Wednesday, 22 May 2013

Fat Woman and the cleaning

Fat Woman is a natural housekeeper. Fat Woman knows exactly what needs to be done and when and how and how much it should cost. Fat Woman is great at managing people and resources. This does not mean that Fat Woman enjoys doing chores but as Thin Husband isn't about to provide Fat her with a full staff for a three bedroom cottage Fat Woman does what is needed.

Back in the days when Fat Woman wasn't quite so healthy and well but was still trying to work full time she did have quite a few people helping her. When Oldest Friend found out that Fat Woman had a cleaner and a gardener and an ironing lady she didn't speak to Fat Woman for three months. Fat Woman now does the gardening herself and spends the money on shooting and simply fails to iron anything unless it is a high day, holiday or special occasion. Fat Woman is enjoying being able to work in the garden. Having the energy and strength to mow the lawn and weed the flower beds is a wonderful feeling for Fat Woman when she didn't used to be able to manage that.

Fat Woman still has a cleaner. Fat Woman loves Cleaner perhaps even more than she loves Personal Trainer. When a friend wanted to hire Cleaner for a one-off project Fat Woman told them that they had better be nice and pay properly because she could get new friends more easily than she could replace Cleaner. The friend was surprised to realised that Fat Woman was deadly serious.  Fat Woman agrees with Jilly Cooper who wrote that in the Cotswolds stealing "treasures" [AKA char ladies] was a bigger crime than stealing husbands.

Thin Husband is not up for being stolen but says he wouldn't mind being borrowed.

Personal Trainer has been making Fat Woman work on her cleaning skills. In this case Fat Woman stood for most of a session throwing up Power Bags. A Power Bag looks a bit like a duffle bag but it weighs perhaps 5, 10 or 15 kilos. Fat Woman sometimes deadlifts the 20kg Power Bag as a warm up. Swimming Coach taught Fat Woman to clean a kettlebell reasonably well, but Personal Trainer hasn't managed to get Fat Woman to clean a barbell properly yet. Fat Woman gets a little hazy on the difference between a clean and a snatch if she is totally honest, but as Personal Trainer is usually telling her where she went wrong she doesn't worry about it.

Fat Woman started cleaning with the 5 kilo bag and almost immediately punched herself hit the larynx with it. Personal Trainer told her to stop putting so much power behind her lift and use some more control. Fat Woman immediately had thoughts of Carl Lewis in his red stilettos advertising Pirelli tyres with the slogan "Power is nothing without control" but didn't bother to share that with Personal Trainer because he probably wasn't born then. For a hit of nostalgia see the advert at

Fat Woman stopped putting so much effort into her pull and things went a little better for a while. Then Fat Woman switched up to the 10 kilo Power Bag. The 10kg bag is a little bigger than the 5kg, natch. Fat Woman tried cleaning it a few times but Personal Trainer started having lots of things to say about her technique. Eventually Fat Woman had to look Personal Trainer straight in the eye and explain that although she doesn't usually like to mention such facts, she was struggling a bit because her bazoomas (thank you, Sparky, for that evocative word) were getting in the way.

Personal Trainer stared at Fat Woman with  the rabbit-in-headlights look that he brings out occasionally when Fat Woman surprises him with subjects that they usually politely skirt around and managed to let out that he knew. Fat Woman knows she surprised Personal Trainer by mentioning this issue because he is usually much more articulate and responds instantly with a suggestion to change technique.

Fat Woman stood a little further away with the bag and got on with the cleaning. At the end of the last set Fat Woman had possibly improved her technique to almost acceptable.

Fat Woman suspects her mother-in-law might say the same about her housekeeping.

Sunday, 19 May 2013

Fat Woman and the unfine feelings

Fat Woman has to work quite hard at being a nice person. When Fat Woman is tired, hungry, cold or feels under attack she has the ability to turn into the kind of monster that spits out a stream of flame that incinerates everything it touches. Fat Woman avoids politics for the simple reason that she is very, very good at them. This is because Fat Woman is very, very good at manipulation, persuasion and applying pressure when needed. Politics do not bring out the best in Fat Woman.

