Fat Woman and the final aria

Fat Woman has cancelled her membership of her gym. There are just 33 days left until Fat Woman will be refused entry or, more worryingly, be allowed to use the facility to extend her car parking from three to five hours.

Fat Woman has been increasingly dissatisfied with her gym. At Personal Trainer's new gym every single member of the staff has looked at Fat Woman, smiled and said hello or goodbye or even - most strangely - thank you for coming. The fitness staff ask if Fat Woman had a good workout. The desk staff say that it is nice to see Fat Woman. The self-employed personal trainers smile and say hello. It is a very friendly and courteous place. Nothing like Fat Woman's gym.

There are some things that Fat Woman's gym has over Personal Trainer's new gym. Fat Woman's gym has more rowing machines. Personal Trainer's new gym has just three rowing machines, of which one can only produce drag up to 95. Fat Woman rows at 120. There has also been a little bit of trouble with the stationary bikes. Since Fat Woman started using the bikes to warm up before session all four have disappeared. Fat Woman swears this is nothing to do with her. There are two reclining cycles left, but Fat Woman doesn't enjoy those as much. Nor does Personal Trainer's new gym have a heavy punch bag. Instead it has a bright green free-standing punch bag that Fat Woman can have over with a good right hook. This is somewhat mitigated by the fact that there is a real boxing ring for Personal Trainer and Fat Woman to do pads in. It makes little difference to Fat Woman really, but she is allowed to use the ropes to lean on during rests.

Fat Woman's gym has a 20m swimming pool. Personal Trainer's new gym has a 12m pool, which Fat Woman thinks is really a paddling pool. Fat Woman would spend most of her swim turning around. The swimming pool was what kept Fat Woman at her gym for the last three months, but she has calculated that she can use the public swimming pools and still be within her budget.

The straw that broke the camel's back for Fat Woman was when they cancelled boxing class. In the entire timetable the only other class that Fat Woman wanted to do was aquarobics, and that just didn't get her heart rate up enough.

So Fat Woman is now a member of Personal Trainer's new gym and will hereafter be referring to it as "the gym" and what was "Fat Woman's gym" shall now be "Fat Woman's last gym".

Fat Woman did sing a little song as she skipped away from handing in her notice, but only quietly as the Fat Lady might sing to show the end of things but Fat Woman sings all the way through.

Fat Woman and the disappearing obstacle

Fat Woman has had trouble with her knees for ages, particularly the left one. In fact, Fat Woman's one rule of the gym, apart from "show no flesh" and "a personal trainer who flirts with you is after one thing - your money", is that she won't do anything that involves putting all her weight on one leg and hoiking the rest of her vast bulk after it.

This week Fat Woman had the most amazing session in the world because her knees didn't hurt one bit. No sharp pain from her patella tendon, no grinding noises from her cartilage, no twanging muscles. It was such a huge relief for Fat Woman to be able to do a squat with perfect form. It was also a relief for Fat Woman to know that Personal Trainer could see a clear difference between when she hurts and when she doesn't.

Fat Woman isn't sure how long this pain-free state is going to last so she doesn't want to celebrate too loudly or too long but she is counting up all the money spent on Osteopath and Glucosamine-Chronditin and all the time spent wearing sensible shoes and stretching and worrying about how to put her feet down without hurting herself more and is considering it well spent.

Fat Woman was tempted to run off and try the elliptical machines or a spin class but is holding back until she knows if this is just a flash in the pan. All that needs to be fixed now is Fat Woman's painful foot. This has been going on since August and Osteopath has told Fat Woman to go through the pain and it will get better. Fat Woman has pledged that if Osteopath has actually fixed it so she will get to be pain-free she will start the "Couch to 5k" programme. When Fat Woman told Personal Trainer this he asked if he had heard correctly, that Fat Woman wanted to do a 5k run. Fat Woman assured Personal Trainer that he hadn't heard correctly but that she was considering doing the part of "Couch to 5k" that came after the couch.

Fat Woman and the knotty problem

Fat Woman is learning the importance of stretching. Fat Woman spent good money with Osteopath to be informed that her hamstrings were simply too tight and she should stretch much more. Fat Woman now gets assisted hamstring stretching from Personal Trainer at the end of every session. Fat Woman doesn't enjoy assisted stretching because she is on flat on the floor at Personal Trainer's mercy but thinks it is really very nice when it stops.

Fat Woman has been working with Osteopath and Personal Trainer to improve the condition of her knees. Fat Woman has suffered variously with patellar tendonitis, compressed cartilage and adhesions. The patellar tendonitis had been bothering Fat Woman for a couple of years before she met Personal Trainer. The compressed cartilage came during Personal Trainer's holiday. Fat Woman trained with Swimming Coach who got Fat Woman to do 300+ squats and squat-type movements. Fat Woman did ask him what he was thinking getting a 300lb+ woman to do that, but the answer was unsatisfactory. The adhesions happened regularly until Osteopath diagnosed a problem with the tracking of Fat Woman's left knee cap. Fat Woman was sent off with instructions to ask Personal Trainer to work on strengthening her VMO. Personal Trainer knew immediately what a VMO was without having to ask and changed the position of Fat Woman's feet for lifting. For the interested reader, VMO stands for Vastus Mediallis Obliquus, which is a muscle found on the inside of the thigh. Fat Woman has been made to do single leg presses and single leg lifts for what seems like forever, although she still can't do a single leg squat unsupported. The upshot of all this technical knowledge was that Fat Woman was instructed to get assisted quad stretching as well as assisted hamstring stretching. This would help prevent more adhesions.

Fat Woman feels that stretching is a complete waste of exercise time, but has had to accept that it is necessary. Fat Woman hasn't managed to be more than stoic about stretching because she finds it even more embarrassing than the time she had to grip a Swiss ball between her ankles and raise the ball up in the air. Fat Woman was lying on her back at the time, which meant when she dropped the ball she was unable to stop it from bouncing off her forehead. Personal Trainer didn't even pretend not to laugh by the third time.

Four minutes before the end of every training session Personal Trainer tells Fat Woman to get on the mat. First comes the indignity of Fat Woman lying on her back with her foot resting on Personal Trainer's shoulder. From this point Personal Trainer seems to be trying to use his bodyweight  to put Fat Woman's leg behind her ear. Apparently Fat Woman is more flexible than 90% of Personal Trainer's clients. Fat Woman thinks this is mostly a good thing, although she has heard Personal Trainer mutter than he hates flexible people because they make stretching such hard work. There is little talking at this time because if Fat Woman laughs she might snap a tendon. Fat Woman relies on holding up her hand in a stop motion for when she is feeling the stretch.

After her dignity has been wounded, Fat Woman has to flop over on to her front for quad stretching. Personal Trainer has to tell Fat Woman to relax every week. Fat Woman hasn't mastered being zen about lying face down in a public place whilst a Personal Trainer puts her knee under his thigh and ends up leaning on her squishiest parts in order to execute the very helpful but slightly odd stretch mandated by osteopath. Fat Woman has to do some pushing back as well, to help prevent adhesions. As Fat Woman is apparently very flexible it takes some effort to achieve the right result. Fat Woman doesn't like to think too much about what is going on behind her. Communications can be quite hard when Fat Woman is face down on the ground and Personal Trainer is staring straight ahead so Fat Woman has learned that when she wants to beg for mercy she has to slap the ground like a wrestler signalling they give up.

Early in the session Fat Woman had informed Personal Trainer that it was a mark of how much her life had changed that the thing she wanted most in the whole world right then was to sit on the foam roller. Fat Woman likes The Grid foam roller and sometimes borrows Sparky's when she is in the gym. Personal Trainer said there would be no foam rolling until after session and made Fat Woman do leg presses and straight-legged deadlifts. So when Personal Trainer asked if Fat Woman was aware that she had a big knot "there" i.e. over her piriformis Fat Woman said yes, it was why she had mentioned the foam roller earlier. Personal Trainer offered to unknot the muscle for her. Fat Woman thought this was a very generous offer as technically the session was over. Having had problems with her piriformis and sciatic nerve in the past Fat Woman doesn't like to neglect this area. Personal Trainer warned that it would be sore later, but Fat Woman remembers the pain of a sciatic spasm and reckoned it couldn't be that bad.

