Friday, 1 November 2013

Fat Woman and the scary Hallowe'en candy

Fat Woman likes Hallowe'en. First, that's because Hallowe'en has an apostrophe in its name. Secondly, Hallowe'en is pure fun. People dress up in costume to make other people smile, and these other people give the people in costume sweets to make them happy. It's just a big happiness loop. Fat Woman has little electronic ghosts outside on her doorstep and a sign in the window saying "Trick or Treaters welcome 5.30pm-7.30pm" just so that everyone is clear on the parameters of her engagement with the celebrations, and so that parents allow their little darlings to knock on her door.

Fat Woman was shooting earlier in the day so her usual two hour window was shortened by half an hour. This meant that Fat Woman has slightly more delicious sugary things left over than she had expected. Thin Husband refused to take the remaining sweets to work on the grounds that he and his minions would "just eat them". Fat Woman is not seeing the issue with this; Thin Husband now weighs less than he did at university thanks to Fat Woman's healthy cooking, and so can indulge in sweets. Fat Woman suspects that Thin Husband doesn't want his minions at work moaning about how they've put on weight thanks to the sweets he brought in, but he never actually said that so Fat Woman let it go.

Fat Woman is back to writing the most boring diary in the world, her food diary, so this is a really bad week for Fat Woman to have a box of sweets in the house. Fat Woman is generous with the quality of her Hallowe'en sweets and could quite happily eat her way through the remaining bags of Moam chews, starting with the strawberry and cherry ones, moving on to the lemon and orange ones and finishing up with any cola or mixed flavour ones. However, Fat Woman is not going to have any more than the couple (five actually) of strawberry chews she snaffled whilst manning the door at the same time as trying to cook dinner so there are six packets of sweets that need disposing.

Fat Woman is not averse to "wasting" food. Fat Woman refuses to be caught in the dichotomous morality projected by the world around her that tells her it is not only bad to waste food but it is also bad for a fat person to eat anything more than a calorie deficit. Fat Woman regularly throws away perfectly good fruit on the grounds that Thin Husband won't eat it and she that she has had her rations. Fat Woman also refuses to eat anything past its best before date on the grounds that it might not kill you but it doesn't taste good, and if you're eating mindfully and being aware of every mouthful it isn't a fun experience to be aware that every mouthful tastes slightly stale. However, Fat Woman was loathe to consign the delicious Moam chews to the black bin when they could bring so much joy and happiness to others. Fat Woman has calculated that the entirety of the leftovers would be 4,728 calories, or as Fat Woman sees it, nine and half days of calorie deficit i.e. dieting. Fat Woman is fairly confident that if anyone ate that number of excess calories they would put on approximately one and a third pounds, or if she did so herself she would put on three pounds and get a disgusting sugar crash afterwards. Fat Woman is possibly engaging in doublethink and thinking that sugar is evil but only to her, everyone else will take a little bit and enjoy it in a restrained and healthy matter.

Fat Woman is taking the extra sweeties to the gym today. The staff of the gym are made up of lovely young people who do cardio five times and day and they can afford to eat sugar. Or if they are like Personal Trainer when he's on one of his hardcore healthy eating plans and think sugar is evil they can throw them out. Honour is satisfied either way. If Fat Woman worked at a gym she would offer customers free sweets after every workout in the most evil customer retention strategy ever.

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