Thursday, 27 December 2012

Fat Woman and the real surprise

Today Fat Woman looked in a mirror and could, just for a moment,see what her body might be like if she wasn't so fat.

This is a revelation for Fat Woman who has never seen any possibility that she has a "normal" body shape underneath her fat. Fat Woman assumed that if she lost all her fat she would be solid, like a piece of furniture. When  Fat Woman  had all  her fat it was impossible to imagine herself being anything other than what she was. Yet now Fat Woman has lost more weight the fat she has remaining seems somehow less permanent, less part of her. Fat Woman can glimpse what her body would be like without the weight she has always had.

Fat Woman is treasuring the moment where something became a possibility for her.

Friday, 21 December 2012

Fat Woman and the bazoomas

Fat Woman was minding her own business on the rowing machine and had just knocked two whole seconds off her interval time. Fat Woman has been rowing 250m intervals throughout 2012. Back in April Fat Woman was struggling to get below 1 minute 10 seconds. Now Fat Woman has recorded a time of 1 minute 1.08 seconds. Fat Woman is determined to get below a minute in 2013.

Fat Woman was playing with arm position. Fat Woman knows that she is meant to be pulling the bar into her abs, but there is a lot of stomach in the way. This drastically shortens her pull. When Fat Woman pulls the bar higher there is more pull, but the tension is wrong. Fat Woman was also trying to change the pressure on her hands as she is fed up of getting blisters and callouses. Fat Woman doesn't mind looking like she has been working in the fields when she has been working in the fields, but would prefer to come out of the gym looking better for it.

Sparky paused briefly on his way past to say: "Pull into your abs, not up to your bazoomas."  Fat Woman has said many times before that she is grateful for any help even if it is delivered in a patronizing fashion. However, although Fat Woman was taken aback at the idea that someone would use a slang word for breasts in a professional setting, it was the choice of a word meaning "extremely large breasts" that really made her jaw drop. On to her extremely large breasts.

Fat Woman guesses she should be grateful that Sparky didn't say "nunga-nungas" or "tatty bojangles."

Fat Woman and the Christmas card

Personal Trainer informed Fat Woman that he didn't send Christmas cards because they were too expensive.  Fat Woman appreciates the difficulties of being young and self employed so did nothing but raise her eyebrows. Posting Christmas cards is expensive, but Fat Woman didn't expect Personal Trainer to be doing much snail mail correspondence.

After training Fat Woman went to the supermarket where for once she utilised the picture messaging facility on her phone to send this picture to Personal Trainer:

Fat Woman made use of the multimedia elements of the message by adding the phrase "Rubbish excuse!" to the picture. Personal Trainer replied admitting he had been caught out.

Fat Woman cannot describe her joy and delight when Personal Trainer presented her with a little square envelope containing a Christmas card addressed to herself and Thin Husband. Fat Woman was nearly overwhelmed with the thought and effort that Personal Trainer had put in to overcoming his fixed ideas and making a special trip to the shops where he spent time in choosing a suitable card for her.

A 0.9p Tesco Value Christmas card.

Monday, 17 December 2012

Fat Woman and the big heavy reps

Fat Woman was being made to lift very heavy weights by Personal Trainer. Having increased Fat Woman's dumbbells from 6kg to 8kg to 10kg Personal Trainer said that he wanted 12 good reps.

Fat Woman said that she wanted a pony.

Personal Trainer got 12 good reps.

Fat Woman didn't get a pony.

Wednesday, 12 December 2012

Fat Woman and the year end

On 11th December 2012 Fat Woman reached the end of her first year of personal training. Fat Woman can celebrate the following:

Fat Woman's weight went from 333lb to 281lb - a nice solid average of 1lb per week. Fat Woman thinks this is pretty damn good when she had at least three months struggling with her thyroxine dose.

Fat Woman's body fat percentage went from 55.5% to 46.5%. According to Fat Woman's calculations she has gained 2kg of lean muscle over the year. According to the October to November comparison, 3lb of that lean gain was in that month. Fat Woman is not worrying to much about this right now.

Fat Woman's dress size went from a UK 32/24 to a UK 20/22. Fat Woman is now slimmer than when she was 18. This is odd because at 18 years old Fat Woman was 18 stone. Fat Woman would have expected this if there was a big lean muscle gain.

Fat Woman has learned to enjoy boxing, weight lifting, netball, tennis, shooting, archery, swimming and working out in the gym. Fat Woman has learned to do some of these things reasonably well and plans to get better at a lot of them.

Fat Woman has met lots of new people and made new friends. Personal Trainer, Shooting Coaches, the netball team, the boxing class, the gym staff and many more.

Fat Woman now gets to work out with her girlfriends AND not be the most useless all the time.

Fat Woman's RSI (Repetitive Strain Injury) seems to be held at bay.

Fat Woman can walk into an ordinary shop and buy clothes.

Fat Woman isn't worried about her energy spend all the time. This means Fat Woman can try new things more easily.

Fat Woman's appetite hormones are completely different. Fat Woman is convinced she overcame leptin resistance.

Fat Woman shudders to think of the money she has spent on getting fit. Weight loss surgery would have been cheaper. However, Fat Woman is very, very glad that she was able to turn back from the point she felt weight loss surgery was her only option. Fat Woman loves food and is grateful that any restriction on her diet is by choice.

There are lots of positives for Fat Woman to look at. This is good, because now Fat Woman needs to do the same again.

