has seen some movie or another the reply is usually that Fat Woman hasn't watched the movie but she has read the book. This has been the cause of misunderstandings when the plot or characters have undergone significant changes between page and screen but none more so than in regards to the Harry Potter saga. Fat Woman has read all the Harry Potter books but has only watched the first film. Fat Woman thinks films can't possibly include all the subtleties and details that you can get from a book and once she's seen the visual world on screen she isn't overly keen to invest time in finding out that what she knows is going to happen actually does (or doesn't) happen.

The major clash between Fat Woman and Personal Trainer is that Personal Trainer is your full-on classic Gryffindor type. Chivalry, nerve and daring are all qualities Personal Trainer has in spades. Fat Woman finds the whole Gryffindor type unsubtle and lacking in refinement and rather hot-headed and finds chivalry faintly offensive. Fat Woman might have made it into Ravenclaw with her wit, wisdom and love of learning, but actually would probably have ended up in Slytherin. Fat Woman is okay with this as she is rather Slytherin in many ways; she certainly doesn't care what other people think about her, she thinks before she acts (even when kicking Personal Trainer on the chin) and she has the traditional Slytherin characteristics of cunning, ambition and resourcefulness. Admittedly, Fat Woman only ever said that in fact it should be ten points to Slytherin in order to wind Personal Trainer up, but now it has been said she is happy to go with it because Fat Woman had no idea how actually wound up Personal Trainer would get about the idea of points going to Slytherin. Fat Woman puts this down to the movies being less balanced in their portrayl of the Slytherin house than the books, painting it as completely evil. Certainly it only adds to Fat Woman's amusement.

When meeting a chum at Kings Cross Station Fat Woman saw that you could have your photograph taken at Platform 9 3/4 wearing a house scarf of your choice. So Fat Woman donned a Slytherin scarf and had a snap taken in order to prove to Personal Trainer that any points she earned should go to Slytherin.

Personal Trainer looked at the photo and whilst shaking his head sorrowfully said that all he saw was a red coat, which meant Gryffindor.

Fat Woman thinks that Personal Trainer can be a bit of a steam roller about these things and she wasn't having it. Fat Woman thinks that if you are going to allow adults to associate themselves with houses in a fictional magical boarding school then you should jolly well respect their allegiences.

The next week Fat Woman had another photograph to show Personal Trainer. Fat Woman said that she couldn't let the honour of her house be besmirched.

Personal Trainer looked at the picture of Fat Woman in her Slytherin scarf and green coat and for the first time since Fat Woman has known him appeared to be lost for words. Personal Trainer then asked Fat Woman how she had changed the picture.

Fat Woman replied that it was with magic, of course.

Thursday, 12 December 2013

Fat Woman and the surprise tin

Fat Woman had a session to use up so she booked a cardio session with Personal Trainer. This is how Fat Woman refers to the gym sessions when she is not doing resistance work. When doing cardio on her own Fat Woman likes rowing, cycling and the cross trainer. With Personal Trainer a cardio session means boxing. Fat Woman and Personal Trainer have been doing very little pad work in session since Personal Trainer started his Tuesday evening BoxFit class so it was fun to do a couple of rounds of pad work in their old silent and fast style.

Once Personal Trainer had lulled Fat Woman into a false sense of security he announced he had a lot of technique work for Fat Woman. Apparently Fat Woman has lazy uppercuts when padding, terrible footwork, and a tendency to drop her right hand well before she should. Fat Woman has no defence against any of this, apart from the fact that she was taught to make the most of pad work for her cardiovascular benefit and suddenly Personal Trainer has decided she should know more about boxing.

The gym has just had a proper punch bag installed. Fat Woman thinks it is rather light and Personal Trainer agrees but says that he will wait until the novelty wears off and the testosterone-fuelled evening crowd have finished showing off to each other before he replaces the bag with his own proper heavy bag. Fat Woman is glad that there is a proper punch bag now as it was the only thing she missed about her last gym. Instead there was an inflatable punch bag that everyone refers to as the Big Green Penis (BGP). Fat Woman can hit the BGP hard enough to knock it over and once when Personal Trainer was being particularly aggravating even managed to land a right hook that bounced the tip of the BGP of Personal Trainer's head.

