Friday, 5 October 2012

Fat Woman and the food blues

Fat Woman is constantly surprised by the world of the gym and the things that people do and say. Fat Woman rather misses the rarified world of academia where if someone said something you knew exactly what they meant because they used two thousand words to state their position, explain the implications and provided evidence to support their argument. Even the world of small businesses was in comparison to the gym a complex place with many more facets. In the gym there are just two areas of interest - diet and exercise. Even personal gossip gets barely a conversational look in, with the hot topic of who got up to what with which person being dropped the moment someone mentions a new protein powder or how many reps they did at maximum weight.

Apparently pea protein is the current fashion.

Despite finding the gym a simple place Fat Woman is aware that there are complex undercurrents and that etiquette and procedure have their own forms. For example, it is quite all right to say: "Good workout?" but rather a faux pas to say: "How are your abs?" Nevertheless, Fat Woman surprised to find that after Personal Trainer left for a new gym, not only was his corner of the gym floor inherited by Buddy, but so was Fat Woman. Not as a client, because Fat Woman still trains with Personal Trainer, but as a personal baker. Buddy surprised Fat Woman by asking if she would make him one of the zero-carbohydrate loaves of bread that she had made for Personal Trainer during one of his more brutal dieting phases. Fat Woman was rather taken aback by this, partly because she had no idea that she and Buddy were that close. In fact, Fat Woman is not entirely sure that Buddy knows anything about her other than her first name and that she is a client of Personal Trainer's. There conversation which had previously consisted of: "All right?" "All right." "Good work out?" "Yes. You?" "Yes. See you!" "See you!" suddenly became "All right?" "All right." "Good work out?" "Yes. Will you make me one of those loaves you made for Personal Trainer?"

The other part of Fat Woman's surprise was that Buddy wanted the zero-carb loaf in the first place. Made from ground linseeds and eggs it is a nearly-tasteless yet highly calorific foodstuff that Fat Woman regards as a freakish abomination and an insult to baking. Fat Woman makes two sorts of lovely protein fudge, fabulous quinoa and wonderful, beautiful cakes. It is beyond Fat Woman why someone would want to pay her the best part of five pounds for something which she wouldn't say thank you for if she was starving and only the Tesco garage was open. Fat Woman theorizes that Buddy is so committed to maintaining his enormous muscles that he is sacrificing the pleasure of eating real food. Not that the zero-carb loaf is imaginary, oh no! The linseed alone has 1300 calories. Add in five egg whites, two full eggs and 75ml of olive oil and you are looking at a total of at least 2200 calories.

Fat Woman doesn't get to eat that much in a day.

Buddy can eat a loaf between delivery and before he finishes his workout.

Fat Woman is slightly impressed by Buddy's commitment to a low-carb diet and also his eating ability.

Fat Woman is unimpressed by Buddy's inability to wash up the tin his loaf comes in before sending it back for a refill and is thinking of charging him.

Here is the recipe as taken from
2 cups ground flax seed
5 egg whites
2 whole eggs
5 tablespoons flax oil, coconut oil, or olive oil
1 tablespoon baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup water
3 packets Stevia

Mix all the ingredients together and bake at 170C for half an hour.

Fat Woman has found that sometimes the loaf needs a little more than the half an hour specified. Nor does Fat Woman adjust her fan oven temperature downwards. Once, when being cautious with the temperature Fat Woman removed the loaf from the oven a little too soon. Rather than turning the loaf out immediately Fat Woman left it in the metal tin overnight thinking that it would continue to cook a little more before cooling. When Fat Woman turned out the loaf the next morning the bottom was bright blue. It was a very pretty colour, one which Fat Woman might use as an accent in the hallway, but food is not meant to be blue, especially not the zero-carb loaf, which should be a nice dark brown. The warm loaf had gone impressively mouldy overnight, with fungus feasting on the slightly too-moist  bread and having a ball with the still slightly liquid egg whites on the greaseproof paper.

Fat Woman has since bought a silicone loaf tin and turns the loaf out on to a cooling tray ten minutes after baking.

1 comment:

  1. I bet he was secretly coveting your bread the whole time you were working with the PT. Even though you still work with PT, this guy really wants that bread! Double your fee!