Thursday, 12 December 2013

Fat Woman and the surprise tin

Fat Woman had a session to use up so she booked a cardio session with Personal Trainer. This is how Fat Woman refers to the gym sessions when she is not doing resistance work. When doing cardio on her own Fat Woman likes rowing, cycling and the cross trainer. With Personal Trainer a cardio session means boxing. Fat Woman and Personal Trainer have been doing very little pad work in session since Personal Trainer started his Tuesday evening BoxFit class so it was fun to do a couple of rounds of pad work in their old silent and fast style.

Once Personal Trainer had lulled Fat Woman into a false sense of security he announced he had a lot of technique work for Fat Woman. Apparently Fat Woman has lazy uppercuts when padding, terrible footwork, and a tendency to drop her right hand well before she should. Fat Woman has no defence against any of this, apart from the fact that she was taught to make the most of pad work for her cardiovascular benefit and suddenly Personal Trainer has decided she should know more about boxing.

The gym has just had a proper punch bag installed. Fat Woman thinks it is rather light and Personal Trainer agrees but says that he will wait until the novelty wears off and the testosterone-fuelled evening crowd have finished showing off to each other before he replaces the bag with his own proper heavy bag. Fat Woman is glad that there is a proper punch bag now as it was the only thing she missed about her last gym. Instead there was an inflatable punch bag that everyone refers to as the Big Green Penis (BGP). Fat Woman can hit the BGP hard enough to knock it over and once when Personal Trainer was being particularly aggravating even managed to land a right hook that bounced the tip of the BGP of Personal Trainer's head.

Fat Woman spent half a session learning how to move around the bag, where on its swing to hit the bag and also how to stop the bag. Fat Woman was told off for pushing the bag rather than snapping her jab back. Fat Woman learnt that she should move her back foot first and drag her front foot after it once she has thrown her shot. Personal Trainer says that Fat Woman is not close enough to the bag most of the time. This is because Fat Woman doesn't want to get hit in the face by a rebounding punch bag. Personal Trainer says that if Fat Woman stopped pushing the bag and learned to hit it at the proper time and also practiced moving like he taught her that she wouldn't be in any danger of being hit by the returning bag. Fat Woman knows this is true but is concerned about what happens when she is practising these things but has not yet learned them. It was a good and productive session ending with fast pad work and Personal Trainer was pleased with Fat Woman.

At the end of the session Personal Trainer asked Fat Woman what was in the tin that she had in her gloves bag. Fat Woman's gloves bag was her Christmas present last year from Personal Trainer. It is a cotton shopping bag with a picture of boxing gloves and "sponsored by Personal Trainer's company name" on it. Personal Trainer had it printed especially for Fat Woman. Fat Woman doesn't actually keep her gloves in her gloves bag any more because she has so many other useful things - protein shake, water bottle, iPod, gloves, wraps, emergency oat cakes etc - in the bag that there isn't really room for the gloves, so they hang off the handles. Fat Woman doesn't want to hurt Personal Trainer's feelings by upgrading the bag though.

The tin that Personal Trainer had spotted was one of Fat Woman's treat tins, small decorated metal boxes with a hinged lid that have held all kinds of delicacies, from zero carb fudge when Personal Trainer tried no-carbing, to the protein bars Fat Woman designed for Personal Trainer, to Personal Trainer's favourite chewy cashew nut flapjacks. If Fat Woman appears on the gym floor with something that might contain goodies it is reasonable to expect that Personal Trainer will be a recipient. Personal Trainer made it a rule early on in their relationship that Fat Woman wasn't to bring in food for anyone else unless he got some too. Fat Woman thinks that although Personal Trainer insists he is all grown up he's awfully like a small boy at times, which makes her the indulgent auntie.

Personal Trainer wanted to know if the tin had flapjacks in it and if he was getting any flapjacks. Fat Woman said there were cashew nut flapjacks in the tin and that Personal Trainer could have the flapjacks if he could tell her why she would be bringing him a tin of flapjacks on that particular day.

Personal Trainer asked if it was because if Fat Woman put flapjacks in a tin rather than one of her high quality air tight boxes she stood a chance of getting the tin back. Fat Woman forgave Personal Trainer the first box as it went missing but is demanding the return of the second, which Personal Trainer simply wants to keep. Fat Woman is very indulgent of Personal Trainer but her kitchenware is not up for redistribution.

Personal Trainer asked if it was because Fat Woman had lost weight again. Fat Woman thinks he meant that she had gone down a size in jeans, which she used as an excuse for making him flapjacks a while ago, but that was not the reason. Fat Woman had actually made Personal Trainer flapjacks when she could get into the jeans she currently wears, which was a heck of a lot earlier than the time she would be seen in public in them. Fat Woman didn't think Personal Trainer should get two lots of flapjacks for one size of jeans.

Fat Woman looked patient if a little exasperated and suggested that Personal Trainer consider that particular day. Personal Trainer can be unthinking where Fat Woman is concerned but he is not usually dim. Fat Woman watched Personal Trainer over the top of her glasses as he mentally ran through possibilities. Fat Woman could see Personal Trainer mentally checking off her birthday (lunch bought, card given), his birthday (early next year) and any other news (no shooting trophies won recently).

Eventually the penny dropped and Personal Trainer asked Fat Woman if she was giving him flapjacks because it was their two year anniversary.

Fat Woman felt the phrase "our two year anniversary" a little jarring because last year Personal Trainer was very clear that it was a Fat Woman milestone and not a Fat Woman and Personal Trainer milestone, but as he got her a lovely card with the number 1 on it for one year of training and took her clay pigeon shooting in the snow with her new gun Fat Woman didn't really care what he called the event. In fact Fat Woman liked the idea of having a training birthday far more than having a shared anniversary because it was all about her.

Fat Woman said that it was indeed the first day of her third year of training. Personal Trainer did his surprised face and asked if that was today. Fat Woman did the "don't try to bullshit me" look and handed Personal Trainer the tin. Personal Trainer claimed that they weren't due to train that day so it was not on the calendar and so Fat Woman never knew what might happen the next day which was scheduled training and therefore the proper date to celebrate. Fat Woman knows perfectly well that she and Personal Trainer had discussed the upcoming date just ten days previously and that he hadn't bothered to mark it in any way precisely because he wasn't bothered so she let him squirm under the assumption that she would be bothered that he hadn't bothered. This amused Fat Woman, who thinks that if you have a whole year to do something and you don't do it in a timely fashion you may as well not bother at all. Also Fat Woman is fairly sure she wrote her milestone date in Personal Trainer's diary at the same time she was writing in her birthday. Fat Woman believes in being proactive about these things.

If we are going to be strictly truthful Fat Woman made flapjacks as a way of rubbing it in to Personal Trainer that he really should have remembered the milestone of the nice lady he calls his favourite client. Of course, Personal Trainer might have bothered to remember, but Fat Woman feels he has rather been taking her for granted recently and didn't expect him to remember without being prompted, and whilst she acts like his indulgent auntie where cake is concerned she isn't going to prompt him over things that.

Fat Woman just wishes she'd kept at least one of the flapjacks for herself. Fat Woman does make exceedingly good flapjacks.

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