Fat Woman isn't entirely sure what went on when she wasn't looking but thinks possibly Personal Trainer used his elbow to massage out the knot. Personal Trainer recommended a tennis ball for home use but Fat Woman is thinking that if regular sports massages are the price she has to pay to avoid lying on the floor whilst Personal Trainer jabs her bottom with his elbows then she needs to review the budget and find some money.

Fat Woman hopes to God it was elbows.

Fat Woman no longer has a knot but she is having trouble sitting down.

Fat Woman and what she really, really wants

Another day goes by and Fat Woman is faced with the reality that there is an awful lot of codswallop talked about women in the shooting world. This is to say that the codswallop is talked by the people in the shooting world about the women who shoot. Even the women who shoot are spouting some of this rubbish. Fat Woman thinks that it's about time someone did some conciousness raising, although she'll leave that to someone who can actually shoot better than she can. Fat Woman reserves the right to be annoyed by it.

The bit that frosts Fat Woman's cookies the most is the statement that "X per cent of women are left-eye dominant". There are variants on this. Sometimes the writer says that X per cent of women are "cross-dominant".  Once a writer even made claims that a large proportion of shooting women were in fact cross-eyed. Nevertheless, the theme is that the large majority of women are not right-eye dominant.

If it matters, Fat Woman is right-eye dominant. Fat Woman is currently shooting with both eyes open and doing reasonably well. When she points the gun in the right place of course. Fat Woman is used to feeling like a freak, but this is the first time her freakish existence has ever worked in her favour.

Fat Woman has discussed this statistic with several people and has been pointed to proper research at http://www.perceptionweb.com/abstract.cgi?id=v040240. This research suggests that although slightly more women than me are left-eye dominant (19.8% versus 16.2%) there is not evidence to suggest that the majority of women are not right-eye dominant.

Fat Woman thinks it is a great pity that people are sloppy with data. Fat Woman admits that she is a little on the geeky side of things. For example, when Personal Trainer told Fat Woman that the tongue of a blue whale was the size of a bus Fat Woman immediately wanted to know what particular bus. In her defence, Fat Woman repeated this story to several of her friends who all asked the same question. Personal Trainer told Fat Woman than she had weird friends. When Personal Trainer tells Sparky a factoid Sparky replies: "Wow!" Fat Woman is a woman and uses "wow!" to mean "I can't believe you said/did something that stupid". Fat Woman didn't always do this but got the idea from a Facebook meme.

Fat Woman has checked Wikipedia and can report that Wikipedia claims the tongue of a blue whale is 2.7 metric tons or 3 short tons. Fat Woman is going to go with Wikipedia for the purposes of this argument, but is aware that it is not always the most accurate of sources. Fat Woman has cross-checked the weight of buses, both single and double decker, and they weigh much more than three tons. Fat Woman has checked the specification sheets for the newest, lightest hybrid buses as well as the estimations for older models. Weight for buses starts at five tonnes.

Fat Woman would understand if Personal Trainer hated her sometimes, but Fat Woman thinks that people should learn that data matters, and if Personal Trainer learns this now it will help him throughout the rest of his life. It will also circumvent the conversations where Personal Trainer announces that something is the size of a bus and Fat Woman demands to know what kind of bus and everyone gets annoyed that everyone else is so unreasonable.

The issue of eye dominance finally made Fat Woman reach for the calming herbal tea when she read an otherwise very good article on Shotgun Life on what women really want. Actually it was titled Five Things You Need To Know When Teaching A Woman How To Shoot A Shotgun. The writer says that 80% of women don't have eye dominance to match their dominant hand, unlike men. Fat Woman begs the lady's pardon but HOW DOES SHE KNOW? Fat Woman isn't going to go against the idea that lots of women aren't right eye dominant, but Good Gravy! To claim a four-fifths majority without data is utter presumption and reinforcing a stereotype to boot. Fat Woman was even told by a salesman that she was cross-dominant, which was utter rubbish. Fat Woman comes up right eye dominant in all the tests, whether at home or administered by the shooting coach.

Here's what Fat Woman wants you to know about women who are learning to shoot. When Fat Woman says "you" you might be forgiven for thinking she means "men" but actually lots of women have bought into the stereotypes and prejudices. Mostly she means "salespeople" in gun shops. Fat Woman has met some shockers.

(1) It is madly frustrating trying to learn to shoot when there isn't a gun in the world you can borrow that is anywhere near fitting you. It's like learning to ice skate in boots five sizes too big. When a women turns up and wants to buy her first gun it's highly unlike that she will have a perfect hold or mount. Why not? Because NO GUN BLOODY WELL FITS HER that's why. She's here to buy a gun so she can get it fitted to her. So don't form your opinions on the first time she picks up a shotgun in front of you, especially if it's a gun she's never had her hands on before. Of course her cheek won't be in the right place if she's never held a gun with a short enough stock.

(2) You need to drop your prejudices about women not being right-eye dominant. Okay, some of us might be left eye dominant, but peer reviewed research says under 20%. Also, 10% of people are left-handed.There is no way that we are most likely to be cross-dominant. Treat each of us as an individual and make sure you get your methods of checking correctly. More importantly, remember that we're beginners and might have done something wrong initially.

(3) Yes, guns might be a bit heavy, but what is this idea that women are ickle wickle dainty fings who can't heft a 12-bore? Anyone learning to shoot will suffer aching arms until they get used to it. Stop trying to push us into 20 bores all the ratting time. We will get used the weight like we would for any equipment for a new sport. We can even lift weights a little if we're that worried. If we want to shoot clays we'd like something that kicks less, even if it's a little heavier to hold.

(4) Newsflash: We have breasts. Well, we noticed you noticing that. Some of us have really large breasts. What this means is that going gun down is at best impractical and at worst plain stupid until we've got a gun that fits us. This is because the nice pointy toe of the stock is pointing in the wrong direction. The entire kickback of that gun is going into one teeny tiny point on us. Getting that gun mount right is hard enough, getting it right from gun down with something so ill-fitting is completely wrong. So stop trying to teach us how to go gun down in the middle of the saleroom or at the beginning of a lesson. We may never go gun down. It's fine by us and it's fine by the Clay Pigeon Shooting Association, so get knotted. Unless you're going to buy us some game shooting of course.

(5) You are allowed to talk to us as people. The most interesting thing about you so far as we're concerned is that you might offer useful shooting advice, or tell us where we can buy a pair of those really natty gloves. We're not out shooting because we want a torrid affair. Your wife surely understands that you won't be interested in the freaky female with her own 12 bore and a slightly unhealthy interest in niggly technical details such as the differences in shot pattern between cartridges. Although Fat Woman does look cute in her black flat cap, the effect is utterly ruined by the time she's added ear protectors, shooting glasses and her ugly green skeet vest. So you're safe, you can talk to Fat Woman. You can even talk to Fat Woman about guns. It's not like you have anything else in common, is it? Certainly not enough to make Fat Woman want to drag you off into the bushes. Not even if you have a Perazzi MX12 that you're prepared to lend.

Fat Woman and the clay shooting competition

Fat Woman has got rather in to clay pigeon shooting over the last year. Fat Woman would be even more into shooting if Thin Husband hadn't got her to agree to a sports budget. Nevertheless, Fat Woman gets to shoot at least once a month, sometimes twice.

