Monday, 8 October 2012

Fat Woman and the swinging

Fat Woman doesn't really enjoy being outside. One day when Personal Trainer was being particularly puppyish, he bounced up to Fat Woman and said: "Would you like to train outside?" Fat Woman recognised the tone of voice as she uses the same one  when offering to let Thin Husband stay home rather than accompany her to visit relatives/the village fete/John Lewis. The tone conveys that a great treat is on offer and that the offerer is delighted to be able to be so generous and kind.

Fat Woman's reply to "Would you like to train outside?" was an extremely firm: "No." When Personal Trainer looked like a puppy that someone had kicked Fat Woman was prompted to say: "I'm sorry. I meant 'No, thank you.'"

Fat Woman did not put Personal Trainer's desire for a suntan over her preference for a lack of sunburn, insects and viewing by members of the general public, possibly even someone she knew. As that was the last hot and sunny day in the entire summer, Fat Woman and Personal Trainer have not yet trained outside.

At the weekend Fat Woman spent four hours training outside with a 16kg weight. The weight is actually Fat Woman's three year old godson. Fat Woman is making a conservative estimate of Godson's weight but he is a tall boy and big for his age so Fat Woman thinks this is fair.

Certainly, there has never been a kettlebell as cute or as adorable or as bright for its age as Fat Woman's godson, and possibly not another child either, but Fat Woman does see the advantage in kettlebells not being able to demand more reps. Fat Woman spent at least half the time she and Godson were on the park pushing Godson on the swing. Godson has a request for Fat Woman to "hold it!" This means Fat Woman has to catch the swing with Godson in it, and pull it back as far as possible, hold it until her arms burn, then let the swing go, helping it along with a push. Godson finds this utterly delightful. and after the swing has been pushed to reach its maximum speed and height, wants to do it all over again.

Godson's mother finds it utterly delightful that Fat Woman can keep Godson amused for two hours at a time so she can get some studying done.

Godson thought that Fat Woman should swing as well. Fat Woman hadn't been on a swing for twenty years. Miraculously though, Fat Woman was able to fit on the swing and even remembered how to actually swing. Fat Woman used to love going on swings but stopped because she was too fat and the chains would pinch her. To be able to fly through the air again gave Fat Woman an amazing feeling of freedom.

Fat Woman is not entirely sure of the physics around pendulums and weights, but eventually she got off the swing because it was going a little bit too fast and she was starting to feel a bit giddy. Not as giddy as she was on the roundabout, but enough to make her remember that she is in fact a responsible adult. Besides, Godson needed his swing to be held again.

Fat Woman has no idea of the actual calories burned but thinks the babysitting diet might be good for a book, and possibly a spin-off exercise class.


  1. I think a babysitting diet would be an excellent book! How nice that you were able to spend time with him, help out his mom, and enjoy yourself outside! And I still remember the first time I sat on a swing as I was losing weight. It was pretty exciting. Congrats to you!