Wednesday, 15 February 2012

Fat Woman is caught red-handed

Fat Woman had been working very hard in her aquarobics class. Fat Woman had been thinking that perhaps aquarobics was a little unchallenging, but Fat Woman has found that she can go double speed now and so get more benefit. Fat Woman doesn't have a lot to say about aquarobics, but she accompanies a friend and views it as more of a social event.

Fat Woman was waiting for this friend in the cafe. Fat Woman had already walked across to the supermarket, shopped and returned so had done even more exercise that her class. Fat Woman was thirsty. Looking at the range of the cold drinks in the cafe Fat Woman had to make a choice from the following:

  • Orange juice
  • Smoothie
  • Isotonic drinks
  • Still water
  • Coke
  • Diet Coke
Fat Woman doesn't like sweet drinks. Fat Woman was Fat Child and was never allowed to develop a taste for them. Fat Woman avoids isotonic drinks for the same reason and will do so until the day she runs either a marathon, a triathlon or for the bus. Fat Woman considers smoothies as food rather than drink, and although orange juice can be a drink Fat Woman wasn't in the mood for any sort of sugar. This left Fat Woman with a choice of (a) water or (b) Diet Coke. Fat Woman finds sparkling water refreshing but not still water.

Fat Woman chose the Diet Coke because of its carbonation, which is refreshing. Fat Woman also appreciated its zero calorie load and the taste. Fat Woman is confident she made the right decision.

Fat Woman had barely got the lid off when Personal Trainer appeared. "What is THAT?" asked Personal Trainer, pointing at the Diet Coke. Fat Woman considers the most effective form of defensive to be counter-attack. When Fat Woman asked: "Do you want to have a conversation about this right now? Do you? Do you?" Personal Trainer backed off.

Personal Trainer was half joking. Fat Woman was reacting strongly. Fat Woman doesn't consider that she over-reacted but it was definitely a strong reaction. Fat Woman hates having people paying attention to what she eats in a judging way. Fat Woman remembers a friend of her grandmother's who would sit opposite her at dinner staring at her and her plate. This horrible old man would stare and stare and sometimes comment on Fat Girl's normal healthy eating. Fat Girl had no idea why this horrible man would do this for a long time. Fat Girl had not yet learned that people thought she was fat because she stuffed herself with food all day. Fat Girl had an under active thyroid but no one knew that then.

Fat Girl once had a youth worker who she caught watching her on a youth camp. Everyone was clamouring for seconds and Fat Girl joined in because everyone else was. This man was watching Fat Girl and judging her. Later the Bad Youth Worker got Fat Girl on her own and got her to say that she was fat because she was a glutton and that it was against what God wanted. Bad Youth Worker had no health expertise or knowledge of Fat Girl's home life, he was simply ignorant and prejudiced.  Fat Girl never felt the same about church or even God after that judgement and betrayal of trust. Fat Woman looks back and finds it hard to reframe that memory and accept that what she thought was a truly Godly person was actually narrow-minded and used his assumptions to bully a vulnerable teen. Fat Woman wonders if this is how LGBT people feel about religion when they are told something that is not under their control makes them filthy in the sight of God.

Fat Woman never found self talk very helpful. Fat Woman could understand that people need food, that it's healthy to eat, that food is necessary and good and that people have a human right to eat. Fat Woman just never put herself in that category of "people" or "everyone". Fat makes you sub-human. Fat disqualifies you from human rights. Fat Girl internalised that message.

Fat Woman would like someone to hug her and understand this still hurts. Fat Woman can't share this anyone IRL. Fat Woman is even more worried about sharing this with Personal Trainer.

Fat Woman gives thanks that this layer is outside her inner core of strength and that it hasn't gone all the way in.

1 comment:

  1. You have the exact same wants and needs as every other human, so how could you be anything but? You are people and you are human. You are not longer Fat Girl, you are Fat Woman, so you can outgrow that internalised message and move on, I know you can.