Friday, 11 January 2013

Fat Woman and the dead birds

When Fat Woman refers to "killing birds" she doesn't actually mean slaughtering wildlife. Fat Woman leaves that to her cats, who usually prefer rodents and frogs but who have disgraced themselves this week by presenting Fat Woman with a seasonally appropriate robin. Thin Husband refers to the cats as "ground game" and if they keep on with the birds Fat Woman might agree. When Fat Woman talks about killing birds she means pigeons of the clay variety. Fat Woman can see that shooting game is great fun but she has neither the connections or the money she would need to get into game shooting. Clay pigeon shooting is much more convenient and has a much lower cost of entry. Clay pigeons are also reliable and repetitive and actually there when you want to shoot them, unlike the real pigeons in Fat Woman's experience.

Fat Woman now has her own shotgun, a 1999 Browning 425. It is light and pretty and is Fat Woman's favourite new toy. Fat Woman hasn't been so keen on a new toy since she got her first laptop. Even Thin Husband has displayed an interest in Fat Woman's shotgun. Thin Husband asked if Fat Woman was going to name her gun รก la Full Metal Jacket and suggested"Robert" as an appropriate first name. Fat Woman pointed out that her gun was a shotgun not a rifle and therefore she neither had to have the gun in bed with her or give it a name. Fat Woman also said that "Robert Browning" was an obvious and not very funny pun. If Fat Woman had been going to name the gun it would be called Gravy. When accepting sporting invitations Fat Woman could say "I'll be there, with Gravy". 

When Fat Woman bought her gun the stock was fifteen inches long. Fat Woman needs a stock which is closer to thirteen inches. The thing about buying a shotgun is that absolutely no one has guns to sell with stocks that short, let alone ones with butts that are properly shaped for a woman. Therefore it is next to impossible to learn to mount a gun properly. Fat Woman's Shooting Coach said Fat Woman should feel free to be gun up at first, especially when shooting with unfitted guns, which was sensible advice. 

Fat Woman was amazed by the number of people who felt that a novice shooting gun up was an affront to human decency. Fat Woman was very sorry to offend but having had a nasty bruise from the time she panicked and didn't mount a gun properly she is disinclined to do anything other that get the gun settled safely in the right place. Of course, most of these offended people were men who failed to connect Fat Woman's technique for mounting a gun with her gifted physical situation. Fat Woman would like have said: "Look, until you have tried mounting a gun with a butt that's pointy in the wrong direction into bazoomas like these you should BUTT OUT."  

Finding a gun to buy was particularly difficult for Fat Woman because the salespeople were keener on making Fat Woman go gun down than finding something for her to buy. The technique for finding a gun to purchase is apparently to hold lots of guns and then decide what you like. Fat Woman would be told she was holding a gun in the wrong way when actually she was compensating for an ill-fitting gun. The cluelessness of everyone surprised Fat Woman no end. Apparently gun shops are not used to dealing with (a) women (b) fat women (c) fat women who don't like being patronised. Even the gun shop that sold Fat Woman her gun  told her she wouldn't be able to test the gun. Fat Woman's Shooting Coach's colleague had to ring up and sort it out for her. Fat Woman wouldn't have bought a gun from a sexist gun shop apart from the fact she really, really wanted that particular gun.

Having spent so long picking up every gun in three counties Fat Woman is able to surprise people with her knowledge. When presented with a contact's very customised Miroku Fat Woman surprised and amazed by guessing it was an MK38. Actually, Fat Woman knows that the MK38 is the best selling Miroku gun and figured it was probably in the right price bracket for the person she was talking to. 

Thin Husband says it is scary how knowledgeable Fat Woman can sound with only the barest smidgeon of information.

Fat Woman immediately took her lovely Browning out to the baby range (slow clays, close in) and powdered birds A (left to right crosser), B (same, slower), C (looper), D (teal), and E (rabbit). Fat Woman then fell down on F, a right to left looper, but got there in the end. The Gunsmith had accompanied Fat Woman and he was kind enough to give her an hour of coaching. Fat Woman failed to get the really far away bird on a different stand, but managed several others and didn't embarrass herself on the skeet range either. Fat Woman was, in fact, awesome for a beginner and Gunsmith said she had a good eye. As Gunsmith has coached world champions this was a great compliment for Fat Woman.

Fat Woman now has to practice with her nicely fitted gun so she can go gun down and stop looking like a very obvious newbie. The only problem with gun down technique is that Fat Woman can't lift the gun in the straight line people keep on demonstrating to her because bits of her get in the way. Fat Woman has to pull the gun around her curve and then pull it back. 

Fat Woman is beginning to think that she is the only fat woman in Britain who goes has ever gone clay pigeon shooting. The only thing to fit Fat Woman so far is the gloves. This is probably because Fat Woman has large hands and long fingers like a man. 

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