Monday, 30 April 2012

Fat Woman gets chemically buzzed

Fat Woman and Personal Trainer were sitting in the gym café matching diaries. Personal Trainer's colleague and workout buddy joined Fat Woman and Personal Trainer to chat before Buddy and Personal Trainer went to work out. Buddy was drinking a new pre-workout supplement with the scary name of SOUL RIPPER.

Buddy claimed that his potion was effective, giving you a nice tingly feeling, but that it tasted disgusting. Personal Trainer drank some and agreed. Fat Woman smelled it and said it seemed okay. Buddy suggest that Fat Woman taste the mix. Fat Woman took a swig. Fat Woman treated the mix as medicine: she swallowed first and then breathed. Fat Woman told Buddy that it was okay, "a bit like squash".

Buddy offered Fat Woman a month of free PT if she could drink two scoops of SOUL RIPPER. Fat Woman said that for a month of free personal training she would be more than willing. Buddy backed down at high speed, saying that he didn't want to give Fat Woman a heart attack. Fat Woman wasn't unsurprised at the backing down. Fat Woman had thought that the stakes of such an easy bet were too high.

Fat Woman was surprised at how SOUL RIPPER made her feel. Within fifteen minutes Fat Woman had a delicious tingling all over her skin. Fat Woman also had the most tremendous buzz. Fat Woman couldn't understand how one little swig could have such a dramatic physical effect on her.

As Fat Woman consumes no alcohol, nicotine, and hardly any caffeine, sugar or artificial sweeteners a buzz wasn't actually that surprising.

Fat Woman texted Personal Trainer to tell Buddy that she liked his supplement.

An hour after  Fat Woman got home from the gym she was starting to come down. Fat Woman wanted another fix. Fat Woman had never had such an extreme physical reaction to anything and was rather scared by how much she was craving another slug of SOUL RIPPER. Fat Woman did look up SOUL RIPPER on the Internet, but having seen the list of ingredients (caffeine, guarano extract, ginseng as some of the more recognisable names) decided that she had better go cold turkey at once.

Personal Trainer recommended Fat Woman drink green tea for weightloss. Fat Woman said if Personal Trainer could produce a peer reviewed study she would drink as much green tea as he recommended, but that she didn't think it would deliver such a buzz, even if she was coming down. Personal Trainer agreed that come-downs were a bitch. Fat Woman was gobsmacked that Personal Trainer expected a come down and treated it as normal.

Personal Trainer said he was glad Fat Woman hadn't drunk two scoops of SOUL RIPPER. Fat Woman replied that she was choosing to believe that had both Fat Woman and Buddy been quite that stupid, Personal Trainer would have intervened. Fat Woman isn't entirely sure Personal Trainer would have stopped her.

Fat Woman is unimpressed with (a) herself (b) Buddy (c) the health and fitness market. Fat Woman wants to go to be to sleep it all off and will never, ever, ever drink another supplement again.

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