Tuesday, 31 January 2012

Fat Woman goes walking

Fat Woman was going swimming. Fat Woman had the swimsuit on under her clothes, had filled up all her bottles with her toiletries and had edited the gym bag to reflect her trip to the pool. Fat Woman even had her waterproof MP3 player charged up ready to provide Power Ballads as she splashed up and down the gym pool in her best impression of a hippo. Fat Woman doesn't actually make hippo noises but suspects that the simile is accurate for those who actually see her in the water.

Fat Woman was feeling virtuous that she was on the way to fulfilling her goal of 17 hours of exercise in the month. Fat Woman has worked out this is four hours a week plus one extra hour on a Sunday, which she plans to do the day before she is called to account by her personal trainer - if the personal trainer remembers. Personal Trainer is young and good looking and awfully nice but not brilliant with paperwork and schedules. Fat Woman is committed to weight loss and fitness so is making a realistic effort to do everything that Personal Trainer recommends, short of switching her 20g of golden syrup for honey, because there is barely any nutritional difference between the two and she only has porridge once in a blue moon. This has become a point of principle between Personal Trainer and Fat Woman. Fat Woman reckons that anyone eating something called a "Power Bar" packed with whey powder and soya lecithin is not really in much of a position to comment on the nuances of processed food.

So Fat Woman had pulled on her swimming costume and was hot footing it to the gym. Actually, Fat Woman was driving to the gym rather than footing it or walking or cycling or any other healthy travel form. It was the driving, or rather the Fatmobile, which spoiled Fat Woman's swim. The Fatmobile was emitting an awful scrapping metallic sound from the rear passenger wheel. Fat Woman doesn't know much about cars but she does know when something is WRONG WRONG WRONG so Fat Woman drove all the way around the mini-roundabout and went back down the High Street to the nice local garage with the nice and knowledgeable mechanics. The nice garage mechanic took Fat Woman's keys and went for a short drive in the Fatmobile. Returning seven minutes later Nice Mechanic confiscated the Fatmobile as being dangerous to drive. Fat Woman was very glad Nice Mechanic had identified the problem but was rather sorry her swim was off.

Fat Woman was even more sorry that her nice swim in the 85F(29.4C) pool with a lovely hot shower afterwards was replaced by two 12 minute walks in the freezing cold. Fat Woman is claiming that walk as a whole 25 minutes for her exercise total and is not admitting to anyone in real life that actually the last thing she wanted to do on this cold day when she had severe Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness was go swimming.

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