Sunday, 16 June 2013

Fat Woman and the bore

Fat Woman is delighted that Thin Husband is taking up clay pigeon shooting. Whilst Thin Husband is fun to be with and always supportive of Fat Woman's activities he has steadfastly resisted doing any organised activity that Fat Woman has taken part in over the last seventeen years. Fat Woman has done everything from local politics and youth work to golf and gardening and Thin Husband has refused them all. In fact the only time Thin Husband ever said "That sounds fun" was when Fat Woman asked if he would like to go on a hill walking holiday. This was a trap of the most enormous kind because Fat Woman is not only fat but heavy so walking is very slow for her and Thin Husband has a horrible habit of walking five metres in front of her as though this will somehow make Fat Woman develop a higher top speed. Also Fat Woman has bad knees which meant for a long time walking up inclines would cause terrible problems, and horribly wide feet so she can't buy walking boots. So when Thin Husband has turned down offers of every healthy leisure activity Fat Woman could think of and then jumped at the chance of doing the one thing Fat Woman couldn't do, Fat Woman took the hint and left Thin Husband to stew in his nerdy living room cave with the newspapers and the Internet. Thus Thin Husband had happy recharging introvert time doing what he liked, and would be presented with the credit card bill for keeping Fat Woman happy and out of his hair at the end of the month. Fat Woman thinks Thin Husband should count himself lucky that she likes second hand shopping and car boot sales.

Thin Husband now has a gun. Actually, Fat Woman is the legal owner of a lovely Beretta White Onyx 20 bore gun. The Beretta lives in Fat Woman's gun cabinet and is on Fat Woman's licence. Sometimes Fat Woman is gracious enough to take Thin Husband to gun club and let him use her gun. Thin Husband has been trained in gun cleaning so can now clean both guns before Fat Woman locks them away again.

Fat Woman doesn't mind a 20 bore but rather resented the idea that as a woman she would automatically need a 20 bore. Fat Woman has a lovely, well-balanced Browning 425 12 bore that is perfect for a clay shooter of her level, especially now the stock has been cut right down and the horrible pointy toe has been shaved off. When Thin Husband started learning with a 28 bore club gun and suggested he might buy one of those Fat Woman put her foot down. Fat Woman said that not only were 28 bores ridiculously expensive but the cartridges were bloody pricey and annoyingly hard to buy. Fat Woman also said that little children were seen on the clay ground with 20 bore semi automatics and they would point and laugh at a grown man who couldn't handle a 20 bore.

It turned out that Thin Husband was indeed perfectly capable of handling a 20 bore, but decided that he didn't want a semi automatic because shooting is a social activity for Fat Woman and everyone on clay grounds seems to hate semi automatic users (PICK UP YOUR SHELLS!). Fat Woman didn't mind on the grounds that an over and under 20 bore could always be cut down for her if Thin Husband gave up on shooting.

Fat Woman needed more cartridges and now they would need more it made sense to consider buying in bulk. Thin Husband was looking at cartridge prices. It turned out that 20 bore cartridges were approximately £60 per thousand more expensive than 12 bore cartridges. Fat Woman shrugged and said that was the price Thin Husband would have to pay for having a girly 20 bore. This was a little mean of Fat Woman, but she considers Thin Husband would be perfectly capable of getting used to a 12 bore, and this is the effect of his choices.

Thin Husband put his head on one side and in his most reasonable voice pointed out to Fat Woman that it was a lot more cost effective for him to shoot a 20 bore than to pay for three sessions a week for Personal Trainer to build up his strength.

Anyone who thinks Fat Woman is always right should meet Thin Husband.

Saturday, 15 June 2013

Fat Woman and the social meeja

Fat Woman had coffee with a friend after training. Fat Woman hadn't planned on staying around but ate a protein shake and a banana to keep her going. After coffee Fat Woman really needed food so she stopped at the Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered two pieces of chicken. Fat Woman always loved KFC as a child and only gets it once every year or so.

Fat Woman was very pleased to find two dark pieces of chicken, a drumstick and a thigh, in her bag. Fat Woman find KFC breast meat to be dry and rather pointless. Fat Woman didn't know you could have two dark pieces and will in future ask for them.

