Monday, 24 September 2012

Fat Woman and the drugs again

Fat Woman takes thyroxine. This is because Fat Woman has an underactive thyroid gland. Fat Woman also has the associated auto immune disorder, Hashimoto's syndrome, but that just means that her thyroid gland is being attacked by her own body. Fat Woman got fat because of the underactive thyroid, but she doesn't like be defensive about it. Fat Woman is still fat and is probably going to stay some level of fat her entire life because there is no evidence she can find of any woman with Hashimoto's syndrome losing 200lb.

Fat Woman struggles with her thyroid hormone levels. When Fat Woman loses weight her body needs slightly less thyroxine. First Fat Woman loses weight speedily because she is slightly over-medicated, then her weight loss crashes to a halt because she is definitely over-medicated. Fat Woman uses the NHS for her tests and it has been a struggle to be allowed more than a test once-every-six-months. Fat Woman is allowed more tests than that but relies on monitoring her symptoms to guess what her hormone levels are and  then gets a blood test to confirm it.

Right now Fat Woman has no idea whether her dose is too much or too little. Fat Woman has dry eyes for the first time ever. This is not only a new symptom but particularly galling as she was trying to get contact lenses. Fat Woman's tear response was apparently eight seconds instead of the usual two. Fat Woman hasn't had contact lenses for twenty years and was so looking forward to having them.

Fat Woman is also very cold. The weather where Fat Woman lives has recently changed to be much colder than is usual for the time of year. This means that Fat Woman has no warm winter coat that fits her and can't yet buy one in the shops because they have only light Autumn coats. Fat Woman tries to remember that she is lucky to have a house with central heating and coats that help keep her warm even if they are five sizes too big for her. Fat Woman is getting to the point where she is going to blow a hundred and something pounds on a decent coat even if it is too big for her by February.

The symptoms lead Fat Woman to think she is on the slightly low side of dosing but she is loath to change her dose in case it is a temporary blip.

Fat Woman considers it incredibly unfair that people assume that layers of fat keep you warm. Fat Woman isn't warm on the inside at all.

Fat Woman is very tired of having her hard work wasted because her thyroid dose isn't right. Every choice made is not progress but at best damage limitation. Fat Woman also finds it wearing that no one she knows in real life seems to understand the full extent of the problems an underactive thyroid causes. When Personal Trainer announced he thought Fat Woman was losing weight again because she had been retaining water Fat Woman just looked at him without knowing what to say.

Fat Woman would love to be one of those people who ate themselves fat with junk food and by drinking fizzy drinks. That would mean that Fat Woman would be finding the weight just falling off her without any crappy hormonal complications.

Fat Woman would get her thyroid cut out in a heartbeat if it meant an end to the up and down. Looking forever like your throat has been slashed has got to be better than this.

The only reason that Fat Woman hasn't rung Personal Trainer and said she isn't coming in today is because Fat Woman believes that if you stop for a good reason you'll stop for a bad reason. That and she doesn't want to cry down the phone to Personal Trainer. Fat Woman has some pride left.

Some days the pride is all that's holding Fat Woman up.

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