Saturday, 27 April 2013

Fat Woman and the merry band

Fat Woman had been shopping for fitness gear. Fat Woman likes shopping but purchasing exercise equipment frustrates her as everything seems over priced or under quality. Fat Woman's approach is to buy a reasonably priced item, preferably from eBay or Amazon so it will be delivered, and buy again if the first item is used so much it wears out. This has served Fat Woman well so far. Fat Woman's boxing gloves have had heavy use for nearly 18 months yet they are standing up very well considering  she paid just £15 for them. Personal Trainer likes brands, but Fat Woman prefers not to associate herself with Adidas or Puma or any other fitness brand. Fat Woman is damn sure that the aforementioned companies wouldn't want to be associated with fat women! Fat Woman argued the branding issue back and forth with Personal Trainer but thinks she made her point when he acknowledged that if you see someone in a brand new pair of Adidas gloves you think they walked into John Lewis and bought whatever was available because they are an ignorant newbie, but if you see someone in a pair of well worn no-name brand gloves you know less about them, you give them the benefit of the doubt.  Fat Woman has done similarly well with boxing pads and waterproof MP3 player. 

Fat Woman has bought inferior sporting goods from high street sporting stores too many times. Fat Woman's tennis racket that she bought from DW Fitness is considered dangerous by three coaches so far, who reckon Fat Woman was on the way to a serious vibration injury. So Fat Woman has given up on the high street. The only non-virtual place that Fat Woman gets exercise equipment now is Tesco. Fat Woman has a kettlebell, Swiss ball, swimming goggles, weight lifting gloves and arm band for her MP3 player at ridiculously cheap prices from the convenient corner shop. As Fat Woman says to her left wing anti-corporation chums: "It may be an evil, monolithic corporation, but it's so convenient." 

Fat Woman needed a resistance band. This was a recommendation from Personal Trainer as part of the process of fixing Fat Woman's back squat. Fat Woman has a tendency to sink one hip lower than the other and to let one of her knees wobble inwards. Personal Trainer said that working with a resistance band would help solve this problem. Fat Woman has never let Personal Trainer use a resistance band on her before as she was mentally scarred by the sight of Buddy holding one end whilst his client's ankle was tied to the other. Fat Woman said that Personal Trainer was never, ever going to be allowed to put her on a leash.

Fat Woman is a fatalist so she went away and ordered a resistance band from eBay. The only problem with the band when it arrived was that it just 80cm long. Fat Woman has not realised that resistance bands are sold in strips and that you must tie them yourself. Fat Woman had thought that an 80cm band would be an 80cm loop. Personal Trainer said that Fat Woman could use the 80cm length of bright green rubber material to tie her hair back. 

Fat Woman ordered three metres of resistance band. The band arrived and was taken to the gym. Personal Trainer was very keen to show Fat Woman how you can use a resistance band when lifting weights. Fat Woman watched Personal Trainer wind three metres of green ribbon around the barbell and stand on the ends whilst he lifted the weights. The band snapped and Personal Trainer didn't even notice. Personal Trainer felt bad about spoiling Fat Woman's band but Fat Woman pointed out there was still two metres left, and it had been cheap anyway. 

Fat Woman ended up with the resistance band around her left thigh whilst Personal Trainer held the band ends. Fat Woman is still a very squishy person, especially in the leg area, and found instead of lying flat in a nice, wide strip, the band rolled up into a cable, which cut in terribly. Fat Woman was put in mind of turning sausages into smaller ones by twisting them. It has been a long time since Fat Woman has had to say she was too fat for something, so long in fact that she didn't actually realise that was what she should have said. 

Under Personal Trainer's tutelage Fat Woman did weighted squats with the resistance bands pulling her left leg first inwards and then outwards. Fat Woman was left totally confused as to what was going on and just hopes that Personal Trainer was on top of things.

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