Fat Woman spent half a session learning how to move around the bag, where on its swing to hit the bag and also how to stop the bag. Fat Woman was told off for pushing the bag rather than snapping her jab back. Fat Woman learnt that she should move her back foot first and drag her front foot after it once she has thrown her shot. Personal Trainer says that Fat Woman is not close enough to the bag most of the time. This is because Fat Woman doesn't want to get hit in the face by a rebounding punch bag. Personal Trainer says that if Fat Woman stopped pushing the bag and learned to hit it at the proper time and also practiced moving like he taught her that she wouldn't be in any danger of being hit by the returning bag. Fat Woman knows this is true but is concerned about what happens when she is practising these things but has not yet learned them. It was a good and productive session ending with fast pad work and Personal Trainer was pleased with Fat Woman.

At the end of the session Personal Trainer asked Fat Woman what was in the tin that she had in her gloves bag. Fat Woman's gloves bag was her Christmas present last year from Personal Trainer. It is a cotton shopping bag with a picture of boxing gloves and "sponsored by Personal Trainer's company name" on it. Personal Trainer had it printed especially for Fat Woman. Fat Woman doesn't actually keep her gloves in her gloves bag any more because she has so many other useful things - protein shake, water bottle, iPod, gloves, wraps, emergency oat cakes etc - in the bag that there isn't really room for the gloves, so they hang off the handles. Fat Woman doesn't want to hurt Personal Trainer's feelings by upgrading the bag though.

The tin that Personal Trainer had spotted was one of Fat Woman's treat tins, small decorated metal boxes with a hinged lid that have held all kinds of delicacies, from zero carb fudge when Personal Trainer tried no-carbing, to the protein bars Fat Woman designed for Personal Trainer, to Personal Trainer's favourite chewy cashew nut flapjacks. If Fat Woman appears on the gym floor with something that might contain goodies it is reasonable to expect that Personal Trainer will be a recipient. Personal Trainer made it a rule early on in their relationship that Fat Woman wasn't to bring in food for anyone else unless he got some too. Fat Woman thinks that although Personal Trainer insists he is all grown up he's awfully like a small boy at times, which makes her the indulgent auntie.

Personal Trainer wanted to know if the tin had flapjacks in it and if he was getting any flapjacks. Fat Woman said there were cashew nut flapjacks in the tin and that Personal Trainer could have the flapjacks if he could tell her why she would be bringing him a tin of flapjacks on that particular day.

Personal Trainer asked if it was because if Fat Woman put flapjacks in a tin rather than one of her high quality air tight boxes she stood a chance of getting the tin back. Fat Woman forgave Personal Trainer the first box as it went missing but is demanding the return of the second, which Personal Trainer simply wants to keep. Fat Woman is very indulgent of Personal Trainer but her kitchenware is not up for redistribution.

Personal Trainer asked if it was because Fat Woman had lost weight again. Fat Woman thinks he meant that she had gone down a size in jeans, which she used as an excuse for making him flapjacks a while ago, but that was not the reason. Fat Woman had actually made Personal Trainer flapjacks when she could get into the jeans she currently wears, which was a heck of a lot earlier than the time she would be seen in public in them. Fat Woman didn't think Personal Trainer should get two lots of flapjacks for one size of jeans.

Fat Woman looked patient if a little exasperated and suggested that Personal Trainer consider that particular day. Personal Trainer can be unthinking where Fat Woman is concerned but he is not usually dim. Fat Woman watched Personal Trainer over the top of her glasses as he mentally ran through possibilities. Fat Woman could see Personal Trainer mentally checking off her birthday (lunch bought, card given), his birthday (early next year) and any other news (no shooting trophies won recently).

Eventually the penny dropped and Personal Trainer asked Fat Woman if she was giving him flapjacks because it was their two year anniversary.

Fat Woman felt the phrase "our two year anniversary" a little jarring because last year Personal Trainer was very clear that it was a Fat Woman milestone and not a Fat Woman and Personal Trainer milestone, but as he got her a lovely card with the number 1 on it for one year of training and took her clay pigeon shooting in the snow with her new gun Fat Woman didn't really care what he called the event. In fact Fat Woman liked the idea of having a training birthday far more than having a shared anniversary because it was all about her.