Competition does not bring out the best in Fat Woman. Fat Woman only likes competing if the rules are clear and she has a realistic chance of winning. At the local produce show Fat Woman helps run they use the Royal Horticultural Society's criteria for deciding which are the best vegetables. Fat Woman approves of this as it means everyone is able to choose their best entries and also see why a particular entry won. Fat Woman wishes they would publish similar criteria for the home baking. Fat Woman particularly dislikes the "because I said so" kind of judge so beloved of the Women's Institute who often ask a visiting speaker to judge the competition. Fat Woman's grandmother used to enter the competition every month and when she reached her later years would get Fat Woman to do her entry for her. Fat Woman remembers a particularly fine month when the competition was "My Brush With Royalty". Fat Woman's grandmother had once glimpsed the Duke of Gloucester. The amount of royalty in the story was as little as you could get but Fat Woman's grandmother won the competition because her entry was so nicely presented i.e. Fat Woman had typed it up for her. Fat Woman still thinks this was woefully unfair on people who had much better stories and reminded her of being at school when teachers would praise projects done on computer for being "so well presented" when Fat Woman had no computer and disgusting handwriting. Fat Woman still has terrible handwriting but has a lot of computers.

Fat Woman stopped going to netball practice because the focus was on the club being competitive. It wasn't competitive inside the club, but the aim was obviously to be able to field teams that were good enough to beat other teams in the league. This meant that all of a sudden forty minutes of every session was devoted to "fitness" because the first team were not deemed fit enough. Fat Woman doesn't mind fitness and spends a lot of time and money on it, but "fitness training" seemed to be "running around the netball court". Fat Woman would have put up with well thought out cardio training, intervals and HIIT exercises, but thought that just running about a lot didn't do anything for most people, who were able to manage it, and was boring as all get out for her. It reminded Fat Woman of school P.E. when they had a substitute teacher. Instead of ball drills they would have "games" involving chasing each other. Fat Woman can see that if running a team you want to put together the best squad possible, but Fat Woman was so far below the grade that she had no interest in making the grade, only progressing personally. After two months Fat Woman was admittedly a much better netball player than she had been, but the extremely cold weather, a metatarsal injury, and the failure of the netball secretary to reply to her meant that she abandoned netball in favour of choir, which was held on the same evening.

Part of the reason Fat Woman likes shooting is that you compete against yourself and you can spend a lot of time shooting without having to perform to a particular standard. Fat Woman understands the idea of registered shoots but although they have fun targets she prefers the social and unpressured environment of the Shotgun & Chelsea Bun Club. Fat Woman wants shooting to continue to be fun because that is what will keep her doing it. There is a rosette for the best shot of the day at the Shotgun & Chelsea Bun Club, which is fun to win but Fat Woman doesn't think about this and no one else gives the impression that they are thinking about it. Everyone is looking to get closer to perfect, to better their ability not beat other people. Everyone applauds a good shot and there is no jockeying for position. Fat Woman does well sometimes but has seen every regular do better than her at other times.

There was a Shotgun & Chelsea Bun Club at Fat Woman's home ground. Fat Woman was delighted and made three lots of cake for the occasion to make sure there was a good spread and enough cake. When over tea and cake it was announced there might need to be a shoot off Fat Woman said that they should send the two unlucky people back out into the cold and let them get on with it whilst everyone else stayed inside in the warm with tea and cake. Fat Woman was told that she should be careful what she wished for because congratulations! she had made the shoot off. Fat Woman pointed out that the other competitor had apparently gone home. Fat Woman was awarded the purple rosette and promotional Hull Cartridge silk scarf and posed for photos with the cake winner and best beginner shot. Fat Woman is happy to take a win by default.

Then the missing competitor returned, having nipped out to shoot a Zoli gun on the demonstration. Fat Woman is extremely honest and pointed this fact out. The rep said that they could either split the prize or shoot off. Fat Woman was not at all keen to load herself back up with gear and go back out into the cold as she had defrosted and was enjoying talking to everyone and would have quite happily gone without rosette or scarf and been satisfied with the honour. Unfortunately for Fat Woman the other lady was extremely keen to shoot off. Fat Woman didn't want to make a fuss so she handed back the scarf and rosette and followed the instructor and the other lady back out into the cold. Extra shooting is extra shooting and Fat Woman is going to make the most of it whenever it turns up.

Fat Woman is can admit that she actually likes winning. What Fat Woman doesn't like is losing. Fat Woman doesn't enjoy losing herself but she also doesn't like having to stomp on other people or put them down, which beating them effectively is. That's only fun if you are reasonably well matched in ability and opportunity, otherwise it's like being a better speller than a five year old, unworthy, or sprinting against a professional runner, impossibly out of your ability range. Being the obvious high scorer at an event is fine as it is a surprise to everyone because no one is counting during the actual event. A shoot off however is directly competitive. There is nowhere to hide.