One, no, two of the best experiences Fat Woman has had shooting were at the Shotgun & Chelsea Bun Club.  Fat Woman learned about the Shotgun & Chelsea Bun Club through Twitter, and despite having only had a couple of hours of shooting tuition went along to their Cambridge meeting back in September and had a lovely time. This year Fat Woman went to the S&CB meeting at the A1 Gun Club in Barnet and had another lovely time. Fat Woman was surprised to find she was now considered an "experienced" lady gun, but these things are relative and there were many, many beginners there. The highlight of the day for Fat Woman was receiving the pink "Winner" rosette for being the experienced lady gun who broke the most clays. This has warmed the cockles of Fat Woman's heart and she displays the rosette in her living room along with the engraved hip flask that was her prize. Fat Woman thinks that any woman who wants to have a go at shooting should visit a  S&CB club meeting.

Much encouraged by two successful S&CB meetings, Fat Woman signed up for a Clay Pigeon Shooting Associate (CPSA) registered shoot. Fat Woman is a "clubman" member of the CPSA. This means she may shoot at competitions on her home gun club but her scores will not be held by the CPSA. Fat Woman's score wasn't embarrassing, but it certainly wasn't good enough for her to want it kept as a matter of public record.

On this occasion there were 102 shooters, of which just three were female. Fat Woman can tell this from the day's records because there weren't any women shooting at the same time as her. Fat Woman knew that shooting was a male-dominated sport but hadn't quite understood the reality. When someone says that they had a lovely time at the Shotgun & Chelsea Bun Club they mean that they turned up, were welcomed in by someone who was expecting them, met lots of friendly people who would make them welcome and make conversation with them. Following the usual social patterns, people would ask is this your first time, who do you know here, have you had far to come, have you shot much before, and so on until mutual connections are established. Further conversation and bonding happens over tea and cake immediately after shooting. This has worked very well for Fat Woman who now follows several S&CB club members on Twitter and is even meeting up with some for more shooting.

Fat Woman found that CPSA registered shoots aren't like the Shotgun & Chelsea Bun Club. Of course, the Shotgun & Chelsea Bun Club does not have such a strong competitive element, despite handing out very attractive hip flasks and pink rosettes as prizes. Nor do the organisers of registered shoots have everyone bring a cake to go with the post-shoot tea. However, Fat Woman doesn't think it would kill some of these men to make eye contact, or even say "hello" in response to here friendly greeting. Fat Woman does not like being grunted at unless it is by pigs who have seen her coming with the slop bucket.

Apparently a shoot where "everyone is very friendly" does not mean the same thing as it does when you are referring to S&CB. Fat Woman concludes that in normal shooting "very friendly" must mean that no one thumps you, trips you up or steals your cartridge bag. It certainly doesn't mean that people smile at you or even talk to you. People on a shooting forum have said that it gets friendlier the more you go, but Fat Woman isn't keen on splashing out £50 every month in order to spend two hours feeling like the invisible person until some people start to (a) recognise her and (b) treat her as a person rather than a SCARY, SCARY FEMALE THING. Fat Woman would rather go shooting with a friend the day after the registered shoot and have a go at the lovely, imaginative set-ups without being bothered by scoring or limited to the number of clays.

Fat Woman enjoyed the actual shooting. The stands were challenging, and Fat Woman managed to hit something on all but the hardest two stands. If Fat Woman had learnt a clay before then she was able to hit it on the day itself. Fat Woman needs to learn how to do fast clays, further away clays, and how to switch between two extremes such as a low rabbit followed by a high going away bird. Fat Woman made one new friend, a veteran who was comfortable enough with his own performance to be able to give Fat Woman some advice. The coaching annoyed a AA shooter who apparently found it distracting, but as several people pointed out this was only after he missed a very tricky rabbit and it was possibly more sour grapes than finding Fat Woman's existence an annoyance.

Fat Woman did find some value in being one of just three women in a male-dominated event. Even though Fat Woman scored just 39 out of 100, she was the second-placed lady gun. Fat Woman for the almost-win!

Fat Woman and the amusing surprise

Fat Woman likes Personal Trainer's new gym. The staff are very polite and helpful and always say hello and goodbye when you walk in, which is such a change from Fat Woman's gym. The gym is pretty clean and although some of the cardio equipment needs an upgrade there is a real boxing ring. Personal Trainer practically has a conniption if Fat Woman sits down during a session, but using the boxing ring ropes as a hammock is apparently allowed.

One of the nicest things about Personal Trainer's new gym is Sparky, the handsome, talented and witty personal trainer who coincidentally is a dedicated follower of this blog. Fat Woman doesn't get much chance to talk to Sparky, but he always says hello when they meet, and he might stop for a chat if he has time.

Sparky has taken to greeting Fat Woman by saying: "Morning! What did you have for breakfast today?" Fat Woman finds this hilarious, and is going to have to think up something good as an answer for the next time.

Fat Woman and the untaken hint

Fat Woman was not at her sunny best in the morning. Not only was Fat Woman's back hurting, she had slept unusually badly, dreaming on being bitten by a spider. Internet research initially suggested an enemy or a betrayal, but further investigation suggested conflict with your inner psyche. Fat Woman will go with this as she has killed all her enemies and the only person up for betraying her in anything is Swimming Coach and Fat Woman is not giving him the chance.

So when Personal Trainer bounced up in an inordinately full-of-beans manner Fat Woman was rather taken aback. Fat Woman didn't realise quite how witchy she was feeling until Personal Trainer ramped up the cheeriness and then enquired as to how she was. Fat Woman said she would be fine twenty minutes into session when the mood-lifting effects of exercise took effect.

Personal Trainer waited until 40 minutes into session to ask Fat Woman what she had for breakfast. Fat Woman HATES this question. Fat Woman has no problem discussing what she has been eating but the what-did-you-have-for-breakfast question is a screwdriver that Personal Trainer uses to prise the lid off her diet so he can start the game of constant improvement. Fat Woman does not like people critiquing what she eats; it gives her flashbacks to being Fat Girl and having ignorant and prejudiced people making unformed and simply wrong judgements about her diet. Fat Woman particularly remembers a church youth outing when everyone raised their hands wanting seconds but it was her that a youth leader singled out for a talk on gluttony. Fat Woman is prepared to discuss diet when she is prepared for it, such as when she presents a food diary, but she finds the only productive consideration is within defined parameters. There are so many opinions and views on what is "good" that it is pointless to open the conversation without stating what the priority values are. Is your priority to meet a calorie goal, to get a certain percentage of protein, to eat whole food, to avoid dairy/wheat/soy, to eat organic, to eat low GI?

Fat Woman has her own eating agenda and it includes eating mindfully. If Fat Woman isn't going to enjoy food she doesn't eat it. Reducing food to fuel isn't helpful to Fat Woman. Personal Trainer seems to feel differently at different times. So far as Fat Woman can tell Personal Trainer oscillates between eating everything before him (in the name of "bulking") or having an incredibly strict diet. Fat Woman has been very careful not to forbid herself anything and to have a slow but consistent weight loss programme, avoiding the boom and bust cycles of yo-yo dieting. So when Personal Trainer started wanting to talk about food Fat Woman did her best to shut him down. Fat Woman didn't protest the question - which she should have done because she has told Personal Trainer several times not to ask that specific question - because she hoped she could get the whole thing over with. Personal Trainer interrupted Fat Woman's answer to crow in triumph that she had answered immediately without protest. Fat Woman answered without hesitation because unlike last week when she had eaten protein pancakes without the protein but with maple syrup there wasn't really anything for Personal Trainer to criticise.

Fat Woman did point out to Personal Trainer that she didn't like the question and that he knew that. Personal Trainer asked if Fat Woman was going to ask him what he had for breakfast. Fat Woman said she wasn't. Personal Trainer asked why. Fat Woman said that she didn't care. Fat Woman doesn't care what anyone else eats and wishes they would not care what she eats.

