Monday, 10 June 2013

Fat Woman and the emotional rollercoaster

Fat Woman had had a bit of a shock. Fat Woman was functional and safe to drive as the shock was purely emotional, but Fat Woman certainly wasn't in a great mood when she turned up for training. Fat Woman will confess that she had shed the odd tear in the car, but claims that was because Classic FM played some really sad music (the first movement of Mendelssohn's 4th Symphony). Fat Woman finds herself listening to Classic FM on the way to the gym a lot because her car CD player doesn't work and the radio reception around the gym is rotten. At home Fat Woman likes Kiss FM. Fat Woman blames her love of modern music on her continual gym presence.

Before warm up Personal Trainer asked Fat Woman if she would like to work outside. Fat Woman said she would prefer not to on grounds of having recently been sunburned. Personal Trainer is usually quite disappointed when Fat Woman doesn't seem keen to spend time outside. Fat Woman used to think this was because Personal Trainer felt that he was offering her a treat but now thinks it's because he is missing a chance to top up his suntan. When Personal Trainer asks Fat Woman if he looks brown Fat Woman now knows to ask to see his palms. Orange striped palms do not get tan compliments. Fat Woman isn't a fan of cosmetic tans anyway. Fat Woman went to Malaysia for two weeks and managed to come back as white as when she went, although she did suffer heat stroke.

When Personal Trainer turned on his heel and left the conversation abruptly Fat Woman thought she would be forgiven for taking it that her answer had irritated him a little. Fat Woman could understand that as if a session is planned it must be annoying to have to change it last minute, although she knows that Personal Trainer used to do lots of his session on the fly. However, as Fat Woman was in the middle of a sentence at the time she was disinclined to accommodate the wishes of someone who would walk away without finishing a conversation so she told Personal Trainer not to sulk. Fat Woman didn't know if Personal Trainer heard her but she wasn't in any mood for someone else's mood and went and actually ran on the treadmill. Fat Woman was quite shocked that she could actually run that fast (9km/ph), but she slowed down fairly quickly as her heart rate had shot up and she could get on with stretching.

Personal Trainer might not have been upset with Fat Woman but he certainly wasn't in a friendly cosseting mood. Fat Woman was treated to not one, not two but THREE evil supersets with no breaks

The next hour went thusly.
  1. 20 TRX squats - Fat Woman is going to work hard without talking. Or smiling. So there!
  2. 20 Squats and press with a really big dumbbell 
  3. A minute of step ups on the high setting of the step - Fat Woman thinks she can do this, so there, Mr Grumpy Trainer.
  4. 20 TRX squats - Fat Woman is trying not to think about thing and keep her mind on her work.
  5. 20 Squats and press with a really big dumbbell - Fat Woman could really do with some nice encouragement right now.
  6. A minute of step ups on the high setting of the step - Fat Woman is going to use her negative feelings to power her workout.
  7. 20 TRX squats - Fat Woman wants to cry but she's damned if Personal Trainer is going to say he made Fat Woman cry.
  8. 20 Squats and press with a really big dumbbell - Fat Woman is grimly determined.
  9. A minute of step ups on the high setting of the step
  10. Two minute rest - Fat Woman wonders why she didn't beg off and go shooting instead
  11. 20 TRX rows - Fat Woman can do this.
  12. 20 press ups
  13. A minute of piston presses with 4kg dumbbells - Fat Woman doesn't think she can do this. Surely Personal Trainer will change the weights down?
  14. 20 TRX rows
  15. 20 press ups - Fat Woman has visions of a single tear running down her nose and plopping dramatically on to the mat.
  16. A minute of piston presses with 4kg dumbbells - Fat Woman wonders how much more agonising this is going to get. 
  17. 20 TRX rows - Fat Woman thinks she could probably cry if she thought about sad things a bit more.
  18. 20 press ups - Fat Woman wonders if crying would actually do any good or if it would just freak out Personal Trainer.
  19. A minute of piston presses with 4kg dumbbells - Fat Woman wonders what would actually happen if she did cry. Certainly Fat Woman's arms are really, really burning. Fat Woman suspects Personal Trainer would ignore any snivelling. Certainly it is unlikely there would be hugs and sympathy and an invitation to go for coffee instead.
  20. Two minute rest - Fat Woman is not going to cry. Fat Woman is strong. Fat Woman is dedicated. Fat Woman wants to go home. Fat Woman has already paid for this so might as well do it.
    As Fat Woman sits on the mat she suddenly feels a rush of good humour. Looking Personal Trainer in the eye for the first time in half an hour Fat Woman suggests that if she had said yes to going outside Personal Trainer would have said they were going on a nice picnic. Personal Trainer said no, he had planned shuttle runs and boxing.
  21. 20 crunches - Fat Woman can do crunches. Crunches are easy. Personal Trainer is pleased. Fat Woman knows this because Personal Trainer says "strong!"
  22. 20 dead bugs - Fat Woman does dead bugs all the time. They hold no fear for Fat Woman.
  23. A minute of cycle crunches. - Fat Woman can do these. Even if her abs are hurting. A lot. 
  24. 20 crunches - Fat Woman finds ordinary crunches a relief after cycle crunches.
  25. 20 dead bugs - Fat Woman makes it through with wobbly legs.
  26. A minute of cycle crunches. - Fat Woman finds herself waking up in an alternate reality where her body had been wired up to electrodes to give her intense pain in her upper abs after just four cycle crunches. Fat Woman lies on the mat gasping for breath and waiting for the order to stop to come. Fat Woman does four more crunches and collapses with agonising, breath stealing pain across her middle. Fat Woman wonders if she could cry as a distraction but the endorphins have STOLEN that option from her. Fat Woman does four more crunches. Fat Woman is blistered by Personal Trainer's lack of sympathy.
  27. 20 crunches- Fat Woman is wondering if she breathes more deeply then perhaps she will be able to make it through the set.
  28. 20 dead bugs - Fat Woman has surrendered to the agony. It is a trial. It is a torture. Fat Woman will do these without complaint.
  29. A minute of cycle crunches. - Fat Woman is now caught in a sci-fi movie scene where time is streeeeeeeetched interminably. 
It took Fat Woman nearly three minutes to do a minute of cycle crunches. Fat Woman had burning in her abs like she had never had before. Personal Trainer kept hitting the stop button on his little orange Casio F91 watch and waiting patiently for Fat Woman to recover. Eventually the final minute was over and Fat Woman was allowed to cool down on the treadmill. Personal Trainer kept raising the incline and looking at Fat Woman to check if she was going to make a fuss about it being too much pressure on her knees but Fat Woman was past caring by that point. 

Fat Woman was utterly, totally slaughtered by that session yet after assisted stretching she got up in a cheerful and positive mood. This is why Personal Trainer is Fat Woman's rock. Personal Trainer is always there and lets everything else flow around him.

Fat Woman was amazed by her recovery speed after each superset. Personal Trainer informed Fat Woman that she was going to hurt the next day, but Fat Woman is diligent when it comes to stretching, and also taking protein, BCCAs and painkillers.

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