Thursday, 16 January 2014

Fat Woman and the parallel universe

Personal Trainer flirted with Fat Woman. More accurately, Personal Trainer flirted AT Fat Woman.

To say Fat Woman was taken aback would be an understatement. Fat Woman and Personal Trainer have a carefully cultivated relationship of client/trainer with a dash of mentor/mentee (can go either way, depending on the subject at hand) and a large dose of Auntie/Nephew. Personal Trainer denies the last one, but as Fat Woman makes him cake for his birthday and gives him money to buy an ice-cream on holiday and even  a lollipop after he went to the dentist it is hard to deny. Fat Woman and Personal Trainer have trained together, worked together, lunched together, met each others families, shot together and talked for hundreds of hours. Personal Trainer sharpens Fat Woman's knives for her and brings her pigeon breast. Fat Woman picks up cartridges from the gun shop for Personal Trainer and makes cake for his mother. The friendship is amiable and, Fat Woman thought, a genuine platonic one.

Fat Woman has never found Personal Trainer attractive, although she will happily admit he is the prettiest trainer in the gym and, since he started sharpening her knives, she will publicly declare him God's gift to women. (Fat Woman doesn't know what other women want in life, but decently sharp kitchen knives are damn near the top of her list.) The indisputable lack of Fat Woman's sexual attraction to Personal Trainer was quite a sticking point for Personal Trainer, who is still taking it personally and cannot see the irony of expecting someone to find you attractive on aesthetic grounds whilst holding an equal and opposite expectation that you will never find them attractive on those same grounds. Fat Woman doesn't mind this because she likes her men older, taller, more educated and with an appreciation of culture (see: Thin Husband), but she hasn't actually said this outright to Personal Trainer for fear of hurting his feelings. At the time Fat Woman met Personal Trainer she felt that she was fighting for an awful lot and was focussed on nothing but her health. By the time Fat Woman relaxed enough to get to know Personal Trainer she knew him far too well to ever find him attractive. Also, Personal Trainer really reminds Fat Woman of her father.

When Personal Trainer threw a flirt at Fat Woman he implied that he was standing behind her watching her behind. He actually said: "You don't know what I'm looking at standing here" complete with a Sid James leer. Fat Woman was incredulous. Fat Woman is fully aware that she has many attractive features, but even the ones that aren't esoteric are on her front side. Fat Woman is also keenly aware of what type of female rear Personal Trainer likes as he has told her so, mostly to wind her up but also because she suspects he gets a kick out of making her use words like "objectification". Personal Trainer's own rear is probably closer to his ideal than Fat Woman's own. Fat Woman doesn't usually pay much attention to these things but when the short shorts are on (leg days) one hardly has a choice in the matter. Fat Woman is a classic English pear shape, which means she has a fat arse. This is not exactly a worry to Fat Woman as she has many other fat bits, but it does mean that there was no way in five kinds of hell that Personal Trainer was eyeing her up for anything other than professional reasons. With the amount of work Personal Trainer has made Fat Woman do on squats and their form recently Fat Woman suspects he could pick her lower half out of a Big Beautiful Princess line up. Also, Personal Trainer is not usually stupid, and whilst in a parallel universe far, far, away he might have been lustfully gazing upon the trunk of his fat woman client, he wouldn't be so dim as to say so out loud directly to the lady in question.

So Fat Woman stood for a moment, jaw agape, eyebrows in hairline, and stared at the trainer she had trusted enough to let him do assisted quad stretching (when Fat Woman lies face down on the floor and Personal Trainer twists and bends bits of her) with outrage and horror on her face. Then it came to Fat Woman. Personal Trainer was employing a classic distraction technique. By setting off a bomb at one end of the street Personal Trainer was trying to distract Fat Woman from the petty theft at the other end, or in this case he was trying to distract Fat Woman from the fact that he had just let slip enough information to tell Fat Woman that (1) he had started dating a new lady and (2) that lady is someone with whom Fat Woman is acquainted.

Fat Woman views Personal Trainer's behaviour in the same way she would a child who tries to hide something they've broken under the settee, completely missing the fact that the grown up can see everything anyway and knows exactly what is going on. Fat Woman thinks this clumsy attempt to hide something is rather sweet. Fat Woman knew the young folk liked each other, had picked up that they were seeing each other and so long as Personal Trainer turns up for sessions on time (he'd been late twice that week, a big indicator) Fat Woman doesn't care in the slightest. Fat Woman likes a good romance and thinks it is sweet that Personal Trainer is protective of his new relationship. However, if Personal Trainer EVER tries such a blatant and disrespectful trick on Fat Woman again she will break his arms. Or tell his mother.

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