Sunday, 21 October 2012

Fat Woman and the arse

Swimming Coach is being an arse. Fat Woman is not interested in having any more arse in her life as she has quite enough of her own, thank you very much.

Fat Woman has been training with Swimming Coach once a month because she hurt her back swimming. This was the ultimate irony as swimming is meant to be the safest thing for really fat people to do. Swimming Coach diagnosed a "screw kick" and said that also breaststroke leads you to bend the back. So Fat Woman has learned to do a brilliant and easy front crawl and has improved her back crawl too. Fat Woman is intending to go diving again, and Swimming Coach had promised to go Open Water swimming with her next Easter.

Fat Woman has, in the past, trained with Swimming Coach in the gym when Personal Trainer was away. The first time was in March when Personal Trainer went skiing. Fat Woman was terrified that if she missed training on Monday her whole week of exercise would crumble. Then in July, when Personal Trainer was away/ill/cancelled last minute Fat Woman trained several times with Swimming Coach.

This caused trouble.

Fat Woman had no idea how much Personal Trainer and Swimming Coach were in competition with each other. If Fat Woman brought one of them flapjacks the other had to get the same. If Fat Woman had an appointment with one, the other one would keep her talking and make her late. This was mildly amusing, but got old after a couple of months.

This history is that Fat Woman had enquired about training with Swimming Coach first but reception had not passed on the messages. This did not help matters. By the time Swimming Coach got in contact with Fat Woman she had fired the awful Barbie PT and in the last twenty minutes had engaged Personal Trainer, who had approached her on the gym floor. Swimming Coach had never really got over losing out on a client and Fat Woman knows not to joke about it because Swimming Coach blows up. It was a little tricky when Fat Woman engaged Swimming Coach to train her when Personal Trainer was away, but things got positively sticky on the one day Fat Woman trained with Swimming Coach without telling Personal Trainer first. At one point, Fat Woman got thoroughly fed up with the pair of them and if she hadn't got her own self-interests firmly at heart would have given them both up.

Swimming Coach and Fat Woman were mates. They had lunch a couple of times, texted outside of the gym and went to a couple of places together. Occasionally they would talk about personal stuff. After Fat Woman asked Swimming Coach to stop flirting with her quite so hard on the grounds he didn't really mean it they were getting on very well. Fat Woman knows that Swimming Coach likes his girlfriends to be younger, thinner and way more insecure than Fat Woman.

Fat Woman noticed that once September came she no longer saw Swimming Coach anywhere near so much. Swimming Coach also stopped texting Fat Woman, which wasn't an issue, and no longer replied to her messages, which was slightly annoying, but never quite an obvious cut. The idea that perhaps Swimming Coach had been courting Fat Woman as a potential client when Personal Trainer left the gym had been dropped in Fat Woman's ear, but if that was the case it wasn't because Fat Woman had ever said anything. Fat Woman had been very clear that she was continuing to train with Personal Trainer.

Way back in April Swimming Coach and Fat Woman had discussed birthdays. Fat Woman said that she only made cakes for milestone birthdays, unless she had a reciprocal relationship with someone. Swimming Coach declared that was what he wanted, so Fat Woman made him bodybuilder truffles on his actual birthday, plus a voucher for a box of her cupcakes that he could cash when he was eating normally again.

Fat Woman's cupcakes are pretty good if she says so herself. Fat Woman will often design a box of cupcakes for her friends. Swimming Coach loved Fat Woman's banoffee pie, so Fat Woman did three different designs of banoffee cupcake, some with banoffee icing on a banana cupcake, and some with the toffee actually inside the banana cake. There was a choice of  buttercream icing with classic grated chocolate or a toffee drizzle with little gold stars. Fat Woman considers she outdid herself. Swimming Coach was very pleased, took lots of photos, refused to share the cakes with anyone and boasted about them on several occasions.

Despite seeming to appreciate the cupcakes, remembering it was Fat Woman's birthday the week before, and having Fat Woman's birthday in his diary, Swimming Coach didn't even manage a "Happy birthday". Fat Woman considers the least he could have managed when she said: "I'm another year older" was "Oh, shit! I forgot." Fat Woman doesn't actually care about people remembering her birthday - Personal Trainer certainly forgot between Wednesday and Monday - but she does think that not even doing the minimum to secure a repeat of her marvellous cupcakes is pretty narcissistic. Fat Woman doesn't forget broken promises either.

Fat Woman wouldn't give two hoots about the birthday thing if something else hadn't happened. Swimming Coach pulled Sergeant PT aside when he saw Sergeant PT coaching Fat Woman and said: "Careful - she's gone through a few PTs!" Sergeant PT wasn't going to engage with Swimming Coach but he certainly mentioned this to Personal Trainer because of the suggestion of impropriety. And so it came straight back to Fat Woman. It took Fat Woman most of the day to twig to the double entendre, but she was pretty ticked off when she did. No one who knew both of them would think that Fat Woman and Personal Trainer had been up to anything inappropriate because they simply don't have that dynamic. Swimming Coach, however, is an outrageous competitive flirt and has been not been shy about being forward with Fat Woman in front of other people, to the point that at least one person has asked if something might happen/already be happening.

Fat Woman doesn't mind people thinking she has no morals but she does mind them thinking she has no taste.

Fat Woman feels like she's in High School, and it's not just the lockers. Swimming Coach is avoiding meeting Fat Woman's eyes and Fat Woman is not giving him the chance to pretend everything is okay. Fat Woman thought that Swimming Coach was jealous of Personal Trainer, but when Swimming Coach started sticking his beak into interactions Fat Woman has with other trainers it becomes possessive and creepy, and especially weird because the apparent jealousy does not appear to be based around Fat Woman as a person, just as a client.

Fat Woman is spending this month's swimming lesson budget on a manicure and facial.

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