Fat Woman was unhappy that she was put in the position of either failing or forcing someone else to fail. As the instructor showed the two incoming birds that looked very far away Fat Woman thought that she was probably going to be the loser. Then, as though a switch had been flicked in her head, Fat Woman decided that she wasn't going to be the loser if she could help it, and that as she had been dragged away from a comfortable win-win situation she was well within her rights to make sure that she was the winner, no matter how invested she was in the fluffy, cuddly collegiate atmosphere of the event.

This didn't help Fat Woman's nerves.

Fat Woman actually looked at the incoming birds carefully and watched how her competitor shot at them, hitting three out of five. When Fat Woman took the stand she took herself and her shooting seriously, taking time to set her feet, to breathe and compose herself before lifting her gun, and waiting again before she called 'pull'. Fat Woman knew that she would pull the trigger at the moment when the clay paused at the top of it's arc and that she would watch the clay drop into a cloud of shot.

Fat Woman smashed all five clays.

Fat Woman felt defiantly triumphant. It may be that Fat Woman hadn't shot as well as she could have during the main event and that she didn't take each shot seriously, but Fat Woman likes being declared the winner regardless of how she did compares to how she could have done. Fat Woman is not at all sure that her feelings on the matter were of the finer variety, being more related to smashing the opposition than the positive pleasure of doing as well as she can. Fat Woman needs to work on this, and possibly get some therapy. Fat Woman wonders if this is how real champions feel.

Funnily enough, Fat Woman truly competes in the Cake Wars, has not yet won and yet minds not because she has worthy competitors. Also, the judging criteria is rather similar to that of the WI - inconsistent and random and according to individual preference. This is why shooting is a sport but baking is an art.

Fat Woman's confidence when shooting is starting to creep back thanks to the lovely, supportive ladies of the Shotgun & Chelsea Bun Club and a coaching session with Personal Trainer. Fat Woman may be a long way from wanting to compete but at least she is feeling able to shoot faster and more securely. And she has a purple rosette saying "winner".

Friday, 17 May 2013

Fat Woman and the very odd feeling

Fat Woman had a very odd feeling. Fat Woman was feeling thinner. Fat Woman couldn't remember the last time she felt 'thinner' but suspects it might have been back in January when she bought new gym trouser that didn't make it through their first lifting session. Fat Woman was feeling a little bit lighter, a little bit slimmer.

Fat Woman has struggled through 2013 with regards to weightloss.In January Fat Woman lost just half a pound, but put this down to training for strength not weightloss. At the end of February Fat Woman's weight shot up 4lb in two weeks because her thyroid hormone dose was too high. By the end of March Fat Woman had adjusted her dose downwards and was set to weather the adjustment period. Fat Woman was the slightly under her optimum dose of thyroid replacement hormone and suffered the special effects of too much oestrogen - a beginning of the month that was so painful she ate extra strong co codamol like sweeties, and an awful skin breakout that wouldn't respond to her antibiotic cream. Fat Woman felt like she was 15 again, although at least she still had the car and the credit card as compensation.

Then in May things started to get better again. Fat Woman felt better. Fat Woman saw the numbers on the scale go downwards until they were almost where she was in January. Finally, Fat Woman stood on the scale and saw that it was no longer the-nearly-back-to-where-she-was _81lb but in fact _77.5lb.

Fat Woman doesn't know what she would have done if the scale hadn't shown a lower number than the previous week. It would probably have involved going back to bed for the rest of the day and crying lots. Fat Woman likes the idea of comfort eating but in practice finds it a disappointment. Dairy Milk chocolate tastes like chocolate protein powder.

Fat Woman is very relieved that her body is back under her control. When Fat Woman's hormones are right then eating well is easy and exercise is easy and so weight loss is easy. The only good thing that Fat Woman has to say about the first six months of 2013 is that she didn't quit.

Wednesday, 15 May 2013

Fat Woman and the hard work for no reward

Fat Woman usually works hard in training sessions with Personal Trainer. Personal Trainer likes Fat Woman to think about doing some more cardio after sessions and then decide not to because she is worn out.

On Monday Fat Woman opined that there was something in the wind and it didn't feel like a deadlift Monday. Deadlift Mondays are a hangover from Fat Woman's strength programme in January. Fat Woman likes deadlifting on the grounds that it makes her feel powerful and it makes her thinner.

When Fat Woman got to the gym Personal Trainer asked if she was all right to do deadlifts. Fat Woman said that she was always all right to do deadlifts and that she would get her wraps. Personal Trainer informed Fat Woman she wouldn't need her wraps that day.