Fat Woman found that the two pieces of chicken combined with what she had already eaten filled her up and met her calorie allowance. Looking it up later Fat Woman saw that the drumstick had approximately 120 calories and the thigh had 290 calories. With 29g of protein and only 11g of carbohydrates this was a suitable post-workout meal for Fat Woman, even if it wasn't the quality of meat Fat Woman usually prefers. Fat Woman found it rather salty, but as she rarely eats any salt at all this isn't something to worry about. Fat Woman tweeted that she was rather over KFC. Fat Woman only wants KFC once a year anyway, and might in fact skip a year or two.

The next day a Facebook friend of Fat Woman posted about having KFC. Fat Woman commented that her tweet the previous day had obviously inspired them. Fat Woman forgot about KFC and went about eating healthy food.

The following day Fat Woman was surprised to receive a tweet from Personal Trainer. Fat Woman doesn't follow Personal Trainer on Twitter because he has been known to retweet things that he would not say in front of Fat Woman. Fat Woman feels that whilst people shouldn't say racist, sexist or homophobic things or even tell fat jokes, she is in danger of being the political correctness police and that she will not judge someone on direct conversation with others that she accidentally becomes privy to via social media. This is lucky because another Coach is a gazillion times worse than Personal Trainer, who retweeted one fat joke once and was suitably abashed when Fat Woman called him on it.

Fat Woman and Personal Trainer compromised by becoming friends on Facebook, where Fat Woman is also friends with Personal Trainer's mother, and by Fat Woman following Personal Trainer's professional twitter account. Personal Trainer never uses his professional twitter account apart from once to say thank you to Fat Woman for his housewarming gift. It took a whole month for Personal Trainer to reply to Fat Woman's only other tweet to him, and as that was two days before Fat Woman wasn't expecting to hear from Personal Trainer through Twitter again, possibly not ever so. Then she received a tweet saying "No post workout KFC for you today!" Personal Trainer had seen Fat Woman's posting and gone to Twitter to track down what she had said about eating KFC. Fat Woman was impressed by the ingenuity, and amused that Personal Trainer had bothered.

Fat Woman was surprised by the tweet, but not half as surprised as she was when back in the gym Personal Trainer launched into an attack on Fat Woman's bread eating habits. Fat Woman once gave up bread on Personal Trainer's recommendation, but after three months Fat Woman hadn't increased her weight loss and had in fact slowed progress a little because it was harder to find calorie controlled meals on the go. Personal Trainer insisted that Fat Woman was eating too much bread and had eaten bread every day over the last week and implied that somehow that was terribly awfully bad. Fat Woman was puzzled by the outburst and also about how Personal Trainer got his information as she hadn't eaten bread at the weekend. Fat Woman wonders if perhaps Personal Trainer was having a massive craving for bread and was projecting a little.

Fat Woman felt rather attacked. When Personal Trainer says things like that it leaves Fat Woman feeling that every good choice she made was simply not good enough and that she is trapped in a game she cannot win. Fat Woman doesn't let Personal Trainer manage her nutrition, partly because she is very well informed herself, partly because Personal Trainer takes a very drastic approach to nutrition that Fat Woman simply can't sustain for the rest of her life. Fat Woman has to rely on calorie counting so she knows if her metabolism is faster or slower than it should be. This happens quite a lot with her thyroid replacement hormone, which causes weight gain when the dose is both too high and too low. There is a sweet spot in the middle when Fat Woman is essentially on speed, but it comes with unpleasant side effects and a large crash afterwards. Personal Trainer lives with a lack of control in this state of affairs but was obviously having a moment. Fat Woman doesn't have much sympathy for Personal Trainer's frustration because it only bothers him for three hours each week. Fat Woman gets it 24/7

The irony of the whole thing was that Fat Woman went to KFC because she knows Personal Trainer thinks she eats too much bread and she didn't want to buy a sandwich for lunch. Next time, Fat Woman will go to McDonalds and she won't mention it on social media.

