Friday, 31 October 2014

Fat Woman and the gentle rubbing

Personal Trainer has gone and qualified as a sports masseuse. Hurrah for Personal Trainer!

Fat Woman was made quite unwell by the thought of taking her trousers off in front of Personal Trainer, but she did concede to give his new sports massage service a go when she reactivated her RSI (repetitive strain injury). Fat Woman knows she has triggered her RSI when the muscles in her arms and neck feel tighter and tighter and won't respond to stretching or foam rollering. Sometimes Osteopath sorts this out for Fat Woman, but Fat Woman had credit to use up with Personal Trainer. Fat Woman was also a bit tired of explaining to people that she needs accommodation for being both fat and pregnant so when Personal Trainer said she could sit on a Swiss ball during treatment Fat Woman was sold on the idea.

Personal Trainer used a lavender oil, which was a great improvement on the pine scent that Fat Woman's last masseuse had used. Being covered in pine oil makes Fat Woman feel like a newly cleaned toilet for the rest of the day. In a previous discussion about base oils Personal Trainer had told Fat Woman that he couldn't remember exactly what the base oil he used was made up with, but if Fat Woman was worried about sensitivities he could use baby oil. Fat Woman has a pretty good idea why people without babies have baby oil in the house and would rather avoid being in any situation where Personal is putting hands covered in baby oil upon her, never mind her sensitivities.

Personal Trainer explained to Fat Woman that it's very hard to make a sports massage relaxing when someone needs some work doing, but it's extremely hard when someone is sitting up rather than lying down. Fat Woman didn't want to lie flat on her back because currently it makes her hip joint hurt. Anyway, the idea of a professional sports massage being relaxing is utter poppycock in Fat Woman's opinion. If a massage is relaxing you probably didn't really need one, or whoever had their hands on you didn't work hard enough.

Personal Trainer certainly worked hard at massaging Fat Woman. Starting at Fat Woman's hands, Personal Trainer worked his way up Fat Woman's arms to the back of her neck. Fat Woman concedes that Personal Trainer's work is thorough and extremely effective. The major symptom of Fat Woman's RSI is tight fascia, and Personal Trainer certainly addressed all that plus many trigger points. Trigger points are dealt with by pressing on the knot until the client screams that the pain has reached an eight, and then allowing the pain to die away to a four, and then ramping up the pain again. At least, that's Fat Woman's understanding of the process.

Fat Woman has been practising hypnobirthing to help her deal with pain during childbirth. Self hypnosis doesn't help much when someone keeps drawing your attention back to how much what they are doing hurts on a scale of one to ten. Still, Fat Woman was encouraged that she was able to cope with the pain visited up on her by Personal Trainer, mostly by keeping up the regular deep breathing, and thinks that childbirth surely can't be that bad after all.

It did occur to Fat Woman that really she wasn't really appreciating the finer details of the moment, when a young handsome man in a tight t-shirt and short shorts was rubbing oil into her and she was trying to imagine herself alone and relaxed on a beautiful beach somewhere else entirely, but all Fat Woman can say is that such things are completely different in reality.

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