Personal Trainer presented Fat Woman with an evil super set of 45kg deadlifts, push ups and dumbbell squat-and-clean-and-presses. Fat Woman had to do sets of 40 of each, then 30, 20 and finally ten.

Ten push ups have never felt so easy to Fat Woman as when she had just done 90.

The session was all well and good and Fat Woman felt properly worked out. The following day Fat Woman dragged her carcass through her 30 minutes of Couch to 5k walking finding that her body wouldn't move fast enough to send her heart rate above 130bpm. Fat Woman was so pathetic that she nearly didn't eat her reward chocolate.

On the third day Fat Woman returned to the gym again in accordance with her diary. At the end of the trainer session Personal Trainer asked Fat Woman how she was feeling. Fat Woman replied that she felt as though there hadn't been a gap between training session but they instead ran straight into each other and that they really should do some ab work because those were the only bits of her that didn't ache. Personal Trainer said that this was good but the ab work would have to wait.

Personal Trainer then told Fat Woman off because she posted on Facebook that she had made a Marmite cake and that it tasted amazing. Personal Trainer said that cake was bad and that Fat Woman shouldn't eat cake. Fat Woman has noticed Personal Trainer is touchy on the subject of cake and that possibly the word cake is a trigger word for him. Fat Woman found this ironic because at the previous session she provided an enormous chocolate cake which Personal Trainer had commissioned for a birthday celebration and ten minutes previously Personal Trainer had informed her that he had eaten a big slice and it was very good.

Fat Woman is not sure if Personal Trainer was unaware of the irony or he was ignoring it in a comedic fashion.

Fat Woman is reminded of the time she was persuaded to give up bread for three months because Personal Trainer was so passionately adamant that bread was evil and then she found out that Personal Trainer had been eating bagels.

Fat Woman has worked out that you can set a Facebook status so that only one person may see it. Fat Woman is wondering about posting a status listing all the things she has supposedly eaten so only Personal Trainer can see it.

Have just eaten three Penguins, a large packet of sweet chilli Kettle Crisps, a ham and pineapple pizza, two pieces of toast with butter, one with honey, one with Marmite, a Scotch egg and a protein bar. I think I might have overdone it with the protein bar.

Monday, 13 May 2013

Fat Woman and the heart

Fat Woman has a heart. This fact was in doubt for a while, not because Fat Woman appears to be an emotional void or possibly a sociopath, but because Fat Woman couldn't get her heart monitor to work. Fat Woman had visions of herself tripping off to see the Wizard of Oz singing "If I only had a heart" or having her heart replaced by an apple like in the fairy tale but then had the bright idea of replacing the battery in the chest strap of the monitor. This is lucky because in Fat Woman's experience it is hard enough to get minor surgery on the NHS, never mind open heart procedures.

Fat Woman acquired the heart rate monitor from Personal Trainer. Personal Trainer definitely has a heart although he is so fit it might take a little time to detect his resting heart rate. Personal Trainer is not in danger of a heart attack so had not bothered to use the monitor since purchase. Fat Woman was very grateful for the initial loan because buying a heart rate monitor seemed to be as complicated as buying a car.

The interesting thing about wearing a heart rate monitor for Fat Woman is that there is no correlation between how hard Fat Woman's heart is working and how hard her legs think she is working. Fat Woman has always known that her body is a big fat liar, demanding cake when actually it needs a protein shake and some lettuce, but it was nice to finally have proof of this. Knowing that even though her legs were aching that her heart rate was only at 60% allowed Fat Woman to push harder without fear of death. Fat Woman had spent so long with doctors looking at her as though she was going to have a heart attack/pulmonary embolism/stroke at any moment that she was rather concerned. With the heart rate monitor Fat Woman could gauge her capacity much more accurately.

Fat Woman wore the heart rate monitor for three days and found out that boxing and rowing got her heart rate up past 170bpm, cycling took more effort than her legs could manage to get her past 150bpm and that Tai Chi and Escrima are useful activity but not really helping directly with weight loss.

Having found that the heart rate monitor was a good indication of when she was doing some work Fat Woman measured her heart rate in the pool. Swimming laps was good cardio, but aquarobics was no longer cutting the mustard. Fat Woman was going hell for leather and still her heart rate would't nudge past 60%. This was a key point in Fat Woman's decision to quit her gym.