Fat Woman said that it was indeed the first day of her third year of training. Personal Trainer did his surprised face and asked if that was today. Fat Woman did the "don't try to bullshit me" look and handed Personal Trainer the tin. Personal Trainer claimed that they weren't due to train that day so it was not on the calendar and so Fat Woman never knew what might happen the next day which was scheduled training and therefore the proper date to celebrate. Fat Woman knows perfectly well that she and Personal Trainer had discussed the upcoming date just ten days previously and that he hadn't bothered to mark it in any way precisely because he wasn't bothered so she let him squirm under the assumption that she would be bothered that he hadn't bothered. This amused Fat Woman, who thinks that if you have a whole year to do something and you don't do it in a timely fashion you may as well not bother at all. Also Fat Woman is fairly sure she wrote her milestone date in Personal Trainer's diary at the same time she was writing in her birthday. Fat Woman believes in being proactive about these things.

If we are going to be strictly truthful Fat Woman made flapjacks as a way of rubbing it in to Personal Trainer that he really should have remembered the milestone of the nice lady he calls his favourite client. Of course, Personal Trainer might have bothered to remember, but Fat Woman feels he has rather been taking her for granted recently and didn't expect him to remember without being prompted, and whilst she acts like his indulgent auntie where cake is concerned she isn't going to prompt him over things that.

Fat Woman just wishes she'd kept at least one of the flapjacks for herself. Fat Woman does make exceedingly good flapjacks.

Wednesday, 11 December 2013

Fat Woman and the unfuelled training

Fat Woman had not been eating carbohydrates before training with Personal Trainer. This pleased Personal Trainer greatly, and as Fat Woman doesn't mind breakfast omelettes three days a week she was happy to continue with this plan. It makes Fat Woman a little unfiltered, but luckily Personal Trainer thinks this is amusing.

Personal Trainer had suggested many times that Fat Woman might try training completely unfueled. Fat Woman had argued that by eating 400 calories for breakfast and training at 11am she was effectively unfueled because she needs more than 100 calories a waking hour to maintain her weight. Personal Trainer was inordinately pleased with this and considered Fat Woman's rapid weight loss (more than the weekly 2lb that Fat Woman usually gets) to be proof of how efficacious this method of training is. Fat Woman reckons it was more to do with her system being in utter shock that she was back on a hard core diet. Last weekend Fat Woman had a whole 36 hours off her eating plan, one evening of a company party with free champagne and really lovely food, and one day of hangover. Fat Woman doesn't think she did too much damage as she stayed off orange juice, her usual hangover cure, but she did eat too much spelt flake cereal. Also she let Thin Husband make his awesome chili pasta bake without policing how much bacon, pasta and cheese he used. So Fat Woman thought that it was probably a good idea to try training unfueled and turned up to session expecting a great big pat on the head for being a good and brave girl.

Personal Trainer was resoundingly unenthusiastic about Fat Woman's coming to training without eating anything. Fat Woman was surprised and also a little hurt by this lukewarm reception as Personal Trainer had raised the issue of training without eating first many, many times. Personal Trainer said that the current plan was working so they shouldn't change it. Fat Woman had not been expecting this reaction and was nonplussed, and a little irritated.

Fat Woman trained, drank a protein shake, ate a cereal bar, went home and had a proper meal. Then Fat Woman spent the afternoon in a horrible blue funk. Fat Woman felt exactly as she used to a 2pm on days when she had got up at 5am to go to breakfast meetings, depressed and miserable. Fat Woman is usually a cheerful and positive type, even if she is a little acerbic sometimes. Fat Woman stopped going to breakfast meetings when it became apparent that she wasn't actually genuinely miserable, she was just sobbing over her laptop because she was tired. It took Fat Woman the whole of the next day to shake off the strange blue mood that had settled over her.

Next session Fat Woman declared to Personal Trainer that she was never doing unfueled training again and described her strange mental state of that afternoon. Personal Trainer suggested that Fat Woman had experienced what he knew as "The Crash" and shared that he himself suffered terribly when training before eating. Fat Woman stared at Personal Trainer as though he had grown a second nose and then through gritted teeth enquired as to why he hadn't mentioned this to her. With blistering honesty Personal Trainer replied that if he had told Fat Woman about The Crash she would never have tried unfueled training. Fat Woman did not scream: "No SHIT!" as Personal Trainer doesn't like profanity but feels her eyebrows said it anyway.0

Fat Woman is going to practice lying by omission in Personal Trainer's style, starting with the ice-cream she had for pudding this evening.