Personal Trainer didn't care that Fat Woman didn't care what he ate for breakfast and described his five egg white omelette with blueberries. Fat Woman thought it sounded disgusting never mind nutritionally dodgy. Fat Woman was polite and asked if Personal Trainer was following a specific regime or just an eating style. Fat Woman has no respect for any weight loss programme that doesn't take into account calories consumed and is not willing to engage in conversation about diet with anyone who hasn't outlined their specific goals and parameters.

Fat Woman is going to have to talk to Personal Trainer about not bringing his attitude to food into her sessions. Personal Trainer should be talking to Fat Woman about her diet when he asked or when her end-of-month results suggest there is a problem. Fat Woman has got to her age without at eating disorder and isn't keen to pick up anyone else's.

Fat Woman gets asked the question

Fat Woman wasn't having the best training session she'd ever had. Fat Woman was aching rather from Monday's 5kg deadlift increase. Fat Woman marvels at how a deadlift can make nearly every part of her ache. Fat Woman's squat had increased a little and her bench press not at all. There had also been a little bit of friction when Personal Trainer turned up late but then announced he had another client straight after and they would have to have shortened timed rests so they could finish on time. Fat Woman retorted if that was the case he should have arrived on time. Personal Trainer got a bit miffed and said that he'd been there three minutes and they had done nothing but talk. Fat Woman pointed out that they had talked about nothing but Personal Trainer. Personal Trainer declared they would just not talk then, and flounced. Fat Woman said that was perfectly fine with her, and did not talk whilst Personal Trainer was sulking. Fat Woman doesn't know that Personal Trainer was sulking for sure, but if he wasn't he did a pretty good impression of as sulk.

Personal Trainer got over his sulk when he realised that Fat Woman wasn't bothered or paying it any attention. However it is important for Personal Trainer to have the upper hand in sessions. Fat Woman doesn't mind this because it means she has to think less, although she will only put up with letting Personal Trainer win the verbal sparring for so long. Personal Trainer is never entirely sure if Fat Woman means it when she says things such as "You're so right."

Personal Trainer decided to go for the jugular by asking The Question. Personal Trainer didn't ask Fat Woman to marry him.  The Question that Personal Trainer asked Fat Woman was: "What did you have for breakfast?" Fat Woman knows that The Question is simply an excuse to pry into her nutrition  Personal Trainer tried this the first session they ever had together when he suggested that 10g of golden syrup on 60g of oats was a lot, and that honey would be better. Fat Woman has since established that Personal Trainer likes exactly the same ratio of sweetener to oats on his porridge, and that the change to honey would have meant a difference of 0.1g of protein. Fat Woman nearly had a melt down the first time The Question was brought up. And the second time. The third time Fat Woman  told Personal Trainer that she wasn't playing that game with him because she could never win. It didn't matter what Fat Woman told Personal Trainer he would never say that she had done everything right, there would always be something she had done wrong. Personal Trainer protested this, but Fat Woman is wary of developing food issues and told Personal Trainer that if he wanted to ask about her nutrition he could ask straight out without being sly about it. The fourth time Personal Trainer tried asking this question Fat Woman used the same technique that toddlers learn, holding a hand up in the STOP position and saying NO very firmly. Each time Personal Trainer claims that he was just making conversation and wanted to talk about what he had for breakfast. Fat Woman does not believe this because Personal Trainer has no problem volunteering information about his diet and no problem being disingenuous when Fat Woman catches him being manipulative.

This time, after pointing out that The Question was banned, Fat Woman declared that she hadn't had any breakfast and that Personal Trainer should go ahead and tell her what he ate if he wanted to share. Personal Trainer was not happy with this answer as Fat Woman was obviously fibbing. Fat Woman always eats breakfast.

It just so happened that Fat Woman had woken up at 5am and had given up on sleep well before 6am. Standing in her kitchen at an ungodly hour Fat Woman decided that she was going to cook herself the breakfast she had been craving for several weeks - American pancakes with maple syrup and bacon. Fat Woman usually has granola or porridge. Fat Woman looked for protein pancake recipes but didn't want to risk an experiment. So Fat Woman ate protein pancakes without the protein but with maple syrup and bacon. It was grilled bacon but it was the streaky bacon that Fat Woman keeps in the freezer for cooking rather than the lean bacon medallions she usually has.

Personal Trainer didn't criticise much but he did point out that Fat Woman had had a lot of sugar recently. Personal Trainer mentioned there had been cake earlier in the week. Fat Woman doesn't remember telling Personal Trainer this but he might have seen her post-workout simple carbs AKA chocolate cake with ganache topping sitting in her car. Fat Woman said that she was on a calorie controlled diet and could eat what she liked so long as she stopped. Personal Trainer simply said that he had set her guidelines.

Fat Woman went home and thought about what she had done.

Fat Woman remembers that although her principle of calorie counting is the bedrock of her plan, she had actually given herself a good case of hyperglycaemia earlier that week. This was through bad planning and timing, but Fat Woman has to admit there was Dairy Milk chocolate involved. Healthy snack to keep you going + Dairy Milk + actual meal rather late = way too many calories.

Fat Woman is remembering that the reason she eats a certain set of things is that it makes her feel better. It keeps her healthy. Losing weight is secondary to that. So although weight loss is great, Fat Woman regards it as a side effect of eating enough food to stop her feeling hungry. This happens when Fat Woman makes good food choices. Fat Woman likes having energy and is going to try to keep in mind that although she can eat what she likes, she doesn't like feeling horrendously sleepy later. Fat Woman has been adjusting to the new protein requirements, but thinks she has got the hang of protein powder now.

Personal Trainer got at least three cakes for his birthday and did not bring Fat Woman a slice of any of them.

Fat Woman and the underwear issue

Fat Woman was delighted to be able to purchase her first pair of trousers were the size did not start with "X". Fat Woman's latest pair of gym trousers - black, stretchy, natch - were marked "L". Fat Woman knows that in thin woman shops this would be an XXXL, but you might as well be talking about clothes shops in China so far as Fat Woman is concerned so she savoured the little victory. The new trousers were form-fitting, but this would hopefully stop the problems of the legs riding up. Calf-length trousers do not flatter Fat Woman and it is a source of constant irritation to her that however long her trousers she seems to end up flashing more skin than she wants to i.e. any. This is especially torturous during assisted stretching at the end of sessions when the stretcher (usually Personal Trainer) cannot keep the comfortable, professional distance and actually has to touch the stretchee. Fat Woman would workout in a onesie if it had elasticated wrists and ankles. And if it came in black of course. Fat Woman would be perfectly happy to wear bright colours at the gym but she avoids (1) anything that clashes with her face when it gets red and (2) having to do more than one load of gym laundry every day.

Fat Woman is starting to think that fully half her problems around fitness are caused by underwear. Having bought new trousers on the grounds that they will be more modest Fat Woman was unhappy to discover a hint of VPL (visible panty line). Fat Woman is always very careful not to show VPL, or flash bra either, and has a full grasp of all the strategies open to women for this. Fat Woman read every monthly women's glossy lifestyle magazine on the market for ten years so there isn't a lot she doesn't know about image improvement strategies. Not that Fat Woman bothers with most of the strategies most of the time, but that is not the point. Fat Woman no longer buys these magazines because they are repeating themselves, but that is also beside the point.

When wearing well-fitting trousers that show VPL a woman has the following choices:

1. Wear really big knickers so that any VPL is so far down the leg it fits into the body's natural folds and disappears
2. Wear a thong. 
3. Wear no pants.

Fat Woman usually favours the Granny knickers approach. or as she calls them "Harvest Festival pants" (because "All Is Safely Gathered In").  However, Fat Woman's spending on new clothes has not extended to practical gym pants. In fact, the standard black gym briefs Fat Woman wears are the only things remaining from her largest size days. These elderly but functional and modest garments seem to survive squats and crunches without falling to pieces, unlike the modern ones Fat Woman bought to replace them. However, they aren't sized correctly and are causing the previously mentioned VPL.