Fat Woman is using the heart rate monitor during her Couch to 5k. Fat Woman finds the little numbers intriguing and the correlation between her heart rate and her activity fascinating. Fat Woman can see from her data that her fast walking intervals get slower throughout her session but her heart rate does not drop. Fat Woman is going to live with looking like a sad exercise geek if it helps her kick her way off this plateau. Fat Woman is a sad geek and doesn't care who knows it. At least Fat Woman is a well-informed sad geek.

Giving the heart rate monitor back was very complicated because the chest strap goes under the wearer's arms and would need a wash before someone else used it. Personal Trainer was kind enough to sell the heart rate monitor to Fat Woman. Fat Woman paid for the heart rate monitor with an enormous chocolate cake that Personal Trainer commissioned for a loved one. Fat Woman made the icing decorations extra sparkly.

Saturday, 11 May 2013

Fat Woman and the couch to 5k

Fat Woman doesn't like running. Partly Fat Woman doesn't like running because she isn't very good at it. Fat Woman is heavy and therefore has to do a heck of a lot of work to shift her body along. Fat Woman also suffered a great deal at school because she could never run as fast as anyone else. A favourite tactic was to make Fat Girl be "On" for the game of "Stop the Chicken". This is when everyone would line up on one side of the playground and rush to the other. Whomever was "on" had to catch someone who would then join them. Fat Girl didn't want to be"on" because she would be the butt of the joke for the rest of playtime. Fat Girl might have been fat but she wasn't stupid enough to want to subject herself to humiliation and jeering about how useless she was. Or "bullying" as they call it these days.

Fat Woman also doesn't like running because it didn't matter how hard she tried, she never made an acceptable standard or even seemed to make progress. A particularly clear memory is the day Fat Girl's class ran the 1500m. Fat Girl 'only' had to run 800m. Given that Fat Woman was two or three times the weight of her classmates this reduction is not as generous as it sounds. Fat Woman tried really, really hard because she wanted to please the teacher and she wanted to do well and she wanted to enjoy the sport like everyone else seemed to. By the end of the first 400m Fat Woman was utterly spent. Oldest Friend says she remembers the games mistress getting everyone to cheer for Fat Girl as she crossed the finish line. When Oldest Friend said this Fat Woman looked at her as though Oldest Friend had grown three more heads. Fat Woman recollects being barely able to breathe and dragging herself around to the finish  with horrendous pain in her side and ragged, rasping, hurting breathing, and then not only finding that she was somehow expected to perform for the crowd when she was already totally spent, but as she kept going and crossed the line she heard the games mistress say in disgust "She doesn't even try!" because Fat Girl didn't run the last twenty yards on command. Out of everything Fat Woman remembers of P.E. at school the unrealistic expectations and the complete lack of understanding about the capabilities of a fat girl by that games mistress are what stand out the most. Fat Girl spent every games period during her fifth year in the library. It was the only bunking off Fat Girl ever did, and even then she had a "note" saying she had a bad back that her mother had failed to date. The games mistress was caught having sex in a classroom with the gym teacher and made the front page of the Sun newspaper. Fat Woman ran into the games mistress at Oldest Friend's wedding and the games mistress didn't speak so Fat Woman was damned if she was going to.

These days Fat Woman doesn't like running because she has the mental picture that she is grinding her knee cartilage to powder. Fat Woman has worked through patella tendonitis, compressed cartilage, and at least three different kinds of muscle strain, thanks to Osteopath. But Fat Woman has always wished she did like running. Fat Woman would like to be like the yummy mummies who get togged up in lycra and head out for a 5k at the drop of a hat. Apart from the mummy part and the lycra of course. Fat Woman would like to be able to join in the Saturday morning Park Run rather than making some excuse about not getting out of bed. Running seems fashionable and sociable and fun and Fat Woman is feeling the peer pressure. Join us! It's fun! the Twitter feeds and the Facebook updates say. We just throw on our trainers and pop outside for half an hour of the most convenient exercise there is.

Fat Woman has spent too much time on the outside of normal to be swayed by peer pressure for more than a few moments. Sometimes though Fat Woman feels like Winston Smith in 1984. Fat Woman knows the truth, and she is sure that she wants something else, but thinks it must be so relaxing if you could just be part of the world that believes running is healthy for everyone and that it brings many benefits for everyone. Whilst Fat Woman really would like the functional part of fitness that comes with running i.e. not being the slowest walker in the entire world, she knows that it really isn't right for her right now. When at the dentist's office Fat Woman read Runner's World. It quoted an expert saying that 60-80% of runners get injured every year. Fat Woman quotes this statistic at her running friends who all admit to injuries, and uses it to bolster her resolve not to get sucked in by a marketing machine of an industry that won't even making running clothes to fit her. Fat Woman considers the fitness industry to be narcissistic in the extreme. Like a narcissistic parent, it sends out conflicting messages, messages that contradict themselves and leave Fat Woman in a no-win situation. Fat Woman can't get gear for the sport because she is too fat, but should do the sport to make her less fat. Fat Woman loses her powers of eloquence in the face of this dichotomy and must simply state: ???