Saturday, 8 December 2012

Fat Woman and the giant bungee rope

Fat Woman's trip to the gym was full of surprises. First, Personal Trainer was waiting for her, a full seven minutes early. Fat Woman wonders if their last conversation on the topic of timeliness had some impact. Personal Trainer had been a full fourteen minutes late due to traffic and bad planning but hadn't been able to reach Fat Woman on her mobile phone to let her know. When Personal Trainer did arrive Fat Woman told him that she waits until he is 15 minutes late before she goes for her phone now. Personal Trainer seemed a little abashed (as Fat Woman thinks he should be!) but recovered a millisecond later. Personal Trainer made a flip remark about how he may sometimes be late but he gets punished for it. Fat Woman gravely informed Personal Trainer that when he is late, she is the one who gets punished.

Fat Woman doesn't indulge in guilt-tripping very often, but that one produced a satisfactory awkward silence. Fat Woman is sure that the very, very heavy weights she was pulling a minute later were a complete coincidence.

Personal Trainer pointed out to Fat Woman that Sparky had a new toy. Sparky has all the best toys in the gym and Personal Trainer gets to borrow them.

Sparky's latest purchase was a bright blue bungee rope with harness. Personal Trainer told Fat Woman that Sparky had suggested that Personal Trainer should make Fat Woman use it as part of their session. Fat Woman instantly suspected comedy seeking. Personal Trainer swore not, but Fat Woman has a very well honed radar for mocking.

The subject was raised again when Fat Woman was struggled to do ball-supported reverse lunges. Fat Woman's left knee is simply unable to support all her weight. This has become a bugbear of Personal Trainer's who keeps on pushing Fat Woman to do more with it. Fat Woman wishes he would lay off, at least until she's lost another 30lb, because she keeps having to go back to the osteopath. The lunges were not going well and Fat Woman actually took Personal Trainer's proffered hands for support. Fat Woman hates using another person for support. Reverse lunges, even ball-supported ones, made bungee running seem slightly more attractive.

Desperate for some distraction (or perhaps that was simply Fat Woman projecting) Personal Trainer asked Sparky to give Fat Woman a good reason why she should allow them to harness her to a giant elastic band. Sparky wasn't coming up with anything compelling at first, with the usual "it's good cardio" at the top of the list. Fat Woman hears that sex is great cardio but that's not a good reason to do it in the middle of the gym.

Sparky said Fat Woman should do it for "the banter" AKA comedy value. This plus Personal Trainer's groan  of despair confirmed Fat Woman's theory of comedy seeking.

Fat Woman really, really didn't want to do any more lunges.

Personal Trainer said he could stand at the end of the bungee rope with the boxing pads so Fat Woman could do interval boxing.

Fat Woman spied a way out of lunges.

Fat Woman said she'd let the boys tie her to a giant bungee rope if Personal Trainer put on the belt and let her punch him rather than the pads. Fat Woman hasn't seen Personal Trainer that happy since she last brought him cake.

Lunges were abandoned. Personal Trainer wore the boxing belt and Fat Woman wore the harness attached to the bungee rope. Fat Woman got very out of breath and actually enjoyed herself, even though she doesn't really like punching Personal Trainer.

Fat Woman was very sad to hear that the bungee rope didn't last more than another week.

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Fat Woman and the narrow escape

Fat Woman and Personal Trainer were in the car park, swapping goodies. This kind of thing happens at least once a month, usually after a training session and nearly always involving some kind of food. On this particular occasion Personal Trainer was getting cashew nut flapjacks because Fat Woman had gone down another jeans size and that is what happens when Fat Woman buys new jeans. Fat Woman was getting her kitchen knives returned to her. Personal Trainer had sharpened the knives for Fat Woman as her Christmas present. Fat Woman likes gifts, but she appreciates a decently sharp kitchen knife even  more. Personal Trainer was also receiving the electric blue shoelaces that he had been waiting for since September. Fat Woman has yet to see Personal Trainer wearing the glow-in-the-dark shoelaces she bought him the previous week, but the gym tends to be well-lit so that is not surprising.

Fat Woman was standing at the boot of her car admiring the beautiful finish Personal Trainer had put on the edge of her carving knife, not to mention the skilful way he had honed the edge of her sabatier chef's knife, when a movement caught her eye. Turning, Fat Woman found a white sedan, without driver, heading towards her and gathering speed, whilst some numpty (the driver) faffed around with his mobile phone. Fat Woman found herself frozen, watching in slow motion as the driver suddenly realised his car was moving without him and dived inefficiently for the hand brake.

Before Fat Woman could move or speak Personal Trainer darted in front of her and stopped the rolling vehicle. It was like watching Superman stop the train, only with bigger muscles. Personal Trainer braced himself and pushed back and eventually the car stopped moving. Fat Woman went hot and cold because if she had been on her own, if she hadn't turned around the car would have gathered momentum and slammed into her, pinning her between the white sedan and the boot of her own car. Fat Woman isn't usually a drama queen, but she is fairly sure that the rate of acceleration of the sedan would have been enough to crush her legs.

Fat Woman considers Personal Trainer to have saved her from a horribly, grisly injury. Personal Trainer shrugged it off as unimportant. Fat Woman thinks it would be more important to Personal Trainer if it had been (1) his car and (2) his legs.

Fat Woman cannot think of a suitable way to express her gratitude for Personal Trainer's speed, strength and action, but thinks cake will probably do in the short term.