The hard part of choosing gym underwear is that when working with a personal trainer they are looking at you all the time. When you squat they see everything. Fat Woman understands from some friends that going commando is de rigeur for this very reason. Fat Woman doesn't care how embarrassing having someone know that she is wearing plain, sensible underwear, it would be far more embarrassing to have someone watching her squat know that she was wearing a thong. To have someone watch knowing that you aren't wearing underwear sends Fat Woman into a cold swear.

As it turned out, Fat Woman's new trousers split at the seam on the first squat so her knickers showing was the least of Fat Woman's problems.

Fat Woman and the dangerous sweets

Fat Woman was making cake. Fat Woman likes baking, finding it puts her in her happy place. Fat Woman has become practised at making cupcakes because they are much easier to hand out than large cakes. Fat Woman was working her way through "500 cupcake and muffin recipes) by making a batch on Saturday, eating two over the weekend and sending the rest to work with Thin Husband, until she realised that she didn't actually want to eat most of the combinations and you can have such a thing as too much cake.

Fat Woman likes decorating cupcakes too. Sugarcraft is the only craft that Fat Woman has ever been anywhere near passable in. Fat Woman likes being able to give thoughtful gifts that are better than money can buy. Fat Woman might be boasting a little, but she doesn't compromise on quality of ingredients and she doesn't stint on the icing. For the record, Fat Woman thinks no icing = no point, but as a tolerant and accepting type of person she has developed a special set of recipes for those who claim not to like icing. Thin Husband can eat plain Madeira cake for breakfast. Fat Woman shudders at the very thought.

Fat Woman likes to present friends with a pristine white box containing a batch of cupcakes. If you are a close enough friend that Fat Woman knows what you like she will design a box of cupcakes especially for you. For example, Swimming Coach received a box with three different designs of banoffee cupcake for his birthday.

Personal Trainer likes Fat Woman's Ultimate Chocolate Cake and received one in good time for his birthday. However Fat Woman doesn't like to miss an excuse to bake so spent Sunday knocking out first vanilla and then chocolate cakes so Personal Trainer could have a box to share with his friends at work.

Fat Woman doesn't quite know where her A game was but it wasn't in her kitchen that afternoon. The chocolate cake recipe Fat Woman tried out was very strange with a crunchy top and not particularly chocolatey, so she was compelled to make another batch to a different recipe. Whilst distracted with the let-down of the latest recipe, Fat Woman let the buttercream on the vanilla cakes crust (dry). This made it impossible to put sprinkles on the buttercream so Fat Woman resorted to some miniature love heart sweets. Fat Woman has used these before to great effect. The miniature version of the love heart sweets have very short messages on them, each with no more than four letters. The messages include YES, HOT, DOLL, LOL, SIS, BAD, L8R WILD, GLAM, CUTE, HI, COOL and Fat Woman's personal favourite FIT. The pastel colours on vanilla buttercream worked quite well and the raspberry buttercream was topped with white love hearts.

Having made a second batch of chocolate cupcakes Fat Woman topped them with a dark chocolate ganache. To make the chocolate cakes fit with the rest of the box Fat Woman thought putting a single large Love Heart sweet on each would work. The pale colours would contrast with the chocolate ganache in an effective way.

What Fat Woman hadn't reckoned on was that a large love heart sweet has room for a much longer message and the little packets she had purchased were originally marketed as favours for weddings. Therefore instead of the childish messages such as "Funny Face" or "No Chance" Fat Woman remembers from her early years, these sweets had nothing but the most romantic messages printed on them.  Fat Woman sorted out the first four perfect sweets and was about to put them on the cakes when she saw that she had chosen BE MINE, I LOVE YOU, YOU AND I and most horrifying of them all, KISS ME.

Fat Woman went hot and cold at the thought of presenting Personal Trainer with cakes bearing such messages and had to sit down and eat a cake before she was strong enough to continue.

Fat Woman had to open four more packets of sweets before she found COOL DUDE, LUCKY LIPS, SMILE and DEAR ONE. Thin Husband picked out DEAR ONE because he says Personal Trainer is costing him a fortune.

Fat Woman is going to throw away all the leftover packets of love heart in case she gets accused of sexually harassing someone by cake.

Fat Woman is the favourite

Fat Woman used to be Personal Trainer's favourite client, but he hasn't said that in a long time so it probably isn't true any more. Fat Woman understands; she can be a headache sometimes. Fat Woman has probably been replaced by someone who has three sessions a week and looks better in gym clothes.

Sparky (the handsome, brilliant, funny personal trainer who works with Personal Trainer and who also reads this blog) said that Fat Woman was his favourite of all Personal Trainer's clients. Fat Woman thinks this is a lovely thing to say and thinks it might be enough get her over the "bazoomas" comment.

Fat Woman is sure that the fact she had just given Sparky a cookie had absolutely nothing to do with it.

Fat Woman and the whale

Personal Trainer had learnt some new facts. Fat Woman is not a terribly good person to tell facts to as she wants to know the source and how the experiment that established the fact was conducted.

Personal Trainer asked if Fat Woman knew that the late Steve Irwin was terrified of parrots. Fat Woman said she vaguely remembered that from his obtituraties.

Personal Trainer asked if Fat Woman was aware that she was related to a banana. Fat Woman said that she was au fait with the joke where the biology student says we should give gorillas human rights because their DNA is 98% the same as ours and the professor points out that we share 83% of our DNA with a banana.

Personal Trainer asked if Fat Woman knew how much a whale's tongue weighed. Fat Woman was about to say that she knew that the largest penis in the world came from the blue whale and weighed 60lb, but she stopped herself because although it is the kind of fact that sticks in your mind it is not the kind of fact you want to admit to knowing.

Personal Trainer said that a whale's tongue weighed the same as a bus. Fat Woman immediately asked what size of bus. Was it a mini bus, a double decker? Personal Trainer said it was a standard bus from the local bus company. There had been a special trip to the Arctic to make the comparison.

Fat Woman asked Personal Trainer if he knew how to weigh a whale. Personal Trainer said he did not know.

Fat Woman told Personal Trainer that the way to weigh a whale is to take it to the whale-weigh station.

Personal Trainer said that was very good and asked if Fat Woman had just made that up. Fat Woman could not believe that Personal Trainer got all the way to 21 years old without ever hearing that joke.

Fat Woman thinks Personal Trainer might have lived a charmed life.

Fat Woman thinks Personal Trainer was very sweet not to suggest that the way to weight a whale was for her to get on the scales as normal.

Fat Woman and the perfect present

Personal Trainer's birthday present has arrived. This is a personalised adventure with Disney's The Lion King. The book comes customised with the child's full name, address and also includes the name of some friends. Fat Woman thinks it is simply marvellous. Fat Woman ordered a copy for Personal Trainer because he is a fan of The Lion King and will surely appreciate being included in his own adventure with his friends Buddy and Sparky. The fact that Fat Woman finds such a gift hilarious, especially in view of Personal Trainer's insistence that she "Raise Simba up! Show him to his people!" when "Simba" was an 8kg kettlebell, is an additional advantage.

The dialogue in these books is sparkling:

"Personal Trainer" cried Simba. "I haven't seen you for so long!"
"Hello, Simba!" said Personal Trainer. "I've missed you!"

Fat Woman hopes that Personal Trainer appreciates the book as much as she thinks he might. Fat Woman knows that Personal Trainer appreciates customised gifts as her Christmas present from him was a bag for her boxing gloves stamped "Sponsored by Personal Trainer Inc".

Fat Woman is not too worried about how Personal Trainer will take the gift of a child's book as she is making him the Ultimate Chocolate Cake again and everything else will pale in comparison.

Fat Woman and the momentary lightness of being

Fat Woman was ploughing through her Monday training session with Personal Trainer. Monday is deadlift day and Fat Woman had a new personal best of 80kg for 8 reps.