Fat Woman has discovered different kinds of walking. Fat Woman was aware of power walking because she remembers how silly the walkers looked on TV at some point in the 1980s when such things were televised. On reflection, the silliness may well have been the 80s fashions for hair and clothes. Fat Woman had no idea that technically that was what she was doing during her time on the treadmill until Personal Trainer pointed it out to her. Fat Woman has also been taught walking the Tai Chi way. Fat Woman started her fitness journey with Tai Chi and Cal, her instructor, taught her how to walk very quickly with small, speedy steps. This helped Fat Woman no end when she needed to get moving.

Fat Woman came across a programme called "Couch to 5k". Fat Woman knows about the 5k run as Tiny Friend and Nurse Friend like to do one in the park on a Saturday morning. Nurse Friend is a practitioner of the "Come on, you can do it!" type of encouragement, the sort where people seem to expect that wanting to do it will mean you automatically can. It sends Fat Woman straight back to the Games Mistress saying: "Come on! Sprint for the finish!" as though Fat Woman is somehow holding back. Fat Woman took the invitation courteously and considered it seriously. Fat Woman established that the slowest runner finishes the 5k run at 45 minutes, but that most people do it in 30 minutes. Fat Woman pointed out that this means most park runners can manage an average speed of 10km per hour. Fat Woman put an end to the issue by promising that if she ever got to the stage where she could move at 10km/ph for half an hour she would revisit the invitation. This seems to satisfy all involved and Fat Woman has been left alone. The fact that Fat Woman isn't a morning person may have added to this.

Fat Woman found out about the Couch to 5k from London Friend who wasn't at all fit, although not in any way fat. Fat Woman looked at Couch to 5k and liked the principles of intervals and increasing gently each time. Fat Woman discussed the issue with Personal Trainer who said that he would much rather see Fat Woman doing any number of other things that would be just as good for her than developing an unnecessary obsession with being able to run and probably injuring herself. Fat Woman thinks that when Personal Trainer suggests something 'healthy' is a bad idea it's a good idea for her to listen. Personal Trainer said that walking fast would be far better for Fat Woman.

On a completely unrelated web forum Fat Woman read posts by people saying they had done the Couch to 5k but instead of running they had walked quickly. When they had finished the programme they went back and did it again, but faster. Sometimes people were simply improving their walking speed, sometimes they began running. Fat Woman was encouraged by this idea. Fat Woman knew she had to do something in the way of cardiovascular exercise between sessions with Personal Trainer, and since Personal Trainer's new gym to which she now belongs is a little drive away it seemed sensible to do something close to home. Fat Woman said she would start the programme if Osteopath managed to fix her metatarsal issue. When Personal Trainer enquired politely as to the state of Fat Woman's injuries Fat Woman realised that she hadn't felt any pain for a few days and therefore she should make good on her pledge to herself to do the bit that came after the couch.

The entire aim of Fat Woman's day of Tuesday was to get outside and do the first day of the Couch to 5k. Nothing else mattered so long as Fat Woman managed to do that.

Fat Woman did the first day of the Couch to 5k. Fat Woman didn't find it very hard as it was half an hour of walking with just three minutes of "running". Personal Trainer said that he hoped it was going to get harder fairly quickly as Fat Woman was way more fit than that. Fat Woman wore her heart rate monitor and, as she suspected, she was not working as hard as her legs felt she was.

Fat Woman quite liked being outside and walking around the country park. What she didn't appreciate was the app being unable to lock on to the GPS signal and telling her she had run "Naught Miles at Naught Miles Per Hour" every five minutes. Fat Woman also ran a different app that gave her a nice map showing her speed and route when she logged in via the computer. The best thing about the Couch to 5k app is that it suggests Fat Woman has burned a ridiculous amount of calories (500+) in just thirty minutes.

Fat Woman is rewarding herself with a single square of Valrhona orange chocolate every time she does a day of the programme. Fat Woman has never been one for delayed gratification and using food as a reward, but then she's never had chocolate this good before.