Monday, 10 June 2013

Fat Woman and the emotional rollercoaster

Fat Woman had had a bit of a shock. Fat Woman was functional and safe to drive as the shock was purely emotional, but Fat Woman certainly wasn't in a great mood when she turned up for training. Fat Woman will confess that she had shed the odd tear in the car, but claims that was because Classic FM played some really sad music (the first movement of Mendelssohn's 4th Symphony). Fat Woman finds herself listening to Classic FM on the way to the gym a lot because her car CD player doesn't work and the radio reception around the gym is rotten. At home Fat Woman likes Kiss FM. Fat Woman blames her love of modern music on her continual gym presence.

Before warm up Personal Trainer asked Fat Woman if she would like to work outside. Fat Woman said she would prefer not to on grounds of having recently been sunburned. Personal Trainer is usually quite disappointed when Fat Woman doesn't seem keen to spend time outside. Fat Woman used to think this was because Personal Trainer felt that he was offering her a treat but now thinks it's because he is missing a chance to top up his suntan. When Personal Trainer asks Fat Woman if he looks brown Fat Woman now knows to ask to see his palms. Orange striped palms do not get tan compliments. Fat Woman isn't a fan of cosmetic tans anyway. Fat Woman went to Malaysia for two weeks and managed to come back as white as when she went, although she did suffer heat stroke.

When Personal Trainer turned on his heel and left the conversation abruptly Fat Woman thought she would be forgiven for taking it that her answer had irritated him a little. Fat Woman could understand that as if a session is planned it must be annoying to have to change it last minute, although she knows that Personal Trainer used to do lots of his session on the fly. However, as Fat Woman was in the middle of a sentence at the time she was disinclined to accommodate the wishes of someone who would walk away without finishing a conversation so she told Personal Trainer not to sulk. Fat Woman didn't know if Personal Trainer heard her but she wasn't in any mood for someone else's mood and went and actually ran on the treadmill. Fat Woman was quite shocked that she could actually run that fast (9km/ph), but she slowed down fairly quickly as her heart rate had shot up and she could get on with stretching.

Personal Trainer might not have been upset with Fat Woman but he certainly wasn't in a friendly cosseting mood. Fat Woman was treated to not one, not two but THREE evil supersets with no breaks