Fat Woman is pausing for applause.

After deadlifting comes pull-ups. Fat Woman uses the assisted pull-up machine because there is no way her arms can lift the 67% of her bodyweight needed to do a press-up, let alone the 100% needed for a pull-up. This is due to lots of bodyweight rather than wimpy little arms. The assisted pull-up machine is helpfully counterweighted. When you stand on the platform it will sink down and you then pull yourself back up. During this motion you have to be holding the bar or you will not be able to pull yourself up (the point of the exercise) but will instead have to clamber ungracefully out.

Fat Woman is not entirely sure what her effective pull weight is, but it is probably the difference between the counterweight and her weight. Fat Woman wonders if Personal Trainer never did assisted pull-ups with her in the early days because there are only so many weights on the counterweight stack.

This was Fat Woman's third week using the assisted pull-up machine as part of her strength training. Fat Woman climb nimbly, if not entirely gracefully, to the platform at the top, grasped the handles and stepped on the platform.

Fat Woman got off the platform and stepped firmly back on it.

Fat Woman did a little jump.

Fat Woman asked Personal Trainer if perhaps there had been an error in the weight setting. Personal Trainer said there had not been an error because he never makes errors.

Personal Trainer enquired if it was possible that Fat Woman had lost ten kilos over the last week.

Fat Woman reported that she had not yet developed anorexia.

Personal Trainer went to get the silicone spray to unstick the counterweight mechanism.

Fat Woman and the moment

Fat Woman did the second week of her new abdominals programme, as prescribed by Personal Trainer. Fat Woman knocked out the following:

3 x 22 Dead Bugs

3 x 24 Russian twists

3 x 16 slow crunches (Fat Woman didn't have a Swiss ball but will buy one soon)

3 x 32 cycle crunches

3 x crucifix holds

Fat Woman remembers back in April 2012 when she managed five sit-ups at her first BoxFit class and two days later wondered if she had given birth. Personal Trainer told Fat Woman that he gave her this routine because he knows she has strong abs.

Fat Woman enjoyed being able to do something that she didn't used to be able to do and looking back across the last year to where she was.

If Fat Woman ever gets down to a low body fat percentage her abs are going to be really, really impressive. If that doesn't happen at least whichever surgeon ends up cutting her open (because that will probably happen one day for one reason or another) will have to press hard.

Fat Woman and the foam pad

Fat Woman is on a strength building programme for six weeks. Fat Woman would hesitate to claim to be power lifting but she is definitely lifting a lot of weights. Fat Woman adores weightlifting, partly because she finds it easy, but mostly because it has taken inches off her thighs and backside.

Fat Woman has been doing deadlifts for a while but it is only recently that her left knee was in good enough shape that she could start doing back squats. For those who are not yet informed, to do a back squat you have a barbell on the top of your shoulders, behind your neck, and you squat down and then stand up again.

Fat Woman knows that this sounds fascinating.

Personal Trainer is a hardcore weight lifter and scorns any extras such as gloves, although Fat Woman knows he approves of wraps. Personal Trainer prefers not to use the foam pad because then you have more of an awareness of the bar. Fat Woman aims to please so tried back squats without the foam pad but found it extremely uncomfortable. Personal Trainer made noises of mock disapproval and used the phrase "man up" but stopped when Fat Woman threw herself on his mercy admitting that she is a weak and feeble female.

Fat Woman likes how Personal Trainer knows that she is telling him to get knotted even when her words are saying something else.

The following week Personal Trainer produced the foam pad. With a big sigh, a sad shake of the head and a look of disappointment Personal Trainer told Fat Woman that she was a big girl.

Fat Woman said she was aware of that fact and it was why she was training. Actually, Fat Woman first said: "Well, DUH!" Fat Woman doesn't usually sound like a Valley girl, but feels that sometimes the situation calls for it.

Personal Trainer carefully explained he didn't mean "big girl" in the sense of "fat woman".

Fat Woman said she was aware of that fact too, and that what she said wouldn't have been funny if  that wasn't the case.

Fat Woman isn't sure that this interaction is that funny to anyone else but it made her laugh. The fact that she increased her squat weight by 2.5kg also pleased her.

Fat Woman gets back in the pool

Fat Woman had booked a swimming lesson. Fat Woman and Swimming Coach have had a rocky relationship in recent months (see Fat Woman and the Arse and  Fat Woman is Queen of Drama to catch up on the mildly amusing but frankly childish back story) but having got to the stage of not caring what Swimming Coach said or did, Fat Woman reasoned that as he was still her best option for learning a decent front crawl in time for Spring open water swimming, she might as well book him.

Fat Woman got into the pool five minutes before her 2 o'clock session was due to start. Swimming Coach may have several annoying characteristics but previously he had always been punctual for Fat Woman's sessions. At first Fat Woman thought Swimming Coach was late, then she thought he had stood her up in some kind of strange and slightly self-harming power play. Fat Woman is inclined to think the best of people so had "mistaken time" at the top of her possibility list, but thinks in the light of previous collected evidence she can be excused from having the other ideas cross her mind.

The schedule Personal Trainer had given Fat Woman demanded forty-five minutes of cardio work that day so Fat Woman swam up and down and thought over cancelling her gym membership and supplementing her membership of Personal Trainer's gym with attendance at the local leisure centre and other classes.

At twenty five minutes to two Swimming Coach rushed in, claiming that he had been waiting in reception since two o'clock and that he was terribly sorry, he thought the appointment was for half past two. Fat Woman did not say to Swimming Coach that he obviously hadn't checked his confirmation message from Fat Woman. Fat Woman had double-checked the time before she got in the pool so knew for sure what she had confirmed and Swimming Coach had double-confirmed. Instead of being sarcastic Fat Woman was sweet yet firm. In return Swimming Coach was concilatory and accommodating, suggesting changing to two half-hour sessions. Fat Woman much prefers a shorter swimming lesson and as Swimming Coach didn't put up the price thought she might as well grab the opportunity.

Fat Woman had the most productive lesson with Swimming Coach. Fat Woman learned how to pull the "S-shape" and increased her power and speed. When Swimming Coach commented on how confident Fat Woman seemed in the water, and how she wasn't worrying or hurrying Fat Woman didn't point out that it was because she didn't give a flying fuck what he thought any more.

Fat Woman finds that being ostensibly friends with Swimming Coach again makes being around the gym café much easier. At the very least it means Fat Woman no longer avoids being where Swimming Coach is. Swimming Coach can fall over himself to be as friendly as he likes, but Fat Woman is there for the training and knows he is there for the money. Fat Woman does not tolerate people getting in the way of her training and is watching Swimming Coach.

Fat Woman gets competitive

Fat Woman isn't a very competitive person. Fat Woman knows that to be considered the best you just have to move to stand amongst people who aren't as good as you. Fat Woman used to play competitive sport - actually, it was classical music, but it was really cut-throat - and knows that someone, somewhere will always be better than you. Unless you are a gold medal winning Olympian of course, but Fat Woman isn't planning to take part in the 2016 Olympics, unless either the weight lifting or the shooting start going really, really well.

Fat Woman saw a fat woman at the gym. Fat Woman wanted to run up and introduce herself and share stories and helpful tips and maybe make a new friend who understood what life could be like for a fat woman. Fat Woman restrained herself because she hadn't been introduced to the fat woman and because she knows how hurtful it is when people make assumptions about you and patronise you. Fat Woman also knows that a woman being fat is no indication of whether she and Fat Woman are going to get along. Fat Woman will not force a connection with another person in order to serve her own feelings. After all, what could knowing Fat Woman possibly add to the life of another fat woman?

Fat Woman asked Personal Trainer if the fat woman was fatter than her. Personal Trainer reacted with incredulity before catching himself. Personal Trainer said that Fat Woman was very much slimmer than the fat woman. Personal Trainer also said that compliments were due in week three of Fat Woman's six week training plan, but that he would allow it because Fat Woman had improved her lifting ahead of schedule.

