Wednesday, 30 January 2013

Fat Woman and the underwear issue

Fat Woman was delighted to be able to purchase her first pair of trousers were the size did not start with "X". Fat Woman's latest pair of gym trousers - black, stretchy, natch - were marked "L". Fat Woman knows that in thin woman shops this would be an XXXL, but you might as well be talking about clothes shops in China so far as Fat Woman is concerned so she savoured the little victory. The new trousers were form-fitting, but this would hopefully stop the problems of the legs riding up. Calf-length trousers do not flatter Fat Woman and it is a source of constant irritation to her that however long her trousers she seems to end up flashing more skin than she wants to i.e. any. This is especially torturous during assisted stretching at the end of sessions when the stretcher (usually Personal Trainer) cannot keep the comfortable, professional distance and actually has to touch the stretchee. Fat Woman would workout in a onesie if it had elasticated wrists and ankles. And if it came in black of course. Fat Woman would be perfectly happy to wear bright colours at the gym but she avoids (1) anything that clashes with her face when it gets red and (2) having to do more than one load of gym laundry every day.

Fat Woman is starting to think that fully half her problems around fitness are caused by underwear. Having bought new trousers on the grounds that they will be more modest Fat Woman was unhappy to discover a hint of VPL (visible panty line). Fat Woman is always very careful not to show VPL, or flash bra either, and has a full grasp of all the strategies open to women for this. Fat Woman read every monthly women's glossy lifestyle magazine on the market for ten years so there isn't a lot she doesn't know about image improvement strategies. Not that Fat Woman bothers with most of the strategies most of the time, but that is not the point. Fat Woman no longer buys these magazines because they are repeating themselves, but that is also beside the point.

When wearing well-fitting trousers that show VPL a woman has the following choices:

  1. Wear really big knickers so that any VPL is so far down the leg it fits into the body's natural folds and disappears
  2. Wear a thong. 
  3. Wear no pants.

Fat Woman usually favours the Granny knickers approach. or as she calls them "Harvest Festival pants" (because "All Is Safely Gathered In").  However, Fat Woman's spending on new clothes has not extended to practical gym pants. In fact, the standard black gym briefs Fat Woman wears are the only things remaining from her largest size days. These elderly but functional and modest garments seem to survive squats and crunches without falling to pieces, unlike the modern ones Fat Woman bought to replace them. However, they aren't sized correctly and are causing the previously mentioned VPL.

The hard part of choosing gym underwear is that when working with a personal trainer they are looking at you all the time. When you squat they see everything. Fat Woman understands from some friends that going commando is de rigeur for this very reason. Fat Woman doesn't care how embarrassing having someone know that she is wearing plain, sensible underwear, it would be far more embarrassing to have someone watching her squat know that she was wearing a thong. To have someone watch knowing that you aren't wearing underwear sends Fat Woman into a cold swear.

As it turned out, Fat Woman's new trousers split at the seam on the first squat so her knickers showing was the least of Fat Woman's problems.

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