The next hour went thusly.
  1. 20 TRX squats - Fat Woman is going to work hard without talking. Or smiling. So there!
  2. 20 Squats and press with a really big dumbbell 
  3. A minute of step ups on the high setting of the step - Fat Woman thinks she can do this, so there, Mr Grumpy Trainer.
  4. 20 TRX squats - Fat Woman is trying not to think about thing and keep her mind on her work.
  5. 20 Squats and press with a really big dumbbell - Fat Woman could really do with some nice encouragement right now.
  6. A minute of step ups on the high setting of the step - Fat Woman is going to use her negative feelings to power her workout.
  7. 20 TRX squats - Fat Woman wants to cry but she's damned if Personal Trainer is going to say he made Fat Woman cry.
  8. 20 Squats and press with a really big dumbbell - Fat Woman is grimly determined.
  9. A minute of step ups on the high setting of the step
  10. Two minute rest - Fat Woman wonders why she didn't beg off and go shooting instead
  11. 20 TRX rows - Fat Woman can do this.
  12. 20 press ups
  13. A minute of piston presses with 4kg dumbbells - Fat Woman doesn't think she can do this. Surely Personal Trainer will change the weights down?
  14. 20 TRX rows
  15. 20 press ups - Fat Woman has visions of a single tear running down her nose and plopping dramatically on to the mat.
  16. A minute of piston presses with 4kg dumbbells - Fat Woman wonders how much more agonising this is going to get. 
  17. 20 TRX rows - Fat Woman thinks she could probably cry if she thought about sad things a bit more.
  18. 20 press ups - Fat Woman wonders if crying would actually do any good or if it would just freak out Personal Trainer.
  19. A minute of piston presses with 4kg dumbbells - Fat Woman wonders what would actually happen if she did cry. Certainly Fat Woman's arms are really, really burning. Fat Woman suspects Personal Trainer would ignore any snivelling. Certainly it is unlikely there would be hugs and sympathy and an invitation to go for coffee instead.
  20. Two minute rest - Fat Woman is not going to cry. Fat Woman is strong. Fat Woman is dedicated. Fat Woman wants to go home. Fat Woman has already paid for this so might as well do it.
    As Fat Woman sits on the mat she suddenly feels a rush of good humour. Looking Personal Trainer in the eye for the first time in half an hour Fat Woman suggests that if she had said yes to going outside Personal Trainer would have said they were going on a nice picnic. Personal Trainer said no, he had planned shuttle runs and boxing.
  21. 20 crunches - Fat Woman can do crunches. Crunches are easy. Personal Trainer is pleased. Fat Woman knows this because Personal Trainer says "strong!"
  22. 20 dead bugs - Fat Woman does dead bugs all the time. They hold no fear for Fat Woman.
  23. A minute of cycle crunches. - Fat Woman can do these. Even if her abs are hurting. A lot. 
  24. 20 crunches - Fat Woman finds ordinary crunches a relief after cycle crunches.
  25. 20 dead bugs - Fat Woman makes it through with wobbly legs.
  26. A minute of cycle crunches. - Fat Woman finds herself waking up in an alternate reality where her body had been wired up to electrodes to give her intense pain in her upper abs after just four cycle crunches. Fat Woman lies on the mat gasping for breath and waiting for the order to stop to come. Fat Woman does four more crunches and collapses with agonising, breath stealing pain across her middle. Fat Woman wonders if she could cry as a distraction but the endorphins have STOLEN that option from her. Fat Woman does four more crunches. Fat Woman is blistered by Personal Trainer's lack of sympathy.
  27. 20 crunches- Fat Woman is wondering if she breathes more deeply then perhaps she will be able to make it through the set.
  28. 20 dead bugs - Fat Woman has surrendered to the agony. It is a trial. It is a torture. Fat Woman will do these without complaint.
  29. A minute of cycle crunches. - Fat Woman is now caught in a sci-fi movie scene where time is streeeeeeeetched interminably. 
It took Fat Woman nearly three minutes to do a minute of cycle crunches. Fat Woman had burning in her abs like she had never had before. Personal Trainer kept hitting the stop button on his little orange Casio F91 watch and waiting patiently for Fat Woman to recover. Eventually the final minute was over and Fat Woman was allowed to cool down on the treadmill. Personal Trainer kept raising the incline and looking at Fat Woman to check if she was going to make a fuss about it being too much pressure on her knees but Fat Woman was past caring by that point. 

Fat Woman was utterly, totally slaughtered by that session yet after assisted stretching she got up in a cheerful and positive mood. This is why Personal Trainer is Fat Woman's rock. Personal Trainer is always there and lets everything else flow around him.

Fat Woman was amazed by her recovery speed after each superset. Personal Trainer informed Fat Woman that she was going to hurt the next day, but Fat Woman is diligent when it comes to stretching, and also taking protein, BCCAs and painkillers.

Saturday, 1 June 2013

Fat Woman goes bang

Fat Woman hasn't actually gone bang, despite it having been suggested that she might many times over the years, starting from the age of four. Fat Woman always find the idea that fat people actually explode as ridiculous, and yet some people seem to cling to the idea that it is possible to increase and therefore decrease a person in size immediately as though they were inflatable. Fat Woman is not in the mood to discuss the dehumanisation of fat people though because she has had an AMAZING day shooting.

Fat Woman parcelled Thin Husband off to a shooting lesson and went shooting with Personal Trainer and another friend. Fat Woman was by far the worst but Fat Woman loves being a newbie:  there are no expectations of her. No one getting five consecutive pairs could have been as thrilled as Fat Woman was to hit each of the clays from the 120 foot tower. In fact, apart from the first pair when she was unsettled and not able to concentrate, Fat Woman hit one of every clay she tried. Fat Woman counts that as a HUGE success.

Fat Woman is easily pleased.

Fat Woman has a shooting-packed month coming up. Fat Woman would like to get better at shooting but frankly if it stays as much fun as it is she could love with being this level for quite a while. Shooting makes Fat Woman want to write in capital letters. Its FUN! FUN! FUN!