Saturday, 4 February 2012

Fat Woman inventories her gym bag

Fat Woman is getting fit by going to the gym. Part of this is because Fat Woman has an enormous bag of very important and necessary equipment that she drags with her. Fat Woman has produced an inventory of her gym equipment with a view to cutting down the sheer volume of paraphernalia she is dragging with her.

Gym trousers - Fat Woman wears slightly too short yoga pants. Fat Woman has ordered new ones but hasn't dared to buy ones with the elastic cuffs around the ankle because they are so unstylish. Fat Woman simply avoids looking in the mirror when her trouser legs are riding up. Fat Woman does fear that the day is coming when looking unstylish is less awful that showing the lower part of her leg with its big fat calf. The trousers are black because black is magically slimming, even when you are the size of Fat Woman.

Gym t-shirt - Fat Woman has a special exercise t-shirt, but only because having bought two years ago she is finally getting to use them. The t-shirt is also black because of its formerly mentioned slimming properties..

Fleece - Fat Woman finds the gym very cold at first and likes to be wrapped up warmly until she has actually warmed up. Fat Woman also keeps things such as the money for her personal trainer and her locker key in her fleece pocket. Fat Woman has two navy blue fleeces because she doesn't want to look like a sad fat woman who thinks wearing black is a viable alternative to weight loss.

Sports bra - Fat Woman found that you can buy Fat Woman sized sports bras this year and ordered one from Debenhams.  Fat Woman is delighted that she is properly supported during her physical activities especially as the old joke about "having someone's eye out" nearly became true.

White socks - Fat Woman is putting off buying new socks because they never fit properly. Consequently these socks come in shades from white to very grey.Fat Woman has noticed that everyone at the gym wears white socks and wonders if it might be some sort of rule.

Alice band - Fat Woman has bobbed hair with a fringe, but started wearing the Alice band to stop the hair falling into her eyes. It comes in useful when she is very sweaty because she can push her fringe away under the band itself.

Trainers - Fat Woman has lovely black trainers to fit her wide feet.

Fat Woman sometimes wears these items to the gym and takes a clean set of street clothes to wear after her shower so they are not strictly in her gym bag at all times, but Fat Woman feels that they are certainly in her gym bag for the return journey and should therefore be included in the list.

iPod - Fat Woman is old school and the music in the gym is very new. It also trends heavily towards gangsta rap. Fat Woman likes music with (a) tunes you can recognise or (b) guitars. Fat Woman likes to work out to classics such as Elephunk by The Black Eyed Peas.

Water bottle - Fat Woman is doing her bit for the environment this year and is cutting down her consumption of plastic bottles. So far Fat Woman has not lost her new sports water bottle, but has resolved that when she does eventually lose this water bottle she will have a fancy water bottle with a filter so she can fill it up at the gym rather than from the filtered water at home.

Sweat towel - Fat Woman wipes off every piece of equipment after she's used it, and sometimes even has to wipe her face.

Swimming costume - If Fat Woman can manage a thirty minute swim after her gym session it helps make her 17 hour training goal for the month.

Swimming hat - Fat Woman got tired of having her hair damaged by pool water and purchased a silicone bathing cap. Fat Woman's hat is white because in the sports shop it was a choice between white or black and Fat Woman thinks black next to the face is a little draining for someone of her complexion.

Goggles - Fat Woman has to swim front crawl not breaststroke in order to avoid hurting her back again. Fat Woman really doesn't like chlorinated water in her eyes.

Waterproof MP3 player - Fat Woman got so very, very bored doing laps of the pool. The waterproof MP3 player made the lengths go past so much faster. It also helps to block out the noise of other people which can be quite stress-inducing at times.

Flip flops - Fat Woman is trying to avoid any more fungal infections. The flip flops are ugly purple with a pattern of stars. They were the only flip flips Fat Woman could find to fit wide feet. Fat Woman is going to start a "make your own flip flops" business.

Bath Sheet - Fat Woman needs a huge towel to wrap around her fat body. Fat Woman isn't shy in the locker room but likes to be reasonably modest.

Bath Towel - Fat Woman uses the second towel to wrap her hair in after a shower and then to stand on whilst getting dressed, thus avoiding foot fungus.

Sponge bag - Fat Woman has neat little miniature bottles filled with shampoo, conditioner, body wash and facial wash.

Hairbrush - Fat Woman doesn't like looking like a furze bush and considers a brush compulsory.

Boxing gloves - Fat Woman's trainer likes to do lots of boxing related activities. The gloves provided by the gym are disgusting, soiled with the sweat and skin cells of hundreds of people.

Fat Woman has not yet seen anything disposable in the list, with the possible exception of the MP3 players. Fat Woman considers the MP3 players the only things standing between her and sensory overload at the gym so she is going to keep the 100g of extra weight.

Fat Woman is considering the following coping strategies:

A bag on wheels - the shopping trolley is a noble tradition. Fat Woman could have one in tartan.

Two lockers - Fat Woman could put her coat, handbag and boots in a separate locker and have more room for her large sports bag.

Get really thin - Fat Woman reckons that by the time she has lost 150lb she could switch to a bath towel for her body. Also her clothes would take up less room.

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