Thursday, 28 March 2013

Fat Woman and the final aria

Fat Woman has cancelled her membership of her gym. There are just 33 days left until Fat Woman will be refused entry or, more worryingly, be allowed to use the facility to extend her car parking from three to five hours.

Fat Woman has been increasingly dissatisfied with her gym. At Personal Trainer's new gym every single member of the staff has looked at Fat Woman, smiled and said hello or goodbye or even - most strangely - thank you for coming. The fitness staff ask if Fat Woman had a good workout. The desk staff say that it is nice to see Fat Woman. The self-employed personal trainers smile and say hello. It is a very friendly and courteous place. Nothing like Fat Woman's gym.

There are some things that Fat Woman's gym has over Personal Trainer's new gym. Fat Woman's gym has more rowing machines. Personal Trainer's new gym has just three rowing machines, of which one can only produce drag up to 95. Fat Woman rows at 120. There has also been a little bit of trouble with the stationary bikes. Since Fat Woman started using the bikes to warm up before session all four have disappeared. Fat Woman swears this is nothing to do with her. There are two reclining cycles left, but Fat Woman doesn't enjoy those as much. Nor does Personal Trainer's new gym have a heavy punch bag. Instead it has a bright green free-standing punch bag that Fat Woman can have over with a good right hook. This is somewhat mitigated by the fact that there is a real boxing ring for Personal Trainer and Fat Woman to do pads in. It makes little difference to Fat Woman really, but she is allowed to use the ropes to lean on during rests.

Fat Woman's gym has a 20m swimming pool. Personal Trainer's new gym has a 12m pool, which Fat Woman thinks is really a paddling pool. Fat Woman would spend most of her swim turning around. The swimming pool was what kept Fat Woman at her gym for the last three months, but she has calculated that she can use the public swimming pools and still be within her budget.

The straw that broke the camel's back for Fat Woman was when they cancelled boxing class. In the entire timetable the only other class that Fat Woman wanted to do was aquarobics, and that just didn't get her heart rate up enough.

So Fat Woman is now a member of Personal Trainer's new gym and will hereafter be referring to it as "the gym" and what was "Fat Woman's gym" shall now be "Fat Woman's last gym".

Fat Woman did sing a little song as she skipped away from handing in her notice, but only quietly as the Fat Lady might sing to show the end of things but Fat Woman sings all the way through.

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