Wednesday, 22 May 2013

Fat Woman and the cleaning

Fat Woman is a natural housekeeper. Fat Woman knows exactly what needs to be done and when and how and how much it should cost. Fat Woman is great at managing people and resources. This does not mean that Fat Woman enjoys doing chores but as Thin Husband isn't about to provide Fat her with a full staff for a three bedroom cottage Fat Woman does what is needed.

Back in the days when Fat Woman wasn't quite so healthy and well but was still trying to work full time she did have quite a few people helping her. When Oldest Friend found out that Fat Woman had a cleaner and a gardener and an ironing lady she didn't speak to Fat Woman for three months. Fat Woman now does the gardening herself and spends the money on shooting and simply fails to iron anything unless it is a high day, holiday or special occasion. Fat Woman is enjoying being able to work in the garden. Having the energy and strength to mow the lawn and weed the flower beds is a wonderful feeling for Fat Woman when she didn't used to be able to manage that.

Fat Woman still has a cleaner. Fat Woman loves Cleaner perhaps even more than she loves Personal Trainer. When a friend wanted to hire Cleaner for a one-off project Fat Woman told them that they had better be nice and pay properly because she could get new friends more easily than she could replace Cleaner. The friend was surprised to realised that Fat Woman was deadly serious.  Fat Woman agrees with Jilly Cooper who wrote that in the Cotswolds stealing "treasures" [AKA char ladies] was a bigger crime than stealing husbands.

Thin Husband is not up for being stolen but says he wouldn't mind being borrowed.

Personal Trainer has been making Fat Woman work on her cleaning skills. In this case Fat Woman stood for most of a session throwing up Power Bags. A Power Bag looks a bit like a duffle bag but it weighs perhaps 5, 10 or 15 kilos. Fat Woman sometimes deadlifts the 20kg Power Bag as a warm up. Swimming Coach taught Fat Woman to clean a kettlebell reasonably well, but Personal Trainer hasn't managed to get Fat Woman to clean a barbell properly yet. Fat Woman gets a little hazy on the difference between a clean and a snatch if she is totally honest, but as Personal Trainer is usually telling her where she went wrong she doesn't worry about it.

Fat Woman started cleaning with the 5 kilo bag and almost immediately punched herself hit the larynx with it. Personal Trainer told her to stop putting so much power behind her lift and use some more control. Fat Woman immediately had thoughts of Carl Lewis in his red stilettos advertising Pirelli tyres with the slogan "Power is nothing without control" but didn't bother to share that with Personal Trainer because he probably wasn't born then. For a hit of nostalgia see the advert at

Fat Woman stopped putting so much effort into her pull and things went a little better for a while. Then Fat Woman switched up to the 10 kilo Power Bag. The 10kg bag is a little bigger than the 5kg, natch. Fat Woman tried cleaning it a few times but Personal Trainer started having lots of things to say about her technique. Eventually Fat Woman had to look Personal Trainer straight in the eye and explain that although she doesn't usually like to mention such facts, she was struggling a bit because her bazoomas (thank you, Sparky, for that evocative word) were getting in the way.

Personal Trainer stared at Fat Woman with  the rabbit-in-headlights look that he brings out occasionally when Fat Woman surprises him with subjects that they usually politely skirt around and managed to let out that he knew. Fat Woman knows she surprised Personal Trainer by mentioning this issue because he is usually much more articulate and responds instantly with a suggestion to change technique.

Fat Woman stood a little further away with the bag and got on with the cleaning. At the end of the last set Fat Woman had possibly improved her technique to almost acceptable.

Fat Woman suspects her mother-in-law might say the same about her housekeeping.

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