Fat Woman is trying to adjust the mental picture she has in her head. Fat Woman was the fattest woman in the gym. Now Fat Woman is no longer the fattest woman in either her gym or Personal Trainer's gym.

Fat Women feels like she owes that fat woman an apology, although Fat Woman is not quite sure for what exactly. Fat Woman knows she is guilty of something, but Fat Woman is not sure that either projection or making comparisons is a stain on etiquette or the soul.

Fat Woman is no longer the fattest person in the room. Fat Woman is not sure how this is going to affect her sense of self.

Fat Woman and the ab routine

Fat Woman has a new ab routine from Personal Trainer. On Friday Fat Woman grabbed a mat and started working her way through the extensive list Personal Trainer had provided. Fat Woman saw the 3 x 20 dead bugs, the 3 x 15 crunches on the ball, the 3 x 20 Russian twists, the crucifix hold and the 3 x 30 cycle crunches and cursed Personal Trainer in her head.

An hour later Fat Woman felt very guilty for cursing Personal Trainer. Fat Woman found the routine entirely possible, even perhaps a little easy.

Fat Woman is going to have to mention the easiness to Personal Trainer. Personal Trainer will then say Fat Woman probably wasn't doing the exercises correctly, which is likely to be true. Then Personal Trainer will change up the routine.

Fat Woman and the missed opportunity

Fat Woman went clay pigeon shooting. Fat Woman hit three clays. Fat Woman gave up at the end of her first box of cartridges (25).

Fat Woman was very unhappy about this as she was a fabulous shot just three days previously, smashing clays on all counts.

1. Fat Woman has thought of some reasons why she might not have been shooting very well:
2. Fat Woman had worn the wrong coat. Instead of her collarless shooting coat with shoulder patches to stop gun slippage Fat Woman wore a bulky old anorak. It made mounting the gun quite hard.
3. It was really, really cold. Fat Woman had her MacWet gloves on but in less than ten minutes her fingers were painful.
4. Fat Woman's shoulders ached still from Wednesday's personal training session and her reactivated RSI.
5. Fat Woman had a friend with her and was looking forward to showing off how she could smash clays.

Fat Woman knows that pride comes before a fall. In this case pride comes before a complete lack of hitting clay pigeons.

Fat Woman and the dead birds

When Fat Woman refers to "killing birds" she doesn't actually mean slaughtering wildlife. Fat Woman leaves that to her cats, who usually prefer rodents and frogs but who have disgraced themselves this week by presenting Fat Woman with a seasonally appropriate robin. Thin Husband refers to the cats as "ground game" and if they keep on with the birds Fat Woman might agree. When Fat Woman talks about killing birds she means pigeons of the clay variety. Fat Woman can see that shooting game is great fun but she has neither the connections or the money she would need to get into game shooting. Clay pigeon shooting is much more convenient and has a much lower cost of entry. Clay pigeons are also reliable and repetitive and actually there when you want to shoot them, unlike the real pigeons in Fat Woman's experience.

Fat Woman now has her own shotgun, a 1999 Browning 425. It is light and pretty and is Fat Woman's favourite new toy. Fat Woman hasn't been so keen on a new toy since she got her first laptop. Even Thin Husband has displayed an interest in Fat Woman's shotgun. Thin Husband asked if Fat Woman was going to name her gun á la Full Metal Jacket and suggested"Robert" as an appropriate first name. Fat Woman pointed out that her gun was a shotgun not a rifle and therefore she neither had to have the gun in bed with her or give it a name. Fat Woman also said that "Robert Browning" was an obvious and not very funny pun. If Fat Woman had been going to name the gun it would be called Gravy. When accepting sporting invitations Fat Woman could say "I'll be there, with Gravy". 

When Fat Woman bought her gun the stock was fifteen inches long. Fat Woman needs a stock which is closer to thirteen inches. The thing about buying a shotgun is that absolutely no one has guns to sell with stocks that short, let alone ones with butts that are properly shaped for a woman. Therefore it is next to impossible to learn to mount a gun properly. Fat Woman's Shooting Coach said Fat Woman should feel free to be gun up at first, especially when shooting with unfitted guns, which was sensible advice. 

Fat Woman was amazed by the number of people who felt that a novice shooting gun up was an affront to human decency. Fat Woman was very sorry to offend but having had a nasty bruise from the time she panicked and didn't mount a gun properly she is disinclined to do anything other that get the gun settled safely in the right place. Of course, most of these offended people were men who failed to connect Fat Woman's technique for mounting a gun with her gifted physical situation. Fat Woman would like have said: "Look, until you have tried mounting a gun with a butt that's pointy in the wrong direction into bazoomas like these you should BUTT OUT."  

Finding a gun to buy was particularly difficult for Fat Woman because the salespeople were keener on making Fat Woman go gun down than finding something for her to buy. The technique for finding a gun to purchase is apparently to hold lots of guns and then decide what you like. Fat Woman would be told she was holding a gun in the wrong way when actually she was compensating for an ill-fitting gun. The cluelessness of everyone surprised Fat Woman no end. Apparently gun shops are not used to dealing with (a) women (b) fat women (c) fat women who don't like being patronised. Even the gun shop that sold Fat Woman her gun  told her she wouldn't be able to test the gun. Fat Woman's Shooting Coach's colleague had to ring up and sort it out for her. Fat Woman wouldn't have bought a gun from a sexist gun shop apart from the fact she really, really wanted that particular gun.

Having spent so long picking up every gun in three counties Fat Woman is able to surprise people with her knowledge. When presented with a contact's very customised Miroku Fat Woman surprised and amazed by guessing it was an MK38. Actually, Fat Woman knows that the MK38 is the best selling Miroku gun and figured it was probably in the right price bracket for the person she was talking to. 

Thin Husband says it is scary how knowledgeable Fat Woman can sound with only the barest smidgeon of information.

Fat Woman immediately took her lovely Browning out to the baby range (slow clays, close in) and powdered birds A (left to right crosser), B (same, slower), C (looper), D (teal), and E (rabbit). Fat Woman then fell down on F, a right to left looper, but got there in the end. The Gunsmith had accompanied Fat Woman and he was kind enough to give her an hour of coaching. Fat Woman failed to get the really far away bird on a different stand, but managed several others and didn't embarrass herself on the skeet range either. Fat Woman was, in fact, awesome for a beginner and Gunsmith said she had a good eye. As Gunsmith has coached world champions this was a great compliment for Fat Woman.

Fat Woman now has to practice with her nicely fitted gun so she can go gun down and stop looking like a very obvious newbie. The only problem with gun down technique is that Fat Woman can't lift the gun in the straight line people keep on demonstrating to her because bits of her get in the way. Fat Woman has to pull the gun around her curve and then pull it back. 

Fat Woman is beginning to think that she is the only fat woman in Britain who goes has ever gone clay pigeon shooting. The only thing to fit Fat Woman so far is the gloves. This is probably because Fat Woman has large hands and long fingers like a man. 

Fat Woman is off her face

Fat Woman was excited by (1) her new stack (2) her new strength training programme. Fat Woman took her pills and packed her protein bar and post-workout pills and went to the gym where Personal Trainer  presented her with a special book of workout instructions with space for records for her to keep throughout the six weeks.

Fat Woman took 3g of L-arginine at 1pm followed by 80mcg of caffeine at 1.30pm and and 3.5g of Creatine at 1.55pm. By 2pm Fat Woman was pie-eyed and spacey. Personal Trainer could tell because Fat Woman had absolutely nothing to say on anything. Fat Woman kept smiling big warm smiles at people she had never met to the point she was worried that middle-aged men would think she was trying to pick them up. Fat Woman was numb but happy, and when Personal Trainer demanded to know what she was smiling at from the top of the assisted chin up machine, Fat Woman told him that he was so cute when he trains, like a puppy.

