Tuesday, 31 December 2013

Fat Woman and the unfortunate leftovers

Fat Woman had a very good Christmas so far as food was concerned. As Fat Woman was hosting she was able to stock the foods that she liked and plan meals to be if not totally on her usual eating plan but to be her kind of healthy whilst considering the dietary preferences of others. There were plenty of unhealthy foods for everyone to indulge in, and Fat Woman even made some of her traditional mince pies with the correct ratio of pastry to mincemeat and with pastry made from lard and also without sugar. Fat Woman served gammon on Christmas Eve and turkey and beef on Christmas day, with the plan to serve cold meats at least once a day thereafter.

By the 29th December Fat Woman had had quite enough salt, sugar and fat and got back on her eating plan. Mostly. Fat Woman did have a mince pie in the afternoon, but no one else was going to eat them and they are really, really good. Fat Woman has won prizes for her pastry. On 30th December Fat Woman declared it was time to throw things away. The stollen bites that Fat Woman bought for Boxing Day tea, for example; Fat Woman shouldn't eat them and Thin Husband won't eat them, so they can go straight in the bin rather than sit around until they are too stale to eat or they go mouldy. Fat Woman is working up the mental courage to do the same with the perfect mince pies. Many things such as biscuits and crisps, can simply stay in the cupboard until they are needed or wanted by Thin Husband. Thin Husband is allowed to eat anything he likes as he remains the same weight as he was when he was 18 and if he does put on a pound or two he loses it when he stops eating biscuits for a week. Fat Woman is pleased for Thin Husband. Really.

Fat Woman's father had brought along a gammon as part of his contribution to the festivities. Fat Woman believed her father when he told her the gammon was three kilos, but given that (1) it took waaaaay longer to cook than a 3 kilo gammon would according to her Majesty Queen Delia and (2) Fat Woman had 2.5 kilos of gammon looking at her a week later, Fat Woman suspects that wasn't the case. Fat Woman and Thin Husband like the traditional gammon and even like cold gammon for a few days, but Fat Woman feels there are limits to the amount of processed pork she can be expected to eat. Even bacon becomes wearing after a few meals on the trot.

Fat Woman announced that she was going to throw the remaining three kilos of gammon in the bin.

Thin Husband said that Fat Woman couldn't throw the gammon in the bin.

Fat Woman said that she had a gammon joint in one hand and a green wheelie bin outside, so she didn't really see what was stopping her.

Thin Husband claimed the green bin was full.

Fat Woman said that wasn't true, but she could always use the black bin (for general waste).

Thin Husband said he was going to eat the gammon.

Fat Woman said that she could freeze some of the gammon for him, but wanted to know just how many gammon sandwiches Thin Husband was planning on eating over the next six months, as she knows that whilst she is happy to eat the same nice thing every weekend, Thin Husband likes variety in his diet.

Thin Husband refused to consider this question.

Thin Husband claimed that he would freeze the gammon to feed Fat Woman's father when he comes to visit.

Fat Woman pointed out that her father visits twice a year so that would be a long time to keep the gammon and also that he probably couldn't eat that much gammon in one visit, although if Thin Husband was very keen she could certainly invite her father over much more.

Thin Husband said he was going to take packages of gammon to Fat Woman's father every time they visited.

Fat Woman pointed out that her father had refused to take more gammon away with him as he had an identical gammon waiting for him at home.

By this time Fat Woman was enjoying watching Thin Husband wriggle on the pin of his childhood indoctrination that food cannot be wasted, especially as usually Thin Husband feels no responsibility for eating food before it "needs eating" and Fat Woman regularly cleans out lovely things from the fridge that Thin Husband has ignored. Fat Woman rejects all suggestion that she personally has any responsibility for eating food rather than letting it go to waste and is particularly unhappy about such claims when they also delivered alongside the message that she is morally reprehensible for being fat i,e. from Thin Husband's mother.  Fat Woman enjoys throwing away food that is not on her eating plan, even if it would have been nice to eat; it makes her feel empowered and slightly pleased that she is making food choices, not running on childhood programming.

Eventually Fat Woman took pity on Thin Husband and sliced the gammon so he could put it in the freezer. Fat Woman suggested that Thin Husband package up the gammon in 150g parcels and put them in the freezer. Fat Woman couldn't resist pointing out that if Thin Husband packaged up all the gammon then he would be having gammon sandwiches every  weekend for the first six months of 2014 and perhaps four portions would be quite enough. Thin Husband had nothing to say about this but Fat Woman noticed that his packages were closer to 200g. Thin Husband then shoved eight portions of sliced gammon into Fat Woman's freezer, taking up the same amount of freezer space as four to six portions of healthy home made meals.

Fat Woman is betting that Thin Husband makes a point of eating gammon sandwiches exactly once in 2014 and then forgets about them. If Thin Husband knows Fat Woman thinks that way he might manage to make a second gammon sandwich some time in 2014. Fat Woman thinks it far more likely that Thin Husband will wait until the weekend after Fat Woman has thrown away the remaining gammon and declare that what he really fancies is a gammon sandwich and then asks Fat Woman what happened to all his gammon he saved from Christmas.

Fat Woman is just glad that there is no question of freezing cheese as they have a positive cheese mountain waiting to be addressed.

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