By the end of the session Fat Woman could feel herself staring around the room like an idiot. Personal Trainer had to keep telling her to focus on the display of the rowing machine as when her attention wandered she would go slower.

After training Fat Woman went straight out to the café to have a cup of tea and a protein bar. When Personal Trainer passed by on his way out he stopped briefly to check on Fat Woman. All he had to say was that Fat Woman looked very spaced out, and that when driving she should remember to aim for the middle one.

Fat Woman got home in one piece but is expecting a come-down.

Fat Woman and the wet suit

Fat Woman wants to go open water swimming. This has been Fat Woman's aim for more than a year. It's why Fat Woman continued lessons with Swimming Coach after her initial improvement. Swimming Coach even promised to join her on the open water course, although Swimming Coach promises a lot of things.

To go open water swimming in Fat Woman's village you need a wet suit. This is because the swimming is held in the lakes of the Country Park. The lakes are really old gravel pits.

Fat Woman did some research and found that women's wetsuits go up to a UK size 20/22. Fat Woman waited until she reached that size before she started making plans. Then Fat Woman found that all the large women's wetsuits had disappeared from the web. Fat Woman wonders if she dreamt the large sizes.

Fat Woman had asked the Open Water course leader if he knew anywhere she could get a wetsuit. The Course Leader replied with a shop recommendation and the suggestion that some people hire wetsuits.

No hire company has a plus size wetsuit. The Shop does wetsuits that fit women up to 79 kilos. That's 12 and a half stone. Fat Woman isn't going to get in that weight range for at least another year.

Fat Woman had a moment. The kind of moment Fat Woman used to have when she was Fat Girl and wanted a pretty dress for her first ball but couldn't fit in any in the shops. The kind of moment Fat Woman hasn't had for years thanks to the Internet and a Visa card. Yes, there were tears because when you find yourself regarded as a complete non-person and effectively excluded it's pretty upsetting.

Fat Woman has pulled herself together, without even eating a biscuit. Wetsuits for fat women are apparently freely available in the USA. Fat Woman can use the power of her Visa card and get them sent over. A wetsuit is no an insurmountable problem and Fat Woman will not let it stop her.

Fat Woman is particularly fucked off because when watching "A year to save my life" one of the women was doing a triathlong. This led Fat Woman to think that doing a triathlon would be possible for her as well. Somehow Fat Woman assumed that getting a wet suit would be also be possible for her, even though she doesn't have the power of a production team behind her. Fat Woman feels stupid and is kicking herself for watching a diet porn show at all, even though "A Year To Save My Life" was actually much healthier than most others.

Fat Woman was going to write a blog post for UK women on where to get hardcore sportswear for fat women, but write now it would read: "Don't bother trying. Pay the shipping. It's your penalty for being fat and having the audacity to want to take part in sport."

Fat Woman promises to adjust her attitude in bit, when she isn't quite so fucking cross with the world.

Fat Woman and her visible lingerie

Fat Woman has let Personal Trainer see her lingerie.

Fat Woman had no intention of this, but Personal Trainer dropped by unexpectedly before Sunday group PT. Fat Woman had failed to notice that Thin Husband had been too lazy to walk upstairs to the spare room and had helpfully hung up a load of her bras to dry all around the oval shower curtain rail in the downstairs bathroom. Any visitor using the bathroom would have been treated to a view of Fat Woman's lingerie. Not the practical sports bras acceptable to a fat woman getting fit but the new stuff in bright colours with lace to which Fat Woman had recently treated herself. As it had been a particular load of laundry it was all the black lingerie with a few black and red items for good measure.

Fat Woman is mortified. Fat Woman has gone hot and cold in turns. Fat Woman has only had one man clap eyes on her lingerie since she was 19. To add insult to injury, Fat Woman is still feeling incredibly sensitive over Sparky saying she had "bazoomas" and now she has displayed her large bras to someone who probably didn't want to visualise them anyway. There was no chance Personal Trainer didn't notice as he notices EVERYTHING.

Fat Woman needs chocolate, a stiff drink and a week off from training. Perhaps a month.

Fat Woman and her stack

Fat Woman has a stack. At least, that's how Fat Woman thinks she is meant to refer to the collection of pills and powders she has assembled.

Fat Woman has been aware that the boys take pre and post workout supplements (see Fat Woman gets chemically buzzed) but as she was concentrating on losing weight not on building muscle she didn't think such things applied to her. Fat Woman is not exactly a person of principles, preferring to evaluate each truth and reassess it on a regular basis, but she has stuck fairly well to the principle that she would like to get her nutrients through food rather than supplements. This lasted until Fat Woman was faced with giving up her morning granola. Fat Woman made the decision that it would be easier to swallow a protein shake every morning than cook eggs. Fat Woman is now drinking unflavoured whey isolate mixed with orange juice and not making a noise like a waste disposal unit immediately afterwards. This is all because Personal Trainer reviewed Fat Woman's nutrition and set her new guidelines. Fat Woman isn't feeling any better for it, but any change in her diet usually means a month of refocussing before she gets it right.

Fat Woman had announced to Personal Trainer that she wanted to "lift heavy". Fat Woman wonders what the hell happens to her grasp of the English language when she gets into the gym. Fat Woman puts it down to too much time spent in the presence of children young people like Sparky and Personal Trainer.

Personal Trainer agreed that Fat Woman could lift heavy weights, and so she did. Fat Woman then suffered severe DOMS for the next three days and realised that unless she wanted to spend five days out of every seven on painkillers she would have to take recovery seriously.

Fat Woman stuck her head into the Internet but it was some time before she could sift what works for men and what works for women. Thankfully, Muscle & Fitness Hers posted a link on their Twitter feed to this article on 24 hour nutrition  by Jim Stoppani. On the one hand, the article is five years old. On the other hand Jim Stoppani meets Fat Woman's twin requirements of being scientifically educated (at least, he has a PhD according to the website. Fat Woman hopes it isn't a PhD in literature) and being personally successful at training. See his personal photos at https://www.jimstoppani.com.

Fat Woman extracted the following recommendations from the article:
30-60 MINUTES PREWORKOUT
3-5 grams of arginine
200-300 mg of caffeine.
0-30 MINUTES PREWORKOUT
20 grams of whey protein (one scoop of most powders).
20-30 grams of slow-digesting carbs
2-5 grams of creatine
0-30 MINUTES POSTWORKOUT
30-40 grams of whey protein
30-40 grams of fast-digesting carbs
2-5 grams of creatine.

Fat Woman then sent the list to Personal Trainer for his approval. Fat Woman might be projecting but she thinks she might have sensed a moment of Personal Trainer rolling his eyes and wondering why Fat Woman trusts the Internet more than she does his professional opinion. Fat Woman doesn't exactly, but she knows that her autonomy and mastery are a big part of keeping her motivated. Personal Trainer gave it the okay, with a suggestion of not over doing it with the whey powder unless Fat Woman wanted very expensive urine. Fat Woman also liked that joke when Sheldon made it on the Big Bang. Personal Trainer also cautioned Fat Woman that you can get headaches from taking caffeine with arginine, so when neither shop had any caffeine pills Fat Woman skipped buying them on the grounds she can always have a coffee.

Fat Woman has been to the health food shop and bought arginine and creatine pills. Fat Woman also bought glucosamine from the pound shop because some people recommend that for recovery as well. Fat Woman has Branch Chain Amino Acids which she was taking instead of protein powder for recovery and is hoping to be able to use those in this new regime.

Fat Woman is agog at the cost of supplements. Pills look initially to be just a few pounds a box, but actually they are low dose and Fat Woman will need to take at least four of each to meet the requirements. Fat Woman is hoping they prove to be worth it. Fat Woman was thoroughly scared by the research showing that women who take ibuprofen lots are prone to hearing loss.

Fat Woman is going to rattle after